Do you think it would help if I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Do you think it would help if I
16
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:55am
talked to ex-MM, to just close the door. As it stands now, we both know that it is over, but I just need to say it to him. I need some sort of closure to this relationship, and what I'm doing now is not helping. He would never be man enough to say, "it's over". There are some things I really want to say to him. I may feel better, and he may say somethings that make me feel worse, but it's something that I feel like I need to do.

I'm so scared, I've got butterflies in my stomach, because I plan to do this at lunch which is about an hour away.

Need your opinion

Secret...............

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:09am
Oooh, Secret. I don't know.

I really don't have much advice on this because I am the type of person who always needs closure, the last word, and the control or I have a really hard time getting past something. In fact, I logged into IM Friday just so XOM would message me and I could say some things I needed to say. Honestly, it didn't help much. You definately run the risk of him hurting you and making it worse. Mine actually cut me off when I started getting to deep for him. That was not nice.

REALLY give this some thought before you do it. The butterflies are unpleasant for sure, but could you maybe give it a day to think it through? Get past this wave and find your footing? I completely understand where you are coming from, and I would be tempted, too. But I'm pretty sure the ladies on this board who've been there and done that and moved on would recommend that you stick with NC. Find the answers within yourself, don't go exposing yourself to more pain and conflict just to get some closure. Chances are you won't find that closure from him anyway, and you run the risk of undoing your progress. You said you both know it's over. Do you really need to beat the dead horse? Try to maintain some dignity, hold your head high, and move on. I think it was Free (if not I apologize...I love this atatement) who said right now, you can be a pleasant memory to him. Leave it alone. (And I'm paraphrasing here...) Don't give him the reason or opportunity to think of you as psycho or someone who won't let go. My XOM tends to always think that of me whenever I tried to really talk to him or get any closure, anyway.

Stay strong, and do this for you. Explore your feeling to find that closure within yourself.

Love and HUgs,

Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:52am
It's really hard for me. I know that I should maintain NC.

Although I had initiated NC, it was done in a way that he could always come back......and he did. He would call to check on me. And to be honest I held a speck of hope that things would work out. That he would rise to the occassion, get his divorce, and we would mend our broken fences.

Now that he has totally turned his back and quite trying to contact me, has been a slap in the face. The hurt is deeper than I thought.

This is something that I have been thinking about for days. There are somethings that I would really like to say to him. We both know that it's over (unspoken). I want to hear it from him, or I want to say it to him.

I'm hurt but mostly confused........

I don't want to seem like a psycho, or that I'm just sitting around waiting for his call. That may be the sweetest revenge is to just get on with my life. I know he would like to think that I'm about to die over him not calling......well I am, but I sure as hell don't want him to know that I am. So mabye I should hold off until this feeling passes. I need to do this for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 12:34pm
Secret,

I would really try to hold off. You have the right idea...don't let him know you are dying inside. That would just feed his ego and give him more control over you. Live your life! Remember...

LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE!

I know last week I finally realized all of the things I had been missing while involved with my XOM. I missed out on such joy because I was in that hazy high I got from him. You sound like you are ready to start fresh and be present in your life again.

"Although I had initiated NC, it was done in a way that he could always come back......and he did."

I did that too. But this is about an internal decision on your part. You've already made it, now you just need to stick to it. You will make it through this withdrawal you are feeling now. I know it's tempting to tell him it's over or hear him say it. (Which, when he does will break your heart and make things even worse.) Instead, lead by example. Let your actions show him it's over. Trust that it IS over for you and start living your life again!

We're here for you every step of this process. Post here when you feel like contacting him!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:17pm
This is about so much more than him or this relationship. I have never ended a relationship without going right into another to stop the hurt.

I'm at such an awful place in my life right now. IT's sink or swim.

My activity level is 0. I'm gaining weight and now my family is starting to worry about my health condition. I am too, but it's so hard. Trying to get over this relationship, trying to change my eating habit/break a bad habit, trying to have a more positive image of myself. Everything about my life needs to change. I'm depressed, about "me". I don't like what I see, but I'm to weak to fight back. My emotions are all over the place, one minute I'm crying, the next I'm angry. One thing feeds off another. I don't get out socially because, I don't have adequate cloths, because I've gained so much weight, thus I'm at home ALL the time. Some weekends my car never leaves the garage. I literally feel dead. The only thing between me and the grave is......I'm actually breathing, but the quality of my life is 0.

My will power is fighting to come back. Ending this A, was only the beginning, although it is hard, and something I needed to do. I'm facing many, many personal challeges. I feel so overwhelmed.

Thanks for letting me vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:50pm
((((((((SECRET))))))))) Big Hugs!

