Do You mind if I Rant, Kick and Scream for a Minute or Two?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Do You mind if I Rant, Kick and Scream for a Minute or Two?
40
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 3:22am

Im NOT throwing in the towel...Im NOT giving up...Im NOT gna be in an affair in 2011 and Im NOT breaking contact.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
"That he was madly in love w/ me & going to come for me as soon as the time was right. I DIDNT make that up in my head. he told me that. he told me ALOT OF THINGS, and I believed them all and hoped for a future where things could be normal."

Therein lies the problem my friend, YOU believed him ):

It's this simple to me:

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck Michele.

It's a duck.

Dress it up any which way you want - but yup "quack"

It's a duck.

Just a plain old, cliche AFFAIR.

(((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2010

There's a tendency to over-focus on what an azzhole the exAP is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

FARK.

YOURE RIGHT.

I BELIEVED HIM.

DAMMIT. THIS RESPONSIBLITY THING IS KILLIN ME! :)

I BELIEVED HIM.

I BOUGHT INTO IT.

I LET IT DO A NUMBER ON ME.

I HOPED.

I WAITED.

I PUT MY LIFE ON PAUSE.

I MADE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

I IDEALIZED HIM.

I ROMANTICIZED THIS MUD.

I KEPT MYSELF STUCK.

I BELIEVED HIM.

I CHOSE TO BE POLLYANNA-ISH.

You tell the TRUTH woman!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE WHERE IM AT!

I have to accept and face some ugly truths about him and the a, to knock him from the pedestal in my own mind.

I have to take responsibility for MY VISION AND MY INABILITY to think unkindly of him and to call this SPADE A SPADE. Or as TU just said...to see the DUCK (cuz its quacking) and to see him as Jam. <--- a disgusting, lying, using jam.

Yes...I have a problem expressing my anger - I FEEL it but I tend to stifle expressing it and then turn it on myself. Also, I

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

Michelle -

<<<< YOURE RIGHT. I BELIEVED HIM>>>

When we are loving, caring, forgiving, compassionate women it's easy to believe - especially when we WANT to believe so badly. If it makes you feel any better, at least you didn't buy into it for 7.5 years like I did!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

7.5 years, Man. If Im this SPRUNG on 3 years...I cant IMAGINE, doubling it.

Yes...That's what my gf told me this morning. It probably all helps with his guilt.

I want to remain

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
"How long did it take to NOT see him through Idealized eyes?"

Michele, what's going on?

You're not in that/this phase.

NOT after all that's been done to you by him

I know you Believed him and for that you take responsibility.

But I DON'T understand what You are idealizing.

HE IS JAM.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN you are JUST ANOTHER WOMAN.

and maybe that's a little part of this.

That somehow if he's JAM, it means you're JAW.

?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010

Michelle,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

<<>>

I'm don't think it's something you get through - it's a process - like I said in my Zensesday post. Every single day you have to work on it.

<<<>>>

I don't know if I'm tougher, I just make sure that the strengths I have are used in a genuine way. I'm still very, very guarded with people - fallout from 7.5 years - and that's what I'm working on now.

<<>>

Again - I can't say that I never think about him in an ideal way. I still do - but I let it pass and I remind myself of what I want in my RL.

Think about what TU said - I think she's onto something. I've realized that part of why I might have held on for so long was because I wanted to "win" and prove that I was more than the OW. That we were different. We weren't really - we were ducks.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

I am SO thankful to be here - where for my HIGHEST GOOD - I TRUST you all to hand me these QUESTIONS

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010