do you seek vengenace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
do you seek vengenace?
10
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:19am
A little back ground first, was in an "A" for the last three years, left my H for the MM for promises he made me,,three years later he is still very much married,, :for the sake of teh KIDS" crock of *****. Anyways, M took me away in January making promises things are going to change and all that,, well guess what,, off they go AGAIN on thier family vacation,, his kids are not young at all, 13.16.18, I have had enough, he betrayed my trust, he betrayed me, so told him to go home to his wife and put things togather or get out,, but leave me the hell alone, I want my life back....Question is Yes I am hurt and so very very angry,, but do I have the right to tell his wife,,not so much for vengence but more so to make ME feel better about what he made me into a "MISTRESS", something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and it is something I can not accept, and yes I knew he was married and all but so was I and we promised each other, that we would be together and I have held my part of teh promise, but he only thinks of himself and HIS kids,, not MINE ,,He is a CAKEMAN and NOW I feel he should not only have his cake and eat but wear the ICING on his face!

opions please??????

Ladyinwaiting40

WHO WILL NEVER WAIT FOR NO MAN EVER AGAIN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:31am
You're so angry, and lord knows you have a right to be, but ultimately you will not rid yourself of your anger by hurting him, his wife, his kids.

The best revenge is getting on with your life and being happy! Work on making yourself a better person and someday he can look at you and EAT HIS HEART OUT. :)

I know it's an overly-simplistic answer, but I truly don't think seeking vengeance is the best way to go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:53am

What struck me about your post was that you mentioned his kids twice, both times dismissing his concern for them. Once you stated his concern was a crock of... and the other time you raged about how he only cares about himself and his own kids and not yours.


Personally, it isn't his responsibility to worry about your kids and their well being, its yours. Why are you so angry that he may be putting his kids first...Maybe some guilt over the fact that his kids have both of their parents together and yours don't?


As for him making you a mistress...he didn't do that, you did it on your own. When you left your husband and he waffled on leaving his wife, you had a choice, become the OW or leave him until he left his family...You chose to become the OW and he accommodated you, but you chose that life. He is definitely responsible for his part in the affair, but you then should take responsibility for your own part. No one forced you into this relationship, you willingly entered into it.


Should you tell his family? Absolutely not! Why would you want to? is it because you are being

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:03am
Obviously you now realize that your biggest mistake was not bailing when he did not in return leave his wife, but I can understand why you choose not do to so, as loving someone makes us do strange things. But it's also quite obvious that there was alot of love within this relationship, whether it was shared who knows, but you won't find out by telling his wife, in fact if you go that route you can kiss any chance of the two of you someday being together if things were to go in that direction. Never burn down bridges that you may one day wish to cross again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:10am
There is no reason to tell his wife. Ultimately, it will only cause more pain. You might feel momentary vindication, but ultimately you will feel worse for this down the road. The only person that should tell his wife is your MM. Work through your own anger and pain without dragging more people (his wife and kids) into this.

Do whatever you can to work through your anger, but releasing it on his wife is selfish and not necessary.

Clairce

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 10:17am
Honey, I've got to go along with the other posters, nothing good can come from you telling the W. I know it sounds harsh, but you made these choices. It always hurts to feel that your trust has been betrayed, but the anger you're expressing comes from within YOU. Do yourself a favor and explore the anger and a healthy way to cope with it. Telling his W is just creating more drama and chaos, hurt, and maybe even lowering your self-esteem. True, things didn't turn out the way you had planned. But you made some decisions in this process and you need to take responsibility for them. While venting to his W may feel good and be an outlet for you, it's not going to help anything for anyone involved. JMHO.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:04pm
Lady,

Don't tell. The others are right, the best revenge is a good life. Yes, try to forgive yourself, seek help, I did. We're praying for you.

lily


Edited 3/26/2004 2:22 pm ET ET by lily022

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 5:08pm
Two months ago, I felt as angry as you sound. I wanted so badly to "share the pain" and it made me angry that he was still with his wife and I was alone. I wanted to call his house and hang up just to make his wife suspicious. (How's that for passive aggressive...didn't want to actually take the responsibility of telling his wife about the affair but wanted her to know.) I resisted the temptation and I'm so glad. Trust me when I say, the anger and pain subsides...it just takes time and energy and trying to refocus. Don't stoop to the vengence level. Just work on making it through this rough time.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 6:56pm


Don't do anything in anger, this is not the fault of the kids or his wife, you got played by a player , burn those bridges and move on when your ready and build a real life no more fantasies.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:08pm
Honey, he betrayed his wife first. I agree with you, he is a cad and lier and betrayer.

You have learned a good lesson. Men don't generally leave their wife and kids for the OW. If he cheated on his wife, he certainly would have cheated on you. My guess is he will go on to another affair and will do the same to her.

Most married couples experience attractions outside their marriage, but most don't act on it because it is not a good idea. It only begets heartache for all who are involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:14pm
Thank you everyone for your opions all heard and taken to heart, and thos ewho thinkI need help,, nah,, this is a very strong willed and minded yet so grounded woman that was taken for a ride by her heart,, Vegenance is a process of healing ,, first is ANGER, then betrayal, then you want vengenace,, you want that person to feel your pain, and they do in a different way and if they do not they will,, not by your hand by what comes around goes around,, sat there today with a whole photo album that I wanted to send his wife, but for why,, she has known about us for years and yet she plays her games,, if he is so unhappy he has to find a way out or sleep in the bed that he HAS made, and as for those that said he is not responsible,, you are so wrong,, when a man or a woman is is in a marriage that is so bad and a long comes a man or woman that gives them false hope and takes advantage of their good heart and loving ways,, it is the person that takes advatage that is respondable of the wrong, when I met him I was very married ,, happy NO, but was going to stay there until my youngest was 18, he made me promises and he made sure I got caught with my pants down ,, did I see that then NO, do I see it now YES,, for I now see the forest , the trees, the moss, the lies.. I told him from day one I will never become someone Mistress, a passing fancy,, he played on my vaurabilty and took advantage of my loving nature....NOw I see all, and haver to thank HIM for making me a stronger woman and making me see his true light,, yes affairs are not what we all want and most times they just happen,, but in just cause to all they are so freaking wrong,, they steal your conifence, your pride, they play on your mind, your senses,, it is that we crave someone so much because we can not obtain it or is it just for our pleasure of having what is not ours,, love yes we fall in love and then how do you let go something ,, someone you love, without pain, without wanting them to hurt like you....Talked to him,, he still asks me to wait!! will I ,, NO!! should I,,,NO!! but my heart loves him so!! life can not answer all our questions but we learn from our mistakes,,,will I go back to him NO!!

will I wait, because he is so afraid of hurting his kids,, NO!,,,I willnot compete with kids,,,am my own woman and I will just be me, he does not want me leave,, he says he can not leave his wife because of the fear of hurting his kids,,, then he will have to hurt cause I HAVE MOVED ON

thanks for listening guys , this has been one hard, long lonely road,,, but have seen the light,, hurt his wife , what for?, hurt his kids, they have enough on their plate their father lies to them, their mother uses them to get what she wants from him,, YEAH Gouvernemet of tomorrow, me,,,my kids have adjusted and are all in college now,, me I WILL SURVIVE,, and no malich intended to anyone out there but if your thinking of having an affair the cost and the price you pay, is never worth it!! Love yourself first and never let no man nor woman ever treat nor love you less than you feel you are truly worth

Off to my first day of pure freedom in 24 years

ladyinwaiting40

NEVER TO WAIT FOR ANY MAN EVER AGAIN!