does anyone think of revenge?
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does anyone think of revenge?
| Sun, 05-15-2005 - 10:56pm |
As I am trying to gather myself, my thoughts, and my actions together to end it, I keep getting these little thoughts of revenge creeping into my psyche. I am not a vengeful person. I mean, I know I could make things really miserable for MM with one phone call to his W, right? That isn't the type of revenge that I mean. I mean, I want him to hurt and be hurt by my not following through on my words - just like he has done to me. And I know this can't be healthy, can it? What does it mean that I get these little thoughts/desires for revenge? Does it mean that I'm really not moving towards ending it? Anyone?
Trying to understand and get clarity,
Birdie

Love isn't vengeful. I refuse to be vengeful because I want to know for myself that I loved truly.
He didn't. I think he expected me to be vengeful given the information I had, and that probably kept him "nice" as he couldve been to me (and I probably misconstrued that as caring for me). Afterwhile, he got confidence (when he left his wife) and moved in with another OW who would support his choices to not stand on his own etc.
He is cocky, bragging with me now (last contact was a month ago calling me to tell me how wonderful everything is for him). I think he figures by now, if i wouldve done anything to jeapordize his job etc (other OW worked with him but not in same company), that i wouldve done it by now. Now he is cold, bragging etc....such a lil boy ...stupid boy. Yes, for microseconds i think "boy ...what i couldve done to you...." But i have to live with myself and not feel worse than I already do about myself. So I don't.
I am determined that living well....is the best revenge. He has to live with himself. Call it passive agressive manipulation or turning the other cheek. But I hope he feels shame for hurting a good person. But he may be a sociopath who cannot feel remorse. Ive decided to take that risk in thinking...and wish shame on him but nothing more. I'll never know. It wouldn't do anything to be vengeful but to act out his expectations because I think he lives in a Springer-type world more than I ever would anyway.
I'll take my class and dignity with me, even if he doesn't see it...i see it really is more for myself. I can live in that comfort when its dark and lonely.
Use the "stop n think" method" when you get these thoughts in your head, practice putting them out of your head quicker and quicker each time. Don't allow yourself to dwell on them, make those times shorter than the last. It can't hurt right?
Lizzie
It means that you are normal. It's very normal to want the person who put us in so much pain to suffer as well. Anger is one of the stages of getting over someone.
However tempting it may be, remember the old CHinese proverb - "let he who plans revenge best dig two graves". The fact is that you most likely love this man and to hurt him will only hurt you in return. He is a louse. His wife already has her own pain, don't add to it. There's a good chance you will open Pandoras Box and who knows what could happen. Honestly - nothing good could come out of it. He will hate you and despise you.
Rather, the best revenge is showing someone you don't give a damn about them either way. Honestly, nothing hurts more than someone who you thought was so into you that has no feelings for you at all - in fact, they are so over it that they even wish you well! Hold your head up high and strive to be the best you can be. One day you will be happy and walking down the street with your new love, laughing hand in hand and MM will be watching and heartbroken that he lost the best thing he ever had - and you won't even notice.
Ivy
Ivy,
I love this whole post about "living well" because it's a model of how our lives are supposed to look after we've ended it. I think your thoughts on it are great:
"nothing hurts more than someone who you thought was so into you that has no feelings for you at all - in fact, they are so over it that they even wish you well!"
I have read through many posts where we want our diginity and pride back because we feel it's been so stripped from us. I also like it because if I can manage to "live well," I might actually start feeling like I'm really "living well"!! It is indifferent and unemotional - but without bitterness.
I know it does not involve us going on and on about how much we cared for them when we talk to them, nor does it include any negatively charged contact - this just boosts them up and makes us feel like we've given even more of ourselves for nothing (and they sense that).
If anyone else can describe "living well" I'd love to hear more on it.
WIP
Hey Ladies...
Regarding revenge...I have been reviewing heavily the stages of Grief.
Chris <?xml:na
For me, revenge means two things:
1) I'm continuing to look backwards on life rather than forward.
2) I'm keeping contact of some sort; even negative contact. Why am I wasting my time on doing this rather than focusing on MY OWN life?
Ending means just that: no more continuation of the relationship. No more lies. No more deceit. No more looking over my shoulder. No more hiding.
Choose your path: honesty or ??????
jmo,
cl-nre
wip
Here is a little story about living well. My boyfriend cheated on me and we broke up over some other girl. I was heartbroken but determined to "do the right thing". It was Christmastime and I had a present for his parents which I game them along with a thank you note for always being so nice. I lost weight, was depreseed but was always nice when I saw him. I started dating other guys and really having fun. He called on our anniversary (ooooppps I had forgotten) then 6 months later he wanted to get back together. I had moved on but it was icing on the cake when he realized that he wanted me back. The truly great part was that there was no big decision to be made, no way I would have went back to some guy who would treat me like that!
The best revenge is to move on and become an even better person. Take classes, get in shape, be the best mom (friend, sister, worker) ever. Do what interests you. There still are those times when I want him to suffer like I did but I always try to put that in God's hands. Things have a way of working out for the best. Everyone here deserves so much more then being the "other woman", when the truth is that each of us is "the woman".
Living Well...I like those two words.
How did I have my revenge to both my H and his xOW?
1. Getting help. I was mildly depressed for almost a year since his affair started last year, got worse after discovery. Now I see T once a week. Have felt so much better now.
2. Move on. The xOW still tried to contact my H, instead of getting angry, I told her to keep on writing him and I wish her good luck and if ever he left me for her like she wanted, hopefully it'd be worthy for her own sake.
3. Go to the gym everyday. My H moved back in february but unfortunately last month he had to leave again for 4 months due to his career. The last thing he said was he was not happy to leave me alone when summer is coming and what with I look better than ever. Hah! The satisfaction was so much more than an instant gratification lashing out at the xOW or him.
4. Volunteering and taking up pets. I have 3 rabbits now and I volunteer every now and then. I stopped dwelling on my own misery and started to live outside the box.
5. Working and playing harder. Since my H is away most of the time, I spend most of weekdays by working, going to the gym, taking up some courses to improve my skills. Come the weekend...going out with friends or just relaxing, reading outside, hanging out in a cafe by myself people watching or writing on my laptop.
6. Dancing.
7. Taking care of myself. Live healthier, get new hair color, new hair style, new wardrobes. Yesterday my H called and said thanks for the new picture. He said I look completely different now and damn good.
Now I'm happy with myself, with my marriage, with everything and everyone in my life. I haven't heard anything from xOW and I don't care if she is okay or not now. My H knows that there is no way he can take me for granted because he knows I can live with or without him. I love him so much, as much as I love myself. I haven't given up on him, and will always be here to support him doing the right thing. That doesn't mean I will always be here no matter what though. There is no "forever" or "ever after" in my dictionary.
Ultimate b,
I love your list. You have done a wonderful job pulling yourself up by your bootstraps! Congrats!
Thanks for posting - it gave me a number of ideas, WIP