DOES ANYONE HAVE AN ICE PACK??
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| Thu, 01-22-2004 - 11:50pm |
a feeling of calmness, partially attributed to numbness, finally came over me about two days ago.....i felt that there was no chance i'd hear from him, and therefore the anticipation and anxiety were losing their strength.....even today (my birthday), i spoke to a friend while at work who was concerned about how i was doing, and i said i know for a fact that i won't hear from him, and i'm dealing with it.....
but as the evening went on, i felt the clock ticking in my head.....the hours were passing, and the end of the day was drawing near......there was so much less time left to the day, and it was becoming clearer that he was actually not going to contact me in any way......and i began to feel like a house fell on my head!.....you know what it was?....it was just another step in the actual, real, once and for all, FINAL ENDING (final? what's that??).....this day coming and him not contacting me was just another reality check, another sign that, yes, by golly...this relationship is really over!!!...a fact that i was supposed to have gathered by our saying goodbye over two months ago.......HOW MANY HOUSES WILL HAVE TO FALL ON MY HEAD BEFORE I CAN REALLY BELIEVE IT'S OVER??? HOW MANY CONCUSSIONS WILL IT TAKE FOR ME TO GIVE UP HOPE????
i even went back to look in my archives of thousands of emails to find any email birthday card he sent in the past, just to read his note, but they had all expired and i could no longer read them......
well, it's 11:24, and i truly need to drag myself from this computer and go to sleep....i've got what feels like the flu and i feel like hell, and the stress and tears are just making it all the worse, and i just need to give up the fight, and go to bed.....just as soon as i post this message......or maybe after i wait just a little longer to see if maybe he unblocks himself and says hi.....i'm dreaming......it's not going to happen......and i know it......but it's so hard to give up......i still miss him.....39 long freaking days (is that really almost 6 weeks??) of NC and counting.......tick, tock, tick, tock.....i'm losing it.....is it too much to ask that this be the worst birthday i'll ever have, and that the future hold happier years, happier moments, happier birthdays?........ada
Edited 1/22/2004 11:54:49 PM ET by ada_j

Sending hugs and happy birthday wishes your way! I'm sorry the day has been so hard for you. I do understand. I'm still not over the fact that my XMM didn't contact me on Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's. He and I are back in limited contact now, but it's not the same, and I don't think it ever will be again. I think that after so many arguments, tears and hurt feelings, there's just no going back to the way it was before. I realize that now, but it's still hard for me to accept.
Now that your birthday has almost passed, I know that things can only get better for you. Hang in there, and know that you are going to make it through this! You sound like such a caring person....I'm sure that true love is in your future....if not with your H or XMM, then with someone else. In the mean time, keep posting here, and know that we are all in your corner.... (=
Your a survivor! what are you doing holding on to all those e-mails? Give yourself a big birthday hug and DELETE them! OK even if you can't delete them yet, definitley stop looking at them. I'm sure dwelling in the past casuses the use of the ice pack.
Big BIRTHDAY hug for you!
I promise time heals all!
Katja
and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you Ada.
I know how it feels... I didn't get the expected Christmas wish and I too was disappointed. Everytime my mobile beeped I held my breath, hoping it would be him, but it wasn't.
Hang in there, things WILL get better. Gosh, there were SO many times when I too needed an ice pack... there were times when I wished I WAS an icepack, so that I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.
Take care... for every one person who forgets your birthday, there are 10 people who love you and want you to be happy, remember that.
Just read your post!! I hate that you had such a hard time on your birthday!! Next year at this time you will be ready to go out and celebrate in style!! It takes time and it is so hard but you will get there!! Keep moving forward, you are doing great, despite a hard day!!!
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige
I am at the point now where I do hope to hear from him someday and hope to see him some day (highly unlikely since we live hrs apart now) JUST SO I CAN COMPLETELY IGNORE HIM!
I will ignore him too. I don't plan to ever give him the pleasure of a conversation again. I guess that's progress! Just a month ago I was still crying every day.
Hang in there, we are all here whenever you need us. I am so glad I found this board and all of you.
hugs
onward and forward.....baby steps, right?.....one foot in front of the other....
you all have a wonderful day.........ada