Do you think he'll ever leave?
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| Thu, 01-13-2005 - 8:12pm |
I wanted to get people's opinion on this. I am a 25 year old smart, pretty, kind woman. I met my married man at work where people expect older married, successful men in my company to cheat. When we first met (about 2 years ago), I was instantly attracted to him. I thought though that it was just me. I didn't even know his name but I would see him at work and wonder what he was like. After working together (not very closely nor often), we finally got a chance to talk outside of the office at a work happy hour. We sat at the bar and talked for 3 hours. It was the most exciting 3 hours of my life. It was like getting to know the person you've secretly had a crush on and wondered about....on a emotional level. From that point on, we just got closer and closer.
One night, after we both had had a couple drinks at another work happy hour, he kissed me. No one saw but I was shocked. Although I knew at that point that he was attracted to me and I was with him, I didn't think he and I would ever do anything about it. He's not the cheating type (although I've been told that there are no TYPES). At first, I was disgusted with myself and with him but after the initial attempts to make it strictly a professional friendship, we would always end up emailing, calling and finding excuses to see each other out of the office. He has been with his wife for 12 years. They got married 5 years ago and have no kids.
We have never slept together (because that was my choice) but we definetly have had a physical relationship. The thing is is that I know this is wrong. He says he's unhappy in his marriage but he doesn't want to get a divorce. HIs parents divorced when he was young and he feels like he has to make it work. He also feels like he cares for her and that since she's a good person, he couldn't do that to her. With him, it's more about him not giving up......proving to himself that he can make it work.
After months of secret dates, getting to really bond emotionally and falling for each other, I couldn't take it anymore and I told him we could no longer do this. We can't even be friends or talk to each other. Since then, we do not work at the same place anymore but still, every week or so, we'll call or email each other. I know I try to not do it since it's better to make a clean break but it's so hard because I love him. He tells me that he's trying to not contact me and that he agrees that we should end things because he has to make it work with her and because he can see how unhappy our secret relationship is making me.
Although we've never slept together, we really understood each other. We would look at each other and just "get each other". I've never felt this way towards anyone before. I've never been in love nor have I said that I loved anyone before. He said it first and after a couple days, I said it to him to. I guess the thing that kills me is that I question if he ever loved me. I question if he was just confused, bored in his married or into me because it was something different and exciting. Obviously, I do not think they have a good marriage but I don't know why if he loved me so much, he'd think of me as the type of girl to be "the other woman". I also know that if I am emotionally only into him at my age, I may be giving up an opportunity to find a single, available man for myself. I sometimes think I must be crazy for loving someone that obviously didn't love me enough to end the married w/ her first.
It's been almost a month since I last saw/talked to him. I've started going to see a therapist because I became so depressed. I have great friends around me who I can share this with but everyday, every second of the day, I can't stop missing him and thinking about him. How do I get over him?

HBAS
How do you BEGIN to get over him start with TOTAL NO CONTACT for any reason at all, keep seeing the T and when you feel ready start dating SINGLE men.
No he will never leave 90 to 95 percent of cheating married men never leave for the OW.
Your Corporate environment seems to foster cheating among the men that make it there so this guy is just doing what is done there, DON'T believe the bullcrap about his marriage it is standard stuff from the cheaters playbook every woman here just about has heard it word for word.
Don't kid yourself into thinking you really know this man from your secret dates, his wife has lived with him for 12 years 24/7 and does not know that he cheats on her so you don't know him 100th as well as she does.
JMHO
Free
First off i wanted to say that I do indeed think you ARE a very smart 25 year old.(your post was very well written and thought out I think). I am very impressed. I hate to see you go through this pain. But you are going to be terrific.
