do you ever tell anyone??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
do you ever tell anyone??
5
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 7:48pm
I am sitting here in tears again. It has been almost 5 weeks and a week ago I thought I was doing better. I know being friends is hard, but it is what I want. It is what I choose to be. It is one of the few things I have control over these days. Yet I need to find the middle ground.

One of the most painful things is the break-up of my M. I always thought that my X would be there for me. We talked about it briefly when I fly down about 4 weeks ago. He said that soon I would be in a much better space and would have all these suitors. I kept thinking - all I want is one. I just think of the first 4 months of this year and how we talked basically every other day. There were times when he just needed to vent about his impending D and how his X was acting. Mostly it was just being there for him and helping him see all the good in himself- not the bad in her. It was easy to do. He doesn't really complain that much. Now he is in a much better space-- he still has his moments and his X still calls him all the time...but he is happy it is over and realizes how miserable he was with her.

As soon as I called his cell phone yesterday - I just wanted to leave a message about an email that I sent-- instead he answered and it was a short and somewhat awkward conversation.

I want the friendship back. In a way I am mad at him-- I told him I would rather stay friends than risk losing our friendship if we got together. The friendship was always the most important thing to me. Now I feel lost without that friendship- 20 years...how do I just stop the pain of losing my best friend. How do I find the best middle ground? How does this work??

It is so hard not telling anyone? My friends and family think I am miserable because of what is going on in my M. In some ways I wish my M was horrible - then I could rant and rave about it and have folks on my side in a sense. It is much easier that way. My parents don't know how much pain I am in- they say- you are the strong one- you have always gotten through things and you will figure this out too. I have talked to them 2-3 times in the past month. I feel so alone in all this pain. I have no one to turn to. I know it is not right - but I wish he hurt as much as I do. Do you ever tell someone what is going on??

I keep trying to think of bad memories-- what I did not like...the only thing I can think of is that he gave up on us...the one thing he said he would never do. How do you figure out how to be friends again???

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:13am

To be friends again takes the effort of both people.


Your post doesn't mention if xMM wants to continue your friendship.


If the friendship is meant to survive, then it shall do so. In the meantime, I suggest you focus on your impending divorce and settle that portion of your life so that you and xMM can come together as equals: both single and able to live an above-board life sharing experiences as friends do........


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 4:24pm
Cl-nre

Yes he wants to be friends. We have been friends for almost 25 years. We have been through so many ups and downs over the years. It was hard for me to deal with it ending as it came out of no where.

This was our second time together...and we both thought it would be forever. He was always so supportive and was great. I think his recent D made him re-evaluate things and for whatever reason he decided there were things that he thought would just not work. I do not know what they were - nothing big-- but things that grew in his mind. I still get frustrated that he made this unilateral decision that affected us both and he never talked to me about his doubts and concerns along the way (over a month or so period). That he had concerns was not a problem- but that he did not talk to me about it was a problem. It is funny- we could talk about almost anything...so it is strange to me that he could not tell me something- even now. Anyway-- my concern with our friendship is that that too will have to be worked at just like any relationship. It can't be one-sided. He assures me he wants that friendship. I know that closeness we shared will change and we will both have to get use to a new relationship. When I talked to him the other day- I felt this awkwardness that has never been there and that hurt. He was out of town with his son- which I did not know. I know we both have to find that middle ground where we both are comfortable and happy.

I guess I do worry that if he bailed on our relationship and let the little things add up- why not bailed on the friendship. There will be bumps along the way as we figure out how to be friends. I guess we need to talk about it. It is hard because we will never see each other again- we live 1000 miles apart...but it also makes it easier in a sense.

My rambling-- but the question I had was how do you keep it all inside and not tell a soul? Do you ever tell a friend what happened and why you are so miserable??

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 9:24pm
By all means, if you have a friend you can trust, talk to them or see a therapist. You must talk about it or you will go crazy. I have had three friends who knew about my A. One has been great; the other (my sister) was silent but always listened; the third friend said the most helpful things and was awesome (she had had an affair during her marriage), but unfortunately she shared my story with THREE other people. Now every time I see those people at parties I feel like they are looking at me with disdain. It sucks, actually.

So find someone you can absolutely trust, but you can only talk about it every now and then. They feel burdened easily if they have not been there/done that. That's why this Message Board is invaluable... you have people who are going through similar things.

Good luck, and post again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:19pm
I don't have many words of wisdom either, but just to say it again -- you're not the only one. It is SO HARD to be so sad and not be able to tell anyone! with almost any other problem/situation, you can vent to a number of people and get support and someone to lean on. Its so much harder this way..... my A just ended and I don't think that the reality of it has even hit me yet. I have a feeling I'll be spending alot of time on these boards :) Anyway, keep your chin up, and come on the boards whenever you need someone to talk to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:23pm
Hi Thanks- sometimes I come here and I think I am just nuts and I ramble and I just want someone to know what I am thinking or going through. It is so hard to imagine the suddenness of everything-- yet I know my X has moved on and I am still stuck. He moved on the day he ended it...I can only wonder why...and what if. The thing that hurts the most for me is when I asked him - what if I had told you a few weeks ago that I would be leaving my H-- he said it might have made a difference...why close the door so completely now?? I did not want to tell him until I was certain as he was still reeling from his recent D and I did not want to tell him one thing and then take it back. It is just so hard...

Being friends is all that I have left and I do not want to lose his friendship. We have been friends for over 20 years...I wish I never had the affair and we were just friends...then I would not have to go through this pain a second time with him. I just hurt.

tb