Do We Deserve an Explanation??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Do We Deserve an Explanation??
13
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:24pm
I have posted a few times in the past couple of weeks and I read other post daily which keeps me strong during NC. To be honest I am doing better than I thought I would, I am not obessing over this and I have totally blocked out of my mind what great times we had together, I just don't think about it. But I feel like I need an explanation, from OM. Not as much closure as just an explanation. I was having an A with OM for 10 years, I work with him, so NC is tricky. But he was loving me on a Thursday and then showed up with his XW at an event on Saturday, without me seeing this coming. That is when I started NC. Since that time we have only had contact at work and at social events, and I am very straight to the point and try to have no small talk.

Eventhough I seen them together that Saturday night, he still tried to deny to me that anything was going on. That's when I told him I couldn't trust him and that I was working on my marriage and goodluck with his XW.

But this past weekend I was in a situation were I witnessed them together again. Of course my stomach gets in knots and I am so confused, because according to things he has told me, he can't stand her, but whatever. So today I see him again, only talked about what had to be talked about and he left. Back to my question, doesn't he owe me an explanation? Should I ask him for one, or should I just continue NC and get on with life. To me it seems like he got the easy way out. Please help on this one because I am afraid I am going to get weak and mention it to him and I don't know if that is a good idea. I don't want to lose any ground I have gained by NC. Thanks, GL

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:46am
Dear True, I'm still here and I enjoy reading all of your messages. It is encouraging to read your words. On my good days, I have the same attitude as you and as I have said, I have tried NC before, but it really feels different this time, I'm going to do it. My best friend tells me all the time that I am one of the nicest, caring, compasionate persons in the world and just can't understand why I am in this situation of the A. WHen I step out and look at it, I can't believe it either. I am so much better than the situation. But it is an addiction that started out simple and got very complicated. One thing different this time is that I don't see a future. Other NC i have tried I still kept in my mind that maybe one day it would be different with my H or something, but this time I have realized that even if I were available, I could never trust him and I do trust my H. Stay strong True, you need it, but the board needs your strength also. GL
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:22am
>>>>>>but this time I have realized that even if I were available, I could never trust him and I do trust my H.<<<<<<<<<<<

Yes, I too feel this keenly--it's my husband I trust completely. My xMM always said being with me "helped" his marriage--not mine--it had an adverse affect on mine. After we were together he would go "home" a happy man--content--he would say, and for me the guilt and shame would slowly creep into my world--spreading toxic fumes everywhere. I couldn't breath anymore--I was suffocating, and parts of me were dying. It was not fair to my husband, the innocent one in all of this, and was not fair to me. I was a lively, jovial person before all of this, and my hope is that one day soon I can feel joy in my heart. ~ifm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 11:16am
((((he would go "home" a happy man--content--he would say, and for me the guilt and shame would slowly creep into my world))))

Bingo. This guilt and shame began to show it's ugly face to me last year, but I would always sweep it under the rug until the next time. I finally started to notice that the "Bandaid" I'd put on to stop the bleeding (each time he left after intimacy), was NO longer doing it's job. The wound was growing larger and larger.....

I do not have a husband that I betrayed. I can only imagine that the guilt must at times have been suffocating. For me, and I hate the fact that this took so long, I started feeling sick inside over the possibility that I could tear apart his marraige if we were ever discovered. He didn't seem to give a hoot, or was VERY good at compartmentalizing his betrayal but at the same time would ALWAYS reinforce how IMPORTANT his kids and grandchild was to him. I started thinking, "Oh really????" Then how the HELL can you keep cheating on them? BECAUSE that is exactly what he was doing everytime he made love to me. Suddenly, my respect for him began to dwindle, and I am not even going to mention the "self-hate" I started experiencing toward myself. Why did this take so long? Because I didn't see myself as the "OTHER" woman. I only saw him as the MM that made me feel special once in a while.

Once we can see that being the "OTHER" woman is dangerous, deceitful, minimizing, selfish, and yes...STUPID, then are we able to see the whole picture. It all starts coming together when WE can step outside of our behavior and actually see the woman we we are hurting the most, OURSELF!

True

 

 

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