Do you think its strange???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Do you think its strange???
12
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:02am
I know alot of you say how you wish your OM/MM well but right now I DONT! Is that strange? I am trying to hate him. Trying not to dwell on happy times but focus on moments and things that I didnt particularly like. In fact I found myself wishing him unhappiness so that he would feel miserable about losing me. Strange right?

In fact I created these fantasies in my head of me running into him in a year or so and I of course looked really good and was totally non-chalant w/ him and wanting him to feel regret that he lost me. I had visions of me being really strong when I saw him and him confessing that he misses me. I have been hoping that I will recover and strengthen my marriage and he will just be miserable.

So how evil am I right? Strange? Phew, what a confession!! I am actually laughing as I am writing it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:18am
Anger, for me it was part of the "process". You might be surprised if you knew how your XMM really felt. (but, most of the time they won't share this). My A ended last Sept and it took all of these months to move past it. I couldn't understand how I could suffer so much pain and he could just walk away from it. One day, a few months ago, XMM and I were talking at work about work related stuff. All of a sudden he stopped talking and looked away from me. I asked him what was up and he said that standing there talking to me was bringing up so many raw emotions. I didn't say anything and walked away to give him a few minutes. I waited a little while, then I told him that I was confused by what he said because I was so envious of him to be able to forget it and just walk away when I was acting like such a freak. He told me it wasn't easy at all and I was shocked. All those months that went by, I thought I was crazy, he DID feel bad about the whole thing and I had no clue.

So to answer your question, no I don't think it's strange, because I assume deep down you don't really want him to be unhappy, it just is something we do to cope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:33am
I agree with both of you so much.

Sadly, the man I loved stopped talking to me because he was guilty. No warning or anything. He just shut me out.

I want to be happy he is having a problem, but I love him, but I hate him, but I don't want him to hurt, but I want him to hurt like I do.

It's like a bad cycle.

I'm glad we didn't sleep together, but it still hurts.

I am so glad I found this board. It's great that we can come here and talk. No one understands this like others who have been through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:07am
Strange?? Not at all. I do wish my XMM happiness because I know he has had a rough, lonely marriage; I think I was really a bright spot in his otherwise dreary life. I'll always care about him and hope he finds peace.

HOWEVER -- I am pretty sure I am going to see him at a wedding I'm going to be in next year. And I can't help but fantasize about how HOT I'm going to look, and how COOL I'm going to be, and how he's going to EAT HIS HEART OUT! Bwahaha!! (evil laugh)

To quote the great Jimmy Buffett: "If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane." :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:19pm
Your funny!

Ok. I havent envisioned torturing him yet so I guess I'm not that crazy. tee hee! I am just trying to visualize what it would feel like to be the "strong" one. He is much more matter of fact about things. I am sure he is struggling but he has a history where he was very hurt by his father and can shelve things easier and move on.

Guess what??? Its 4:15 and I have made no contact and have thought of him a little less during the course of my day. I know every day is different but at least I can chalk off one day w/ NC.

Ok...here comes another confession. Today I tried to pretend he was dead so I could make him dead in my mind. Am I a weirdo or what? I just said ok dipss just pretend he does not exist, never existed, just make him dead in your mind.

Obviously trying everything to make these feelings go away.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:31pm
I think you do what you have to do to make it through this tough situation. As long as it's not emotionally or physically destructive to you or anyone else, why not?

At first I dreamed of ways to punish my xMM because I felt so hurt. Finally I thought of something that made me laugh and would be irritating to him but wasn't destructive. I logged on to a bunch of web sites and put him on mailing lists. He recently made the comment to me that he doesn't understand why he's now getting Victoria's Secret catalogs, Army/Navy/Marine recruiting information, etc. The first time he mentioned it to me, I had to work really hard not to burst out laughing. (I think he really suspects me...I didn't deny it just agreed that it was really strange.) It still makes me grin when I think about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:44pm
LOL! Very funny.

So do you think if I signed him to receive mail from local hotels directly to his home that would be evil?? Just kidding....I think. Although it is kinda funny!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:51pm
i think this is all positive. why question it? if you have to be angry right now, be angry. I will go, in a day, from being so incredibly angry to daydreaming about him kissing my stomach in my hallway. and then i catch myself and i just get angry again.

When the A ended, i had to get really angry to even motivate myself to get on with times with my kids and to get anything done at all.

Be angry! You won't be forever; but consider it today's process of where you must be.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:52pm
I have to admit that my evil side did come out just a little....his wife is very conservative so to "punish" him a little, I signed him up for mailers from Hustler and Fredericks of Hollywood. Everything else was just innocent stuff that I thought would be funny.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:00pm


Life,

Your words hit home. I know it's only been 2 days with NC and I broke up on Monday, I know he is feeling it because he didn't want the break. I know I am on his mind and I know he loves me and his feelings are sincere and genuine, which makes the hurt all the more worse. There wasn't an arguement, or any event that caused the break-up, I broke it off because I NEED an open, honest relationship and I want it with him and he is not ready or willing to end his M. I can't be second-best anymore and that is the reason I broke it off. Sometimes I wish there was some big arguement or event that caused it because then it would be easier to deal with. No, we left loving each other. I am trying to put together in my mind how to handle these feelings of sadness and emptiness. Tomorrow is my D from my H, so that is weighing on my mind, but at the same time I am trying to absorb the fact that this is really it, and I don't think I have fully absorbed the break-up. Monday and all weekend I was an emotional mess, but now I am numb.

My way of coping I know has been extremely unhealthy. I am not eating...literally, and when I try I get sick to my stomach, I'm not sleeping, I get up every hour on the hour. I have been glued to this board and reading posts in the hopes of finding the "magic" words to help heal all the pain I feel. I am also hoping that since I am on the computer that I will suddenly get an email telling me all the words I WANT to hear. He is respecting my wishes by NC, which I am grateful for, but in my heart I wish everything would just stop hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:01pm
Or worse I could sign him for hotels AND gay men subscriptions. Now that may cause for some serious alarm.

Shoot, now look what your making me do add to these crazy thoughts. It is making me laugh though...too funny!!!

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