Does it get easier?
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Does it get easier?
| Wed, 01-26-2005 - 9:33pm |
I have done well with the nc. But it gets very difficult when I see him at work and we can't even look at or talk with each other. I don't run into him often. Our A had not reached the sex part yet but we very intimate in other ways. Neither one of us wanted to end the A but had to because our spouses found out. I am feeling bad tonight because I saw him yesterday at work and it is like we are strangers. I miss him so much and wish this longing for "what could have been" would go away. He is a very kind man and I enjoyed our frienship very much. When will this grieving end and what do I do in the meantime? I appreciate any insight you can give.

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Thanks for your response and I want to believe it. My H and I grew up together (same group of friends) and then one thing led to another and after dating for 5 years the next logical step was marriage. We were always great friends but i knew he was not a deep person. not talkative. not analytical. not emotional, not curious. (All these characteristics were a good compliment i thought to my personality). My H and I still have fun together and enjoy each others company, but how can a person change? You say that it takes work ( i know it does)..but can you really make a person "deep thinking" when they are innately not?
Is this what happened to you?
ST
There is an old saying "STILL WATERS RUN DEEP", You never really know what is going on in a persons mind there are people that never or rarely show you what there really thinking or feeling, know one ever really knows another person totally.
And yes People change I know I did, it was not over night but it happened.
Is it possible that your Affair is one of vanity/pride ??
I knew a young couple a couple of decades ago that were like you and your husband in that they had a relationship starting when they were 14 years old in there mid \late twenties he had an affair they broke up, it just about destroyed them both it was the worst.
Free
Hiya ST,
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It seems that you're saying you believe your H needs to change in order for *you* to be happy. If we take this perspective a little further, you're essentially telling us that you need someone else to *make* you happy.
Here's just an idea of what it feels like when someone puts that huge burden to *make* them happy on your shoulders:- http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=15210.1&ctx=128
The goal is to be happy *alongside* someone rather than *because* of someone. The former means you can invite someone to join you in your happiness, while the latter sucks the life force outta that someone until they become deeply resentful of you.
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Sounds like a healthy, mature love relationship to me. It's going to be as good or as boring as you both choose to make it. If what my Gran always said is true in that "If you're bored, you are boring!", what are YOU doing to bring excitement to the matrimonial table?
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You can only ever change yourself. You simply cannot change anyone else. Change is something someone has to want to do for themselves. That being the case, what changes do *you* feel you need to make in yourself? What can *you* do in order to appreciate what you *do* have?
Much of this is simply a perspective change, though making that shift is less simple.
Strength & peace,
Posie
Wow. Your words are very meaningful to me. Your point about "being bored" hits it on the nail. we love talking and can talk for hours. But that has created an emotional bond. I feel like I depend on the OM to help me through my troubles, I feel needy...but that I know is supposed to be mh DH's job. If this was a girl who I became close with it would not be cheating, right? Then it goes back to the age old question "Can men and women ever JUST be friends". Can I keep OM in my life? Should I tell my husband that I have developed this connection with another man? and how to explain why I am missing those things from our (me and H) relationship.....wow its great having this bored, when you go to therapy once a week, its good to vent it out with others who've been there. thanks.
Edited 4/14/2005 2:14 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
Glad to hear you're also in therapy. Your therapist will have heard of Shirley Glass. Here's a snippet from one of her books entitled "NOT ‘Just Friends’" by Shirley Glass, PhD:-
"WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?"
Turning back to your post, forgive me if I cut'n'paste, it simply makes it easier to see exactly to what I'm responding.
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If this was a girl, would you be touching & cuddling with her? Yup, justification. Even if it were an internet only deal, it's that you are leeching intimacy from the marriage and paying it out elsewhere. You aren't covering the costs in your marriage and there is already over the course of one month a decided intimacy deficit. It's up to you what you want to do about redressing the balance.
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Sure they can. With my husband's full knowledge I still have both male & female friends even after my affair. I'm simply more aware of where the boundaries lie and there isn't a time my husband wouldn't be 100% welcome to join me in whatever activity I'm doing with my friend(s).
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Do you really need an answer to this, ST? How about if I ask another question instead. Are you happy to involve your husband in your friendship and ensure that your husband is there for every meeting and reads every email every im/em/vm/tm and sees every touch & cuddle between you and OM? If not, then you have your answer.
Another question for you:- What is it about this particular man that helps you to feel good about yourself?
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This is an exceedingly complex question and one best discussed at length with your own therapist. There are pro's and con's for telling & not telling, ST, however, your therapist will have first hand information and he/she will be far more knowledgable about your own situation than anyone here. Run this by your therapist and trust in his/her advice.
Strength & peace,
Posie
Midnight,
How long have you been doing NC? I understand how you feel, I also work with my xMM. I started NC with him a couple weeks ago and it is very hard to stick to when working with them. We used to IM all day long and that is a hard habit to break especially when you are reminded of him every time you see him at work. I try not to look at him and I do pretty good at that, but it is still very hard. So far, there have only been a couple days of complete NC. I know that I am not going to have an A again. But sticking to NC is very difficult. We definately do not have nearly as much as we used to and we don't see each other except in passing at work. So I guess we are in dwindling contact mode right now. Any tips on keeping and sticking to NC would be greatly appreciated!
I feel so mad at myself when I talk to him because I know I am trying to stop the cycle. I still love him though. It's hard.
hugs to you!
Edited 4/14/2005 2:15 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
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