Do you miss the physical relationship...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Do you miss the physical relationship...
9
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:40am
Wow, this is a bit frustrating to have to figure out another change in format... I found an archive for a post yesterday, 10204.1, but there were NO replies for it even though I know they were there yesterday. I was very interested in the question and responses from married women who stil hunger for the passion with xMM. Many here felt that they would never experience the passion and sexual excitement with H that they had with their MM and they missed that the most since the end of the affair.

My response was that although I totally relate to the fact that being with MM allowed me the greatest sexual expression I've ever had, I still would rather have the pre and post-sex intimacy, bonding time that was impossible with MM. Maybe that's because sex with H is good (but not nearly as passionate as the affair). Plus, I never lost sight of the fact that over time, sex with MM would become boring too. Obviously his W and he thought so or he would not have seduced me (or the next OW he could manipulate). If his sexuality was so wonderful, why didn't his marriage reflect that? He is probably at least 50% of their problem...

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:19am
You are completely right on! However, I believe a lot of these relationships are about men who are carrying out their sexual fantasies. They allow themselves (for whatever the reason) to be completely open about their sexuality because they don't have to worry about what their A partner thinks of them....not really. I also agree that if the true intimacy was in place, then these same men would be able to speak to their wives about all their fantasies and feel completely comfortable. HOWEVER - there are a lot of wives who because of "decency" do not want to go there. It's a fine line, however what I would say in response to your post is this...if you're going to be married to someone who is supposed to be the closest person to you in your life, then you should be able to express ANY NEED with your marriage partner and not be looked down upon or thought of as wrong. Please do not take my post the wrong way. There are a lot of sexual acts that just plain have no business being part of a sexual relationship however, I do believe that if people who are married were more open with each other about their true feelings and not fear being judged, ridiculed or worse embarrassed for having their feelings, then there would be a lot less affairs. I think if you were to ask most men...what would concern them the most????? Their W having a one night stand or a really intimate dinner with hours spent talking to another man, you might just be surprised at their answer. Bottomline, anyone who is married has the chance at a real honest to goodness wonderfully intimate relationship and the best sex out there and if you don't have it, shame on you! Spend more time working on the TRUE INTIMACY with your spouse!

JMHO

GT

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:14pm
I do agree with everything you are saying. Unfortunately, in the 99% of the cases, people just aren't completely honest with each other in marriage. I suppose it's the risk of shocking or offending our mate or maybe other factors that I'm not aware of. There is a lot of truth in the fact that OW and OM feel relatively sexually safe within their affairs...
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:23pm
Oh yeah, I miss it terribly. He was an incredibly skilled and passionate lover and it's been a real process for me to accept the fact that my sex life will never reach those levels again. There was a chemistry with him that I've never felt before.

I'm staying in my marriage. Things are so much better with my H, but the passion isn't there, never really was. It's fine and I can live with it. There are good things in the marriage that don't deserve to be thrown away and I'm optomistic about our future together. Besides, I'm fifty years old and have no desire to go out looking for another lover, I wasn't looking when I took the one I had. He'd be an awfully hard act for anyone to follow...but as far as a marriage partner he leaves a lot to be desired. It's taken me a long, long time to get to the point where I can see that clearly.

Life is good.

Belle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:30pm
This is a really interesting thread!

I think many women for whatever reason are able to allow themselves to open up much more with an affair partner then with their husbands. For whatever reason-maybe its the secrecy, maybe its the excitement, maybe its the fact that there are no expectations-they allow themselves to become someone other then what they are in their marriage.

That's how its been for me and when its completely gone I know I will never get it back! I think the trick is to somehow allow oneself to be that 'person' around our husbands. I'm not sure its possible for me...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:06pm
GT - I read your reply... I was one who replied yesterday that I do miss, incredibly much, the sexual aspects of my EMA...

For my entire adult life, I thought something was wrong with me because I didn't enjoy sex much, and never reached O. Never. I learned, with XMM, that there is nothing wrong with me.