No contact. Take what you can from it as far as what SOLID fortitude you have, great assessment of situations and know that its very hard to glean anything good from liars. Dont let anyone turn you into one just because their lifestyle makes it seem more like the "real world out there". I wish I'd stayed innocent. There is one thing I can't get back. Don't be fooled. We always seem to want to feel bad about ourselves way longer than they will feel bad about themselves. The superficial will get their come uppance one day. The only thing I can say is that he is still having to tap dance to stay "happy" (so he thinks) and I will be able to look myself in the mirror because Ive learned my lesson.
If you are indeed smart, young, pretty and kind, you have the world by the balls. Don't waste another moment. Open up your possibilities to have extraordinary single men treat you well in the daylight, above-board, in splendor and heartache (LoL). It will be worth it. Stay smart girl.
I see tremdous possibilities for you just because wrote here on this board.
Thank you for showing me your strength and smarts. Walk on girl...there is soooooooo much out there for you. Don't be like him...older, dumber, and STILL unhappy,and a liar on top of it. There is no future in this. You my dear...have an awesome future ahead of you...if you want it =).
signed,
Older, lonlier, but wiser, not lying to anyone nor myself, and getting happier =),
Lizzie
Heartbroken:
I'm sorry you're going through this. Even though we bring it on ourselves, it still hurts.
I'm sure that your MM does love you. Sometimes we just fall for someone. Even when we didn't mean to. Even when we know it's wrong. You can't help who you like. But what you can help is what you do with it. I'm sure he has many, many feelings for you. But, the unfortunate part is that he is married. He is unavailable. He is unsuitable. And it's probably not going to change. I'm sure he does care very much for his wife. Maybe even still loves her. Of course there's something to be said about the newness and the exciting phase of getting to know someone you're attracted to, such as yourself. It certainly is more exciting than the day-to-day of a relationship that's been in existence for a long time. But in the end, he has a committment with her that you don't have and probably never will. The best thing you can do for yourself is to just forget about him. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's sad. But we all have gotten over people in our lives. We've all had "break ups". Even you, I'm sure. You'll get over this, and you WILL find someone who IS available to you eventually. Take that to the bank and cash it.
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I've never posted before and I guess, I got desperate enough to try anything/everything. Everyone that wrote me, I thank you for being so understanding and not judging me. I know that what I've managed to get myself into was something that I'm not proud of and the hardest part of all this is that anyone I respect and want to share this with seems to not be able to relate or judges me. I mean, I would have judged someone as well if they were having an affair w/ a MM but now, knowing how REAL my feelings were/are, I understand. NOt that it makes it right.
It's so funny how so many people in their early, mid and late 20s are getting married around me. I wish all my friends good luck in their marriages and hope they don't end up unhappy like the MM I know was. I'm just sad that I went from being a girl who wanted to get married and had so many hopes for marriage....into a woman who doubts that her future husband (if I ever find one) will remain faithful to me.
So MM do always tell the OW the same things, huh? They make us feel for them, want to help them by expressing how unhappy they are in their marriages. Although he never spoke ill of his wife and I didn't either, he did make me feel for him. Like if I were married to him, I could make him happy and I'd be happy too. But at the end of the day, I think he would have been unhappy with me as well. (He's been depressed for several years and on meds again recently).
I think every day that goes by, I'm getting closer to letting myself let go of him. Because no matter what I say I'm trying to do, I've been secretly hoping that one day, he'll show up on my doorstep saying he has left her. Because he was so close to doing that (even though I told him I didn't want him to). So I can and will try my best to make NO CONTACT with him but I've noticed that whenever I go out, I don't want to meet anyone new. I don't want to date anyone else, I don't even notice other guys in the room! That's the frustration. I feel like even though I let him go, he still has this control over me. I know that he will never actually leave her but IF he did, I want to be able to say NO to him. I don't think I'm there yet though.
Thanks for listening everybody. I hope that one day, I'll post that I am over him.
Sweetheart, I'm old enough to be your mother -- and then some. :-) Listen to mother: You do not want to be with a man who cheats on his wife. You do not want to be with a liar. Real relationships become difficult enough all too soon. Living a fairy tale that will only, sooner or later, bring you pain is a waste of your life. Not to mention that he said he's not going to leave his wife. So exactly what is the question??
