Do you think you supplemented your xAP's marriage?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Do you think you supplemented your xAP's marriage?
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:33am

Hi everyone?

Seeing as though things are a bit quiet here at the moment I thought I'd try and start a thread. One of the things I've wondered about xAP is that he used me as a means of filling a void in his life. He is happily married to a wonderful woman who he admits has many many outstanding qualities, she is kind, caring, loving, hard-working, fantastic mum, daughter, so supportive and loyal towards him, so understanding and forgiving, a complete gem of a person and he loves her dearly. The only problem is that he does not find her  sexually attractive, she doesn't enjoy sex and his sex life is unsatisfactory .... and that's where Soglad came in.

As time went on in our relationship I became aware that he was becoming more firmly entrenched in his marriage, even though we had been together longer, his children had flown the coop, and while I would have been expecting him to be moving towards making a committment to me, it was clear that any form of committment from him was becoming less and less likely of ever happening. And as I analysed the reasons why I realised that his marriage was probably actually stronger than it had been at the beginning or before our A, because he was happier with his life on the whole, all his needs were being met, mostly by his W and in the one department she came up short, I was filling his needs. The situation for him was perfect and he didn't want to change it in any way.

As far as xAP supplementing my marriage is concerned, no he didn't. He did fill an emotional void in my life, but the A created much more unhappiness, distress, disappointment, heartache, trauma and pain than the small amount of emotional support it gave me. The bad points far outweighed the good points.

So, did anyone else feel this way too?

Thanks for listening x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:30am

Hey Soglad,

My A was with a single man, so didnt supplement his marriage as such. I guess we filled an emotional void that we believed existed within our lives - that a whole web of tangled and unresolved issues from way back.....


For me he did fill an emotional void but it was an emotional void of my own creation. An excuse to indulge in something I felt entitled to, me not taking to kindly to where I am in my life cycle, me believing I was doing all the work in my M. Me being selfish and foolish, ME! ME! ME! All me, he really (and oh how this hurts) could have been anyone.


Great post Soglad, Much food for thought. Wish I had longer to post..... Im on a roll (in my head) :smileyhappy:


Sunny (soon) Xxx   

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 11:01am

Mornin' soglad :smileyhappy:

Couple of comments.  First, a MM words that he does not find his wife sexual attractive, that she doesn't enjoy sex and that his sex life is unsatisfactory are right up there...probably the top three...b/s lines for sympathy to get sex from his affair partner.  Stop believing his words to be absolute and accept that he was probably just saying what he needed to say to get sex.  Chances are good that most married men ARE getting as much as they need at home...they are just bored with the same ole same ole and want 'different'.  You can see that by his actions....more firmly entrenched in his marriage he became.

And didn't his filling the emotional void in your life allow you to deal with life and your marriage?  I would think it had to have for you to have jeopardized it all.  Initially it must have anyway...'til it turned sour because chances are, you emotionally attached to the relationship that was just suppose to be about just sex for him.

I'm sorry this is so hard to accept...for many of us.  Women use men for emotional void filling, money, power, protection, security.  Men use women for sex.  Basic understanding.

Hopefully, we learn our lesson...and that makes us more protective in the future of our mind, body and soul.  Our body is our Temple.  And sex is such an intimate act for us, and so laying it on the line is certainly going to make us feel more used and bad about having been used.

You will never know his 'whys' and are just filling in the blanks.  Try to concentrate more on analyzing you and your reasons why and less time on him and his reasons why.  





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:49pm
Hi, and f00bar I'll help you A was different in that xAP claimed that the best part of his M had always been their sex life - they married young and it was the one thing that kept them together! They argued about almost all else. What he got from me was all the rest - the understanding, the listening, the talking, the patience, companionship etc. So of course I was happy to provide that on a daily basis for 12 years and then completely enjoyed the sex when we were together. What he wanted from me was so easy to give, and I think that is the reason we went on so long.

So we did supplement each other's M's in that way, though each just a little closer to center than the usual polarity of 'woman with emotional void/man needs sex.' We often commented on it, as Geminis with the same birthday - how balanced we felt. Gosh, I feel like I should put on a mood ring or something, having a '70s moment.. but I know that the A was false - sweet, but false.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

I said 'most married men', foobar.

I've never assumed that men are not vulnerable to emotional a matter of fact, I've stated how men want the emotional connection as well.

As far as your last statement...just more drama.