Do you have any idea how it feels...
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| Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:49am |
And did it help my situation? Yes and no. He finally got it how much I do hurt. But nothing has changed.
Maybe this is my way of trying to get to that 'place' where I can finally begin to let go and move on.
Do you have any idea how it feels to be the 'other woman'? Or in your case, the 'other man'?
Do you have any idea how lonely and isolated a person feels?
Do you have any idea how it feels to pretend that the relationship just doesn't exist in front of mutual friends or peers?
Do you have any idea how it feels to receive an invitation for you and your 'friend' from those who do know you're seeing someone, only to make excuses why your 'friend' can't make it?
Do you have any idea how it feels to be a part of someone's secret world, secret life?
Do you have any idea how it feels to be just important enough to be a part of that secret life, but certainly NOT important enough to be anything else?
Do you have any idea how it feels to offer someone your heart and soul with the promise it will be taken care of, only to find it was an empty promise?
Do you have any idea how distressing it is to really need a hug or just a smile from the one you love and they are not there?
Do you have any idea how sad it is to not have your 'friend' around to share your day's happenings, a meal, a laugh or a quick loving glance?
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be shut out?
Do you have any idea how exasperating it is having to hang up in the middle of a conversation, end a visit short, or not visit at all because your 'friend's' other life comes first and foremost?
Do you have any idea how it feels to wake up in the middle of a night after a bad dream to find no one to comfort you?
Do you have any idea how it feels to desperately want to offer more and receive more, only to be turned down and shut off?
Do you have any idea how it feels to go to great lengths and expense to plan a fun romantic afternoon and no one shows up?
Do you have any idea how it feels to make major life changes with the promise of a 'pay off' but pay day never comes?
Do you have any idea how it feels to wait for a phone call that doesn't happen?
Do you have any idea how it feels to look for words of encouragement and support only to have your 'friend' turn the conversation to things they want to talk about or just end the conversation?
Do you have any idea how it feels to hold a loving trust in someone only to have that trust broken?
Do you have any idea? Well, I do first hand. For the sake of my heart and soul, I need to change the situation. I hear your words loud and clear that you want to make changes, but they are just words. And they will only ever be words until they are put into action. Only you control that. I can't.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of our situation. Life is too short. There are too many things I want to do. So many good things in life need my attention. I want to get out there and enjoy life, have some fun with someone who wants to be with me and who really is there.
Because of that, I have decided to date other people. I understand if you don’t want to see or speak to me again. Just let me know what you decide. But I need to do this for me. Maybe I can start to be more tolerable and accepting of our situation if I found the equal balance elsewhere I so desperately need right now.
It’s only fair that we both get to live our own separate lives as we see fit. I have not been doing that because of the hope that some day we would share a life together. I have put my life on hold waiting for you to make some decisions and moves in your life. And it is obvious that nothing is changing or going to anytime soon. I need to accept that. I am trying to but having a very difficult time doing so. Please be patient with me.
If you should decide that you cannot accept the idea of me dating other people, just tell me and we will part our ways. If that’s the only way you can find peace with it, so be it. I will just have to search for peace in not having you in my life. Maybe some day when you are ready to begin living again, we can share a life. But until that happens or if it ever happens, I need to live a life with joy and happiness. I just wish it was you that I could share joy and happiness with. But I am finally realizing that is not possible. For that I am truly sorry and heartbroken.
I do ask that you at least acknowledge this letter and inform me of your decision whether you want me in your life or not accepting the fact that I will be seeing other men.
I love you with all my heart. And I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t accept things the way they are any longer. I want to share a life with someone. I want that person to be you. But since you can’t or won’t, I would like to find someone who will.

I could've written most of that letter myself! And I suppose there are lots of others who could have!
How does one go on, though? How does a SW who's sincerely trying to make a break with a MM finally realize that his situation will most likely NEVER change?
Personally I haven't felt any desire to date anyone at all. Perhaps I'm not giving myself the chance to find someone else? Maybe I'm afraid I'll compare everyone else to HIM. Maybe I'm afraid I'll never find anyone who can make me feel like he did.
Or, on the other hand, maybe I'm afraid I WILL find someone else?
It's so hard to let go, but I know that is the only thing we can do. There's a terrible little secret place in my heart that wishes his M would fail and that he'd come calling on me again, and then we can have a REAL relationship. But for now, that is all fantasy. Time to wake up and smell the reality.
It stinks right now, but even some bad smells lose their potency after a while.
Glad to know i"m not alone...
grace
You know maybe I said that I wanted to start dating other men in the hopes that it would wake HIM up and smell the reality. So far it hasn't. He agreed that he is not able to give me what I need nor want right now and maybe never.
I haven't had that 'first' date yet. But at least it's an option that's now open when and if I do decide to...I haven't had the guts yet to actually do it. And you are so right, what if I DO find someone else, what if I DO compare one to the other, BUT my biggest fear, what if I don't find someone else that makes me as complete.
And yea I wish too his marriage would fail and we could resume a normal relationship....dating...what a concept.
Today was the first time that I acted indifferent (as hard as it was) to him cancelling yet another dinner. Inside I was crying, but on the outside I forced myself to put a smile on my face. I got involved with a group project with my daughter's crew (scouts) and actually had a nice time. I even laughed. I was proud of myself that I turned my cell phone off so I couldn't pick up his call or feel rejected because he DIDN'T call. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. And for awhile I didn't think about him. That was ok. Now that I'm home, I'm hoping he'll call.
No Grace you are not alone. Neither of us are. Just feels that way sometimes. As soon as I figure out how to let go, I'll pass along the secret. People tell me time, others tell me another man, others just don't know what to say.
My fantasy of living happily ever after is still there. Oh how I wish it would come true.
I just keep telling myself that I am doing this with grace and ease,
Stay in touch. Next time you are having a good cry...think of me...more than likely I'm doing the same.
Pjayz
Good Evening....
I read your post. It is one that sums up the futility of our affairs....settling for less than a full life, wishing for things to be different.....
As you begin to date other men, perhaps your MM will end his marriage to be
That idea of turning the cell phone off only works for a time, I've found. B/C once you turn it back on, are you hoping he's left a message on your voice mail?
Tonight I actually went on a "date" Or should I say a "meeting"? I had a nice time, but every now and then, somewhere in the back of my mind, I would think of that lousy MM. I don't know what it was he did to make me so smitten with him, as we started out as friends.
Why do they cheat in the first place? Something's not right at home, don't you think? And don't they all want their cake, and to it eat, too. Jerks.
And why have we fallen for these unavailable men? I know I should probably go for counciling, but I thought I'd give this message board a try first, as it's much cheaper and more anonymous. (hopefully!) This MM isn't the first I've had to deal with, I'm ashamed to say. But he's been the most difficult to let go. He keeps coming back 'round! They say NO CONTACT is the best treatment. Doesn't seem like it's the easiest, but I suppose in the long run, it is. Why should we continue to spend our lives bending to the schedule of someone who will never be able to put us first in THEIR lives? Aren't we better than that? At least I THINK I'm better than that. I WANT to be better than that. I wonder, am I DOOMED to forever wander this earth in search of what I cannot have? Am I doomed to be a POACHER? Arrrghhhhhh!
I think I do need counciling!!!