Does this happen to other women too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Does this happen to other women too?
11
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 9:11am
I haven't been to this board in awhile. But I do say a prayer for all those who are here. And I know you all can help me with this or at least give some insight. Quick background. I was with a man who was engaged & almost called off his wedding. Well, he got married on May 15. About a week later, I get a phone call saying he thinks he made the biggest mistake of his life. All his friends and family know he's in love with me, but didn't want to call off his wedding because she spent alot of money.

What tends to happen in these situations? I love this guy. Why, I don't know. But when I was with him, I was happy. Anyhow... will they last, or will he end up leaving? what tends to happen? I don't think he'll leave for me, but I don't think his marriage will last. I mean, he was calling me a week later. Wassup with that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 9:29am
i cannot even answer this makes me so angry this MAN who think that he can play with your emotions this way & turn it into HIS pain...if i tell you to run fast in the other direction it won't mean a thing while you still love him..beleive me i KNOW...i just stopped my om's wedding(& everything was paid for...it was scheduled on my next birthday) but i couldn't do it till i hated his guts & did not care if he hated me back(which he does).. DO YOU THINK THIS NARSSISIST IS FINISHED?????no way...these men are never finished,never think they have enough always think the grass is greener...if you have the STRENGTH to bow out now,say no way & do everything in your power not to see him again,i guarantee he will spend everynight of his life dreaming about you...the girl who got away.

however...that sounds wonderful in theory but is difficult in practice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 9:49am
Do you really think that your MM will leave his wife, start an exclusive relationship with you and that everything will be perfect for the rest of your lives? He doesn't have the courage for that - he didn't even have the courage to back down from his wedding while having all these doubts about it. You have to end this now, stop all contact, and let him deal with his "mistakes". I definitely agree with what anon said. It will be hard, no doubt about it... but it's arguably the best choice.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 11:50am
He's just scared and looking to you for comfort and to boost his ego. Don't play that game. I know you want to reach out to him and help him because right now you love him, but he knows that too. The question you have to ask yourself is, what are you getting in return? Are you getting everything that you deserve or will you be forced to compromise? Could you ever fully trust this man? I mean, he just stared into the eyes of his wife and made promises and vows. Clearly, that was a lie. You deserve to be with someone who has the courage to be a man, to be honest, and to give you everything. Don't settle for less!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 12:22pm
Ditto what every other poster said, especially realsign. He just promised some poor, maybe unsuspecting woman that they'd stay together for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do them part...the tough times in that marriage haven't even begun and he's looking to bail on her!!! No one needs a man like that in their life!

He may truly love you and believe with all his heart that he made a mistake, I don't doubt his feelings. The thing is, he's obviously got some real issues. Don't get any further involved with him or his mess. He needs to take some responsibility to his new bride and if he did make a mistake, an annulment or divorce is absolutely in order for him. But that's part of his journey, not yours. By standing by him through this all, you're enabling him to eat cake. That's not going to help you one single bit. Run like h#ll, honey. You deserve so much more! JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:44pm
I appreciate everyone's post, and I agree with them. But I am going to be honest here. While my head knows to do what you all have told me to do, why doesn't the heart listen? My heart just wants to run and get him. I hate that I feel that way. I want to run, and not care. But that's just not happening. Why not? There isn't anything extremely great about him to the outside world, but my he has my heart. It took me a long time to admit it. But he does. Am I crazy? My head knows but my heart won't let me run like h#ll. It's like I'm on a tread mill. I'm running, but getting nowhere because my heart is spinning. What do I do? How? He said to a friend of mine that I have to tell him how I feel. What does he want to hear? That I love him? Shouldn't he know? I just want the triangle to be over. I know it would be his loss, but I don't want him to lose. Help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:08pm
unfortunately you won't be able to do anything untill you've had enough.& at that point you will hurt like hell...sorry to be blunt but its true.sometimes i think i'll die from hurting..was this all worth it?not a bit.not in hindsight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:14pm
I know you are torn, and I know it's so hard. If he wants to know how you feel, you should tell him what you told us: You are ready for the triangle to be over!!! I hate to see you get tangled up in this mess, so early in a marriage. It's not fair to any of you! I wish you would muster up the self-respect to say, "No more," and stay away from him until and if his marriage does end. But I do realize that if it were that easy, we wouldn't all be here, would we? Good luck.
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anonymous user
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:42pm
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Sweetie, you are so focused on HIM, on his needs, on what he wants to hear. You are more concerned about his loss than your own. I'm telling you, you are way too close to this to have any perspective. You HAVE to give yourself some room, some time to breathe, and figure out what is true, what is healthy. The drama, the rush of emotions, the fantasy...all those things are so blinding. If it is real, if it is true, it will be there when and if his marriage crumbles. But as someone previously posted, that is his journey, not yours. Codependents often want to make that journey for someone else to spare them the pain. There is a lot of dignity in figuring things out for yourself. Give him that dignity. Let him go. Bring the focus back to you. IMHO.

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I'm sending you lots of hugs and warm thoughts. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:12am
Thank you all for your thoughts. I'm torn. Isn't thinking about him and his needs what a loving relationship is all about? It tears me up inside to be in this, and I want out, but I want to take him with me. IS that dumb? I feel lost. I know he is my soul mate. Everyone knows it except his wife. If he told the truth, he'd be with me. WHY WONT HE DO THAT?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 12:44pm
It sounds like he doesn't have the guts to. Maybe he wants to give the marriage a fair shot. If the two of you are soulmates and meant to be together, you will be. Just give it some time. Has he asked you to leave him alone for a while so he can figure things out? If so, try and obey his wishes. It doesn't sound like their marriage is going to last and if that's the case he will remember how much you sacrificed for him and he'll know how much you really love him. In the meantime, try not to wait around for him. Give yourself the opportunity to meet other guys that are available and can give you what you deserve right now. You never know, you might meet someone wonderful and later wonder how you could stay with the MM for so long!

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