Do you think they find it easy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Do you think they find it easy
7
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:46pm
Do you think all these XMM find it easy to just settle back into their lives, even the ones who really did feel something cause to be honest none of us know which of ours really felt what they said, I guess some of us are a bit more sure than others just by judging from what happened, but none of us are 100% sure. We all know for our own sanity that an affair was not right whether we wanted more or not, but do you all think that while we are all here hurting, missing XMM and wondering how they are that they have just gone back to their married lives as if nothing has happened, I mean if the wife knows of affair.

I have to see his wife every morning as we pass driving to work she knows who I am, it just seems as if their life carries on as normal, or am I just being stupid? I think he was right to try and make a go of it, I still want him but only if they can't work it out. I told him amongst other things,in the letter I wrote ending it that I didn't think what ever hell his marriage was that he would leave, that he is too much of a coward, it's a safe bet and that I feel his wife would forgive him anything, but how can she?

I don't really know what I am talking about cause XMM told me he was finding it hard, that's why I told him NC because for his childrens sake I need to be out of the picture and were making it hard for each other to get over. Just feeling low wish i didn't have to see his wife every dam morning to remind me she in his arms and not me. It's selfish but I just hope it's not too easy for him.

And I know it's silly but I'm starting to dread Valentines day wondering if he'll buy her roses send her a lovey dovey card! Wondering if he might send me a card, hoping he will and dreading he will. You get along fine for a few days and then you feel as if you are going slightly round the twist!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:58pm
thoughts about things like birthdays, valentines, evenings out, bedtime, etc. used to just tear me up horribly. won't it be great to be past that? -- you'll get there. I am. I hope MM and his wife are rebuilding their marriage, or not. I don't care anymore. I used to think the very worst thing that could ever happen would be to see them together with a new baby or her pregnant. Oh gosh, that one used to really destroy me. I know I'm pretty okay because thinking that right now my reaction would be like, "huh, how about that?"

I think they (our XMMx or XOMs) don't find it easy at all -- they're just much better at compartmentalizing than we are. When they're with you, they're with YOU. When they're with her, they're with HER. not as much crossover, analyzing, and analyzing.

Hang in there. Be strong. You're getting there everyday. Be proud of your strength and taking care of yourself! Besides Valentines is a fake-o, manufactured holiday to sell cards, candy, restaurant meals etc. I'd rather have someone treat me with love and respect every day than buying some junk one day a year!



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:12am
I thought my XMM was able to put it all behind him and move right on. A little over a week ago XMM and I had a little chat at work and I told him I was a bit envious that he could get over it all so easily. To my complete surprise he said he was feeling tons of raw emotions and trying very hard to hide how much he has been effected by all of this.

I was shocked to hear this. All this time I thought he was able to just put it in the back of his mind and forget about it. I thought that I was the only one suffering. Once he told me this there was almost a complete calm that came over me and I have been doing so much better with accepting this whole thing.

My point here is, your XMM may also be doing a good job hiding how he really feels. Maybe he is trying to do what he needs to, to go on with his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:02pm
When I feel envious, I try to remember a few things...

1.) Boys are often told from a very young age, "Don't cry. Be a man." Hiding their emotions is part of being masculine. It is their coping mechanism...kind of like a 'poker face' and 'never let them see you squirm'. Women weren't raised this way. I'm sure they hurt every bit as much as women...maybe more because they can't let it out.

2.) How great could their marriage be if they are having or just had an affair? I keep telling myself this one all the time. How great could MM's marriage be if he has been having a five year affair and moved out once? They have not gone to MC - at least he claims. The fairy godmother didn't come down and waive her magic wand and make him forget about the past five years. He's got the same memories that I have. They remember - trust me.

3.) My MM stays because he's scared of change...period. He is choosing to cope with problems in his marriage by having an affair. How do I know this for sure?...because that's exactly what I did. That's exactly why most people turn to affairs. People have affairs when there are problems in a marriage. It doesn't matter if both spouses knew there are problems. Just because the W thinks everything is fine in her marriage, doesn't make it true. When one person isn't happy - you have problems in the marriage. When an affair ends, the MM may be consciously trying to work on his marriage (like Riverguy). But, look at him. Do things sound rosey with him? Not overnight and not without a ton of pain - just like us.

I try not to dwell on other people's business any longer. I am trying not to be a victim. We are all here of our own free will. A person also chooses to torment themselves with their thoughts. If you find yourself having those negative thoughts, I suggest spending an equal amount of time thinking positive and fun thoughts about your dreams and goals. It's only fair that we spend as much time dwelling in the positive as we do in the negative.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:33pm
You've had such good advice from the other posters and I agree with them wholeheartedly! I'm sure the xOM doesn't just forget and go on with his life, I know mine misses the affair tremendously. It made him feel young and virile and special for a time but it didn't change anything for him because he didn't want anything to change in his REAL relationship, just a secondary relationship to make him feel a little better.

But the fact is that his life and his relationship with his wife and how they carry on from here is none of my business, never was. He and I are still in contact periodically and he still complains about her, but the fact is that he loves her and is committed to her or he wouldn't still be with her. Quite frankly, I'm tired of hearing about it.

I was a temporary bandaid, an aspirin for his aches and pains if you will. His choice is and always will be to keep things as they are and if the truth be known he doesn't have it that bad. I am not responsible for making him feel better or he me. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if there weren't already another woman in his life because he seems to define himself by how well he performs sexually. When she is receptive to him he's as happy as a clam. When she's not he would run to me. It was easier than trying to figure out why his wife was not responsive and work on finding a way to enrich their relationship.

So yeah, he's having a hard time but for much different reasons. He feels old and unappreciated sexually and that's not my problem. I never should have made it be my problem.

I tortured myself with the same thoughts and jealousies but finally got to the point where it didn't matter anymore. It comes with clarity and realizing that if I had him, I'd be the one he was complaining about because it really is all about him and how he's feeling and what he needs instead of figuring out what his wife (or any woman) needs. Basically he's an unhappy and self-centered man who has some real issues that need to be dealt with but that's not my problem anymore, either.

Does that make sense? Theres an element of selfishness in these men that I can do without.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:02pm

Wow, you have GB almost to a "T."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 4:28pm
Hurricane Belle,

A southerner... I presume.. Anyhow... I enjoyed your post a nice perspective.. How long has your A been over.. you sound really healthy! Good for you!

Katja

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 5:27pm
Yes, a southerner! One of those Scarlet O'Hara types but the Scarlet that was bustin' her butt out in the fields, not fanning herself on the veranda!

The affair's been over for 7 months, but it was ending for about a year.

All I can say is that I am finally completely, totally free of it! No more longing and anguish, just relief.