does it really get better anytime soon
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does it really get better anytime soon
| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:09am |
Do you ever find yourself rehashing everything in your mind. Kicking yourself for staying around longer than you should have. I hate that I did that. I was so strong at the beginning and during the middle but toward the end I guess I started to get more dependent on him and wanted to be with him that it showed. I called more than I should have and said things that I regret but it was what I was feeling at the time. He said things to make me hold on but I should have been stronger. If asked the one thing that hurts the most out of all of it would have to be when I called after we were pretty much over and he didn't want to talk to me and said he would call back. Its just strange bc three days earlier when I called to make sure there were no hard feelings he wanted to talk to me and said he was thinking about me all weekend but I wanted to act strong so I didn't say it back and got off the phone with him. I guess I had what was coming to me. I could have been stronger then and not called but I did. He is probably thinking that I want him and was trying to hang on to him. I hate that. I never callled him back and its been almost 5 weeks so I guess thats good. I guess a person can only take so much and that was the third time I said we didn't need to do this anymore and I guess he finally agreed with me. I know that he is the type that likes to be in control and I kept ending things and calling back and we would start talking again but this time he didn't let that happen. I guess if I wwanted to be back with him I should have said something when I called the time before that and he did want to talk. He probably thought that is what I was doing but instead it appeared as the opposite. Oh well, I just had to share. What do you think. As you can see I am having a hard time letting this little phone call go. I do feel like a fool and he probably is loving that. I know I shouldn't care. Its EGO

You are definately not alone. I find myself constantly rehashing everything we ever did and everything we ever said. I broke it off Sat and we talked Sun night. He e mailed me a joke mon so I sent him one back....since then nothing. I also tried to end it a few times before this, over the course of 3.5 years. I totally understand how your feeling. It always seems easier if they are hurting or trying to contact you. The minute I seem to have lost the upper hand I go to sh!t. I can only pray that with time and the support from here that it really will get better soon. For my own sanity I have to believe it!!
I do the SAME THING. I replay phone conversations in my head, I read and reread old emails, I analyze and reanalyze everything! I too was strong in the beginning. When he started to pull away, I got clingy and scared. That only made things worse. I thought I needed to show him how much I cared - guess he needed to see my more independent side. Unfortunatley, I am realizing that there is not much we can do about it at this point. I often wonder, if he did come back - would things be the same? How could they be after all the hurt we have caused each other? Maybe walking away is the only way...blech!
Know that you are not alone in your feelings.
Diva