I totally understand where you are coming from. I went through a MAJOR depression triggered by a string of deaths, illnesses, family trajedies, and a general sense of my stability falling apart. I gained 20 lbs, fit in NOTHING i owned, and completely withdrew from my husband intimately. I was JUST beginning to come out of that, had lost some weight, felt a little better, but still felt unconnected to my husband. Then XOM started pursueing me and I got caught up in the high. Needless to say, not only did that make matters worse, it also kept me from dealing with the issues that got me into it in the first place.

I am in counseling now, and it sounds like you might benefit from it, too. My therapist is helping me to sort through my emotions and fix things one at a time. I was so overwhelmed before! I didn't know what to address first, so I never addressed anything! I strongly recommend you check into that option.

Remember that you are in withdrawal, and depression is a symptom of that. Ride out the urge to contact him, and take that crucial first step in getting to the root of the problem- NC. Then find someone who can help you deal with the core issues. We'll help too! Please keep us posted.

I am so sorry you are going through this, sweetie. It sucks, and I'll help anyway I can. Feel free to post or email anytime.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:36am

Secret, you sound like you could potentially be in a serious depression.

Love
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:42am
Hiya Secret,

<<>>

So, what exactly is there to say? "Hi MM, we both know it's over, but I'm phoning to say it's over" sounds a tad silly, doesn't it?

<<>>

Who do you imagine it would help? Why try to gain some closure on a relationship where there can BE no closure? Light has hit the relationship and like cockroaches & other vermin, it goes scuttling back into the darkness.

<<>>

NC is not an instantaneous fix. NC is not a feel-good to replace the feel-good of the EMA. NC doesn't stop you from hurting or grieving the loss of even an unhealthy relationship. NC DOES allow you time & distance in order to gain some clarity about the situation. And that's what's needed, time & distance.

<<>>

So why bother yourself any further with a less than real man at all? You've already said you both know it's over - telling him as much is utterly redundant.

<<>>

You won't and it smacks of hammering on the closed door. Furthermore, it only feeds his ego that you cannot begin to let him go - what an ego stroke for him!

<<>>

Why do you feel the need to expose your soft, white underbelly for yet another kicking? What does it achieve? What do you seek to accomplish?

My opinion is continue to walk away by maintaining strict NC.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:56am
Secret- I'm too new at this to give you any advice but I definitely can sympathize with you. I said so much to my OM, first, angry things about the way he had treated me and how he made me feel, then I spilled my guts about my feelings for him and what my hopes had been. None of it made any difference. For the most part, he said very little and what he did say wasn't any of the things I really hoped to hear. Even his apology was un-satisfying: I felt like I had to pull it out of him and it seemed so inadequate for the hurt he caused me. I think alot of us, at the beginning of the end, harbor a fantasy that the OM will realize what they have lost, change into a completely different person and contact us to tell us how much they love us and beg for forgiveness-even if we are only hoping for that so we can slam a door in their face. I know I wanted some validation that our time together wasn't a total waste, that he really did feel something and I wasn't just a fool but I don't think I'll ever get that. Even if he does come begging back, how would I ever know if it was sincere? We all know that these relationships are wrong and damaging to us in so many ways. I think the only closure we're ever going to get will come from ourselves and not from them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:08am
It does help. I went through the same thing and getting things off my chest made me feel better, but listening to some things he said did not. That's the chance you take when it comes to ending it. I hope it went well for you. I am trying to keep the No Contact rule in order it's tuff but I hope god will give me the strength to do so. For me It's only been 1 week, after 3 1/2 years of knowing such a wonderful person. Hurts.

Good Luck,

Be Strong...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:31pm
I just wish I'd read this board before I started my A...

I was doing ok but then broke NC last Thursday, after 3 weeks. Basically he damaged my car during an argument (hit the dashboard with his fist) and I just saw it the other day. I was furious and wanted him to know about it, though I know he can't pay for it.

Well, it was a mistake. All we did was argue, and he defended his W to me. She knows about us (my H doesn't) and has contacted me several times (though not recently) to harrass me. I hung up on him after saying hurtful mean things. I was disappointed in myself in a way, but he deserved to hear them...he treated me very poorly, so I am not really sorry.

He did me a favor by leaving, to be sure...but it still hurts. Its really an ego thing...I think I am worlds better than his wife (prettier, thinner, smarter, more successful) but he chose her over me. I know a big factor was his daughter, who's only a year old. But the bottom line is, I got burned, and I got angry about it.

What IS good about the call is that I knew that it is truly over this time. He's not pining for me, he's not having second thoughts (well, not that he admitted to). And he's just as messed up as he was when he left, far as I can tell. So it just solidified that I need to move on and not expect to ever see him again.

Now I can move on with my life with my H, have kids, and focus on making all of them happy. It still hurts to think about the A, and what we had together, which at times was just magic...but it was not meant to be. I knew that from the start, but deluded myself. I can only hope to learn from it, and move on.

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