Does anyone know why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Does anyone know why?
4
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:34pm

I have posted here a time or two, I have tried to end it more than that. Each time he does some small thing to lure me back.....and I am left dangling waiting for a call or an email. Then it finally hit me....If I can't have all of you....then i don't want you at all. I got tired of listening to pitiful excuses and reasons that he couldnt see me, distance and time has become a large factor, yet he won't let go, so I have to.
He asked me to wait a year, and at the time I said yes but we seen each other almost everyday and he called several times, now his job has taken him out of the area and communication is down to nil... I have told him time and time again this isnt working for me, yet he refuses to listen, why is that? I would never give him an ultimatum he knows this, I simply want to walk away...How do I get through to him I am done this time?

So now my phone is ringing and the emails are coming, everytime I walk away he suddenly finds the time, does anyone else have this problem? Do you understand why they do this?
I am trying to find the strength to not give into his actions, any input would help....

Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:45pm

Imagineus,

Your post could be written by almost any one of us. We all have (or had) this exact same problem or we wouldn't be hanging out here. In fact, there have been a couple posts today with basically variations on the same theme.

We are all tired of the back and forth and basically have decided it not good/enjoyable/okay/worthwhile to have part of a person and so we try to end it - but the true ending of it is hard. We "open it up for discussion" with the AP and they respond by giving us more attention to keep us hooked (they are hooked too btw).

The only real answer to your question "How do I get through to him I am done this time?" is to mean it. Don't respond to him and don't give in (yes, this is the hard, hard part). But if we're going to "open it up for discussion" they are going to fight back in most cases.

"I would never give him an ultimatum he knows this" - You need to and it can be unspoken. Your decision to stop this simply can't be open for discussion - and that they will take seriously.

I'm right there with you though, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:57pm


The answers are really very simple and not the least bit complicated:

Q. He refuses to listen, why is that?

A. Because he doesn't have to. He knows you will cave and let him back in because you have every time in the past, so why shouldn't he keep trying, what makes THIS time any different from the rest?

Q. How do I get through to him? (The phone is ringing and the emails are coming.)

A. It's not up to you to "get through to him." He will keep trying and will not give up as long as he still has access to you. IF you HONESTLY want the phone calls and emails to stop, you must either block him or change both (changing being the better option so YOU won't be tempted to unblock.) I know that seems like a horribly difficult thing to do. I thought I never could, but I did. The result: peace at last. ONLY when you cut off all avenues of communication to him will he finally "get it."

I hope you can step outside the box and see that you are actually encouraging him to stick around. You need to get pro active and put action behind your words that the end REALLY does mean the end. It's a painful course hon but believe me, the pain of dragging it out is WAY worse than having it be over and done with for good. I speak from experience here.

p.s. If you are worried about hurting his feelings by doing this, don't. Trust me, he'll get over it quickly.

Best of luck!
CGU

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 2:47pm

imagineus,

It seems like we're having the same type of day, you and I. It's just like everyone said, he tries so that he still has a window to you. He wants to make sure you're still in the corner of his eye even though he's doing whatever he wants. It's always about them. They do it because they're selfish. When you don't give them the attention they want they'll do their damndest to get you to notice, but as soon as you're back there again they'll forget you're even alive.

I know it's tough, but stay strong. If you give this man an inch it will start all over again and you will be hurt the most. I realized this the hard way AGAIN just today. I was doing well too. Now I feel like I've lost my dignity all over again. Remember that you deserve more, and he probably won't give that to you. Hang in there....

tiny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:33pm

Gineus

This is typical Narcissistic behavior very common to men that get involved in affairs, they can never accept being rejected as they see it by a woman they have mastered in there own mind even if they really don't have much interest in her, if it is to end for them they need to be the one doing the dumping.