Do We Deserve an Explanation??
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| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:24pm |
Eventhough I seen them together that Saturday night, he still tried to deny to me that anything was going on. That's when I told him I couldn't trust him and that I was working on my marriage and goodluck with his XW.
But this past weekend I was in a situation were I witnessed them together again. Of course my stomach gets in knots and I am so confused, because according to things he has told me, he can't stand her, but whatever. So today I see him again, only talked about what had to be talked about and he left. Back to my question, doesn't he owe me an explanation? Should I ask him for one, or should I just continue NC and get on with life. To me it seems like he got the easy way out. Please help on this one because I am afraid I am going to get weak and mention it to him and I don't know if that is a good idea. I don't want to lose any ground I have gained by NC. Thanks, GL

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In my opinion, don't ask for an explanation, you may not want to hear what he says. I think that you have already made significant progress by going NC and sticking with it. By talking to him, you risk starting the cycle all over again. I would just move on and maintain the NC except for absolutely necessary communication (i.e. work). Be strong, and try not to dwell on the "why's" of the ending of the A. Just my 2 cents...
:)
Circe
Sweetie, if he hasn't coughed up an explanation on his own yet, then just let it go. BUT, beware that if HE does start talking, whatever he tells you is going to be laced with lies. He is just biding time so he can think up a good one. Believe me, I started NC (just businness stuff) with my boss (4.5 year affair) over a month ago and NEVER offered him an explanation, nor did he ever ask for one. We always had an understanding that if one wanted to end it, then so be it. It has made for some uncomfortable days but I so determined THIS time to have this addiction OVER with, that IF I had to seek other employment, I would. But, he is being decent about all of this, and we ARE adults, yes? Well, at least NOW we are, and no longer those selfish, self-centered idiots that didn't care if other people got hurt.
Hope you can remain true to yourself....
True
G,
I ended my affair with MM (my boss)for many of the reasons you have already posted on this board. The lies, the trips with SO, the sneaking around, the overall no-sense that affairs are anyway. You have already wasted 10 years of your life on this guy. How many more years are you going to throw away? It is NEVER going to get better...We kid ourselves that they love us and maybe some day they will see the light. NO, they won't. They have the best of both worlds, don't you see? And as long as you are giving this man sex, you are keeping his marriage alive too. Now he has everything. The wife (ex-wife?, not sure of your situation) to take care of all his needs at home (or on the side), and the girlfriend to play with when he gets bored. UGH!!! It took ME (my heart actually), 4.5 years to see the truth...and finally one day I knew what I had to do. I avoided him, and 1 day became another, and then another, and after 3 weeks, I was TOTALLY strong enough to tell him that my heart was no longer invested in this relationship. I NEVER told him the gazillion reasons that were the REAL ones, because these men don't give a hoot anyway, no matter how much they say they care. And besides, I didn't want to open up a converstation that could get all twisted around to where we fell into each other's arms again. I made the decision that he would "never touch me again" and I have stayed with it. NOW, the emotional intimacy part of ex-relationship is following suite....I have offered him no more than a polite "hello and have a nice day", when I leave. He knows what I am doing, and do you think he's bawking about it? Hell no....He KNOWS it is best for both of us. Trust me, the MM who are smart will let you walk away without a hassle....because they KNOW better...
Don't let another year of your life go by in this game of lies and deceit...start working on yourself, NOW!
True
Edited 6/30/2004 4:03 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
I finally just gave up and told him we had to stop, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Crazy as it may seem, I believe he still loves me and I find myself making excuses for what happened. It was wrong - we are both married - but that does not make the hurt, or the fact that I adored this man, go away. He just could not make any changes in order for us to be together. (My situation allows me to travel more freely). So there must be more to the story.
Today I had a very sweet email from him saying he hoped things would work out for us in the future. He is now in therapy to work on his issues. I did not write back but was tempted.
How does one move on from something like this? One part of me will always be hoping to hear from him. My marriage is just okay - and my husband has no idea about all of this.
You say that you ended it. How long ago? Did you actually tell him it was over for you? I am only asking these questions because if you haven't verbally said it's over, then it isn't. You have left room for re-entry; through an email, a phone conversation, whatever. Unless you REALLY want it to be over, it will continue, even if NC occurs every now and then. For me it was easy. I somewhere, somehow fell out of love. How, where, when or why I haven't a clue but it happened. After 10 years of wanting this man, and then 4.5 years of having him, it just suddenly died. Over! done! I'm moving on.....
I don't think it CAN be over until those feelings have subsided. That is why it is so difficult for us women to end it completely. We want just something, anything, tangible to hold on to. BUT, in these relationships an ending can occur at any moment. Discovery, guilt, lies, deceit, etc.....so many variables that work against us. If we could only enjoy it for the "fantasy" that it is without all of the gargabe that is attached to it...but that's not real life, is it? We were born with a heart, not just body parts that need satisfaction. For women, the emotions come into play, and then we are goners. But, the dynamics of affairs works against what comes natural to us. We struggle to form that bond, we run into road blocks at every turn, we only see bits and pieces of this person we fall for...we are only told HIS side of the story, never knowing if it is the truth or not, we become isolated because we cannot share our happiness with others without severe repercussions or scrutiny...it sucks, plain and simple.
Finally I had had enough. The few stolen hours a week were not enough anymore. I woke up from this once beautiful fantasy and landed head first into a living nightmare. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't like the person I had become or the lifestyle I was living. I was fading away into nothing.....I MISSED....ME!
I wish all of you the best,
True
Last week I sent a goodbye email but admit there has been some contact on both sides since then. He and I have tried the NC before but always end up going back for the emotional support. In your case, I can see how you fell out of love and just tired of the "crumbs." Four and a half years is a very long time, and this man was in your face every day. I agree, once the self-esteem begins to go, the OW feels isolated and then everything becomes a nightmare. I am still having extreme trouble concentrating at work. I spend most of my computer time on message boards and such. I am getting better, truly, but realize that the recovery process is going to be long, possibly months or even a year. It's a loss any way you slice it.
Congratulations on what you did, and I wish you the best also.
You still with us? How did things go yesterday? Are you still hurting or have you already rationalized your pain as another, "Oh well, he's a jerk but I will overlook that." I'm not trying to be sarcastic....I just want you to know that we are here for you and any time you want to vent, we will listen. What you NEED to do will be anything but easy...It took me a year of vascillating from "It's over to I'm not ready to let go, to I can't do this anymore, etc." I finally got tired of my head spinning around like Linda Blair in the "Exorcist." :)
Thinking about you,
True
Edited 7/1/2004 7:27 am ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
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