Does the MM hurt too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Does the MM hurt too?
12
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:51am
Just a question for you ladies and your thoughts-

I'm trying to end an A and nearly there!

During the time I have been seeing the MM I have had the rollercoaster of emotions we all know so well.

My question to you, is, do you think the MM hurts at all when they are not seeing you? I am wondering whether they experience any of the pain we do, the yearning, and wanting to be with them. Or if it is a case of out of sight, out of mind.

I have never admitted to MM how sad and in turmoil I feel when I am not with him, nor have I asked if he even thinks about me when we are not together - somehow that would be weak.

Have any of you ladies ever asked these questions, or have any insight into the mind of a MM when they are not with you.

I would be so greateful for your opinions and views.

Love to you all,

Orchid

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:37am
hi Orchid--

In my experience XMM hurts about the same. Men and women experience emotions differently, of course, but losing a relationship creates a hole in his life also. My XMM and I had ended things a couple times before, and so I know what he was going through during those times (this XMM was pretty open with his feelings -- no unspoken thoughts :-) Since we are NC now however, I can't speak for his feelings now.

The thing I have to keep telling myself is that IT DOESN'T MATTER. The A is over and he is out of my life and soon to be out of my thoughts. That doesn't mean I can erase all the feelings I had, but what he is feeling needs to be irrelevant to me because I need to deal with my own feelings and work on getting him out of my mind. Whether he is hurting or not does not change the fact that I need to be strong and i need to maintain the NC. He will deal with his feelings and he will need to move on. That's just the way it is...

Try to forget about his feelings -- if you are really committed to ending it -- you are doing both of you a favor by not trying to talk about the feelings at the end. Sometimes you never get that kind of closure...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:56am
Morning Orchid..

IMO..yes they hurt also, but what does it matter? You are the one hurting..YOU need to take care of YOU.

They hurt as well, maybe for different reasons and in different ways but yes I believe they hurt also...their hurt should be not be of your concern..YOUR hurt should be! The torment you go through...

Just my .02

Hugs

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:15am
Orchid

Some do some don't, if his wife were to learn about his cheating ways SHE would hurt the same way you would.

There is really only the one option and that is to cut your losses and get out because nothing will get better until you do.

JMHO

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:52am
I wonder about that alot too. I guess when we stop caring if they are hurting or not, we'll be on our way to recovering. Mine gives me mixed messages-he's always asking me if I miss him, but he volunteers very little. I feel like he's the one who moves things in that direction by asking but then he gets mad at me when he thinks I'm being too emotional. I think they do suffer a little but not in the gut-wrenching, heartsick way that we do. I think with men it's more of an ego thing and that they like to have the power in a relationship so when we're not in touch, they feel like they don't have control and it bothers them. JHMO-Toosmart
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 11:25am
Hi Orchid,

Yes I do believe men hurt just like we do, the thing is men tend to hide there emotions better than we do. Remember There are alot of things you need to hide when having an A, specially if both parties are married. Hurting after the breakup is something we all have to hide in different ways. My OM was a very emotional person he did show me what he felt for me and how sad he was it needed to end. I do beleive he hurts. You dont waste 3.5 years with someone for no reason, specially when my A did not end bad. It was a case of it just having to be. Men are not made of steal. When it boils down to it, we are all humans.

Hope this helps...

Take Care

LadyBug

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:06pm
I am sure my exMM is