Yes, he can love his wife and you. Problem: there is NO FUTURE for the you and MM other than a lot of pain -- and most of the pain will be for you.
I'm glad you're in therapy. It will help tremendously if you don't give it up too soon.
BTW, I would be willing to bet a lot of money that his wife knows he cheats. One of our universities (I don't remember anymore which one) did a long-time experiment with married couples. One of the spouses was having an affair. The non-cheating spouse very often started to DREAM that the cheating spouse was having an affair. Her/his unconscious mind was 'picking up' on what the conscious mind refused to acknowledge. My MM was a serial cheater who truly believes that, over the past 20+ years, his wife has had no idea that he cheats. Even if I had believed that he was telling me the truth (I didn't -- I am positive he got caught at least once), I think his beliefs were 'in HIS dreams.' She knew and she knows. Lots of times the long-married spouse has his name, the house, the car, the money, the retirement coming up -- and she'd just as soon he got his 'kicks' elsewhere. She doesn't care if he gets a VD or AIDS -- she ain't gonna sleep with him again. But she's not leaving -- AND NEITHER IS HE.
NO CONTACT. The pain does go away. But you'll always remember. I think that's our 'punishment' for being foolish.
I know how difficult this situation can be. How much you feel that you love him and he loves you. How you can't get him out of your mind no matter how hard you try. How you are so sure that he loves you. How badly you want him to love you. I know the pain and the frustration. I know the agony.
I don't know your man. But if he says he isn't going to leave his wife, believe him.
Whether he loves you or not, you have nothing but more pain and frustration to look forward to if you continue or move forward with this affair. Sure there will be fun times here and there, but mostly doubt, loneliness, frustration, dissatissfaction the list goes on and on. It is a roller coaster ride that you can't seem to get off of.
If you are already cutting back on your contact with him, and seeing a therapist, you have already began making steps in the right direction.
Keep seeing the therapist. Don't stop going no matter what, unless he/she is incompetent. Make yourself go even when you don't feel like it. Listen to her/him. Listen to others who are looking in from the outside. You become blinded in this game and can't see the truth for what it is. You are guided by your heart and your feelings. You deserve a healthy normal relationship. And I promise you, that no matter how much he loves you or you love him, an affair does not offer a healthy normal relationship.
Value yourself enough to demand better for yourself. You deserve a mans full attention and love. You shouldn't have to share your man, or take his seconds.
Don't allow yourself to be led by your emotions. You are a smart girl, and your mind is telling you that this isn't a smart relationship. Listen to your mind. Your emotions will calm down in time. I promise, it will get better.
you write: "He says he's unhappy in his marriage but he doesn't want to get a divorce. "
They ALL say that they're unhappy. It's not so much that he's unhappy as it is that he doesn't feel motivated to invest more or do some looking at himself to make some changes in who he is. The fact that he's not so miserable as to divorce her and be happy with his life says it all. If he *were* as unhappy as he claims, he would be in marriage counselling talking with someone trained to help him move through this block, not talking with a 20 something yr old who has no training in marriage therapy, has no experience in marriage herself. He's using you in order to avoid doing what needs to be done.
you write: "Obviously, I do not think they have a good marriage... "
No matter what you may think, you don't know enough information about their marriage to make that judgement.. hearing only the side of some man who's trying to get in your pants isn't good enough. You don't know his wife's side--his marriage is probably quite fine, he's just being a spoiled brat who can't have his way with something, so he's pouting and 'showing her' by hanging out with you--his 'secret weapon' in his arsenal bag that he can say to himself when they fight "Ha! I've got one on you that would torpedo your bluster to kingdom come".
you write: "How do I get over him? "
Stop emailing, stop seeing him, stop making excuses to see him. Think of how it would feel if this was your husband doing this to you. If he'd do it to his wife, he'd do it with you, too.