Do You Know Your Motivation for A ?
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Do You Know Your Motivation for A ?
| Sun, 01-31-2010 - 1:46am |
I thought of this at 2:30am last night and here I am after midnight thinking about it again. So let me get this off my chest. I need to write or else those cookies next to me are going to send that size 4 dress back to the store !!
I began wondering, do we

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My first motivation was craving intimacy with a woman. I still do crave this. Am pretty sure
Good subject, my friend.
When I started working for XMM, the very first time I laid eyes on him, I had this weird sensation shoot through my body. That hadn't happened to me in 9 years since my last break up, which BTW ended very badly. He had cheated on me and broke my heart.
So my motivation, and I hate admitting this, was because I had fallen for XMM without even realizing it for the first 10 years I worked for him.I just thought it was appreciation and gratitude on my part because he was always so kind to me; giving me time off to take care of sick kids, buying me things to fix up my house, helping me out when my car would break down...stuff like that. In my heart I started pretending that he was as smitten with me a I was with him, but words were never spoken for 10 very long years.
At the 10 year mark I became an empty-nester after putting my life on hold to raise my kids, became very depressed and lonely and was ripe and ready for feeling something, anything, other than being a 50 year old, dried up has-been; and when Xmm handed me $500 in car repair coupons, I asked him, "Why me? He quietly mutters with his head looking down, "Because I love you." That was it, and the rest is history.
Yep, I was your typical mid-life crises/empty-nester candidate, who not only had a 10 year crush going on prior to the A, but had daydreamed on numerous occasions what it would be like to have this man.. I was blinded by lust, gratitude, and ignorance, never thinking in a million years I would get involved with a MM because I had turned many of them away over the years. I let it happen because it takes me forever to fall for someone, and just being around him for 10 years had me believing I really knew and understood this person.
WRONG! I only saw what I wanted to see...
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
I always knew my motivation for the A, however, it turned into an A and I was going along with it, even pushing for it, and didn't own up consciously that a full-blown A was where it was headed. I started on a slippery slope; I was playing with fire. Went down like this:
I met him at the party of mutual friend. I noticed him talking to someone else and just his physical presence made me feel like a dumb-struck teenager. I spoke to him only briefly. I then emailed him with some fakey excuse, trying to become his legitimate friend - but that didn't really 'do it' for me and the reach out to be friends was not moving fast enough for me. I had such a crush! Then, because he's a public figure, I sent him an anonymous email on his myspace. He responded cautiously but then we began three weeks of silly, flirty, back and forth flirting and joking around. He pushed me to reveal my identity because he said he was stressed out with paranoia and I figured I owed him that information, even though I was so embarrassed by my childish carrying on that I wanted to die! I thought for sure he'd learn my identity, we'd have a good laugh at our own expense, and that would be the end of it. But, it wasn't . He liked me and we began emailing and talking on a daily basis for several months. My motivation, his too, was obvious and we talked about it. We were bored, lonely, needing validation, and looking for a connection with another human being - which was something we were not getting in real life. Neither of us thought we'd be anything more than secret confidant friends and didn't see the harm of emailing and talking. We had lunch, with no physical contact besides a hug goodbye about six months into the EA. After that, it went to making out in the car, then heavy petting in the car, then --- two months later, sex.
Sex happened only a handful of times over the next seven months, then it happened more frequently. We both admitted we were using the A to fill those needs mentioned before, and that the A was just a 'bandaid' to help us cope with RL. He was trying to figure out whether or not to leave his M, and I felt 'stuck' in my M with no option of leaving or making it better (H was not working on the M at this point.)
I can't say the A snuck up on me, I knew what I was doing and wanted it, but if anyone had told me with that first email how it would turn out, I wouldn't have believed them, wouldn't have believed I was capable of it, and I certainly would have stopped it.
I'll never be so naive and foolish again. I'm lost my innocence and that's too bad, but at least I have gain knowledge and I can use that to make much needed improvements to myself, my M, and my future.
Thanks,
Dee
Validation!
Bule_belle your post resonated the most with me as you were able to dig down deep and figure out why you had the issues and where their origins were based.
You wrote:
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Thank you for sharing something very personal as it has helped me see something even deeper into myself. I worked so hard to not let any of my mother’s influences affect me in my adult life. I see now that by trying to do the opposite of what I think she would (past tense because she passed away over 15 yrs. ago) approve of I’m actually still allowing her to influence me.
A few thoughts came to mind when I read your above statement. I wonder if the reason you sought intimacy with another woman is because your mother made you feel like you were not worthy of a man’s love? Also could it be because your mom did not give you the love you needed so you sought that through another woman? You know me allows trying to understand and having more questions ;)
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi All,
Good post Bandk.
I know I’ve shared some of this in another post long ago with you Bandk but this one goes into a little more detail.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hey, band~
Validation.
When it first started, of course I wrote it off: thought it was simply a diversion from my boring home life, but it took the a and some really productive therapy sessions to realize that the motivation stemmed from something sooooo much deeper...childhood issues/relationship issues/choices...
It's kinda yucky getting to the roots, but really good to figure it all out...I just never really understood what my "problem" was and, sadly, it took the a to make me face these things head on.
You know, we go into the affair with blinders on. We think we are in love and that falsehood keeps us in the affair. Then of course all the affair garbage starts rearing it's ugly head. I think it is at about that time, that we just might start to ask "hey, what am I doing, why am I here" !! I don't think the real answer is available to us at that time, you just think it is. Like myself, I convinced myself I loved him and we had an
Good idea...we hit a "bump" in our marriage@ 25yrs and I turned away instead of towards my H, who needed me at the time. Selfish me - I only thought about myself and my needs; xAP was a colleague back then(10 yrs ago)he confided in me and I in him - how foolish on my part. This went on/off for 9 yrs until I somehow opened my eyes and said no more in dec 09. Anyway, after hours of therapy realize it was my own low self esteem that needed the boost offered by AP. Made me feel young, sexy, and smart! He once admitted to seeing that I was in a weak place and took advantage to get what he wanted. Pathetic on both our parts. My H - really a stand-up, great, family guy, and our marriage got back on track long ago but the A had become a "hard habit to break", so on it went(discreet, and secret). Now only 6 wks NC, I do feel stronger and wiser, but smart enough to know I have a long way to go. Thanks to all of you I know this is the road to follow and find my strength right here.
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