My H and I are working hard on being more connected, more intimate. We do talk about sex, share fantasies, tell each other what we want and need. There is almost nothing I couldn't say to my H (the one thing I don't say is that I had an EMA)... BUT. My H is not able to meet my sexual needs at this time. He never has, and he knows that and is sad about it. But he has never had any stamina - it is ALWAYS over too quickly. We have tried many things to "fix" this... I think, over the years, my body just shut down out of pure FRUSTRATION... and while he apologizes, it doesn't make it different or better. We've read books, tried techniques... bottom line is that nothing has made any real difference...

Yes, in a perfect world, communication and intimacy with my H would be there, and the physical relationship would be incredible... but right now I just really miss good sex. Plain and simple. And I'm not sure that it has everything to do with our level of communication, trust, or intimacy. Sometimes there ARE other factors...

Glinda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:42pm
I agree with you Glinda. I've learned (through the affair)what I want physically and emotionally, learned what was missing at home. This led me to be more open with my H about what I need and want, and that I wouldn't be able to stay in the marriage without it. My openess led him to realize that something was wrong with him physically and he's undergoing treatment. Things are improving.

But I'm having to relearn my responses to him. Years of frustration have left me not expecting much, not excited by him, easily turned off. It's taking work to get past those learned responses, but I'm getting there. I also had to end the affair, physically and mentally. No fond remembrances, no unspoken expectation that the OM and I would be together someday. Commit to the marriage, quit having a divided heart, no fantasizing that it would be so much better with the OM.

We're dating, believe it or not, after 25 years of marriage. Going dancing, going to dinner, listening to music. Finding each other again in a different level of intimacy. He's taking Viagra and it helps his confidence and his stamina, and he's also taking Testosterone treatments to increase his sex drive since it was non-existant for years.

He's learning that I need some romance and affection. He's holding hands, telling me he loves me, being extremely considerate and I'm surprised by his level of committment to change. I pray every single day that I will fall in love with him again.

And guess what - it's working! My eyes are opening to what a good man he is and how much he loves me and I'm touched. I'm seeing pretty clearly that life with the OM wouldn't be a bed of roses. More passionate, oh yeah. But I have a good man who is trying and there's a lot of merit in that.

Belle

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 6:14pm
Yes, I do very much. My break up with my MM is still very fresh. In fact we were only together once. We mutually decided that we had to deal with the problems in our respective marriages without the distraction of a physical relationship. However, that one time was incredible, and I would love to experience it again. My struggle now is to maintain a non-physical relationship with someone I care deeply about. I would rather have him in my life as a friend, than not have him at all. I don't know if it can be done.

Deb

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 6:27pm
Belle... your post was wonderful - good luck - it sounds like you do have a good man... My H is also a good man... but you wrote something that really touched me

"We're dating, believe it or not, after 25 years of marriage. Going dancing, going to dinner, listening to music. Finding each other again in a different level of intimacy............ He's learning that I need some romance and affection. He's holding hands, telling me he loves me, being extremely considerate and I'm surprised by his level of committment to change. I pray every single day that I will fall in love with him again.........And guess what - it's working! My eyes are opening to what a good man he is and how much he loves me and I'm touched. I'm seeing pretty clearly that life with the OM wouldn't be a bed of roses. More passionate, oh yeah. But I have a good man who is trying and there's a lot of merit in that. "

I have tried and tried and tried, in writing, in discussions, even in therapy, to tell my H how much I need him to TRY. To romance me (he is trying, but not much - but yes it's more than before). To dance with me, "date" me... make me know he doesn't just assume I'll always be here. To CONNECT with me. And to get him to tell me his needs and desires too... but the hard part is that he really just wants things the way they were - where we both had our heads in the sand and didn't admit to any problems. But we didn't communicate either. And I am STRUGGLING with it - how to make him TRY - to, as I said on the other board before it changed formats - to realize that this is important and maybe the difference between "happily ever after" and a divorce... My H is a good man... I want to fall in love all over with him... there is a lot to us that is worth trying to save... but sometimes it's hard to keep up my hope. Especially when he says things like "this is all I can offer, and I'm never going to change".

Glinda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:01pm
YES, I miss it.

The sex was amazing, every time. I fear I will never be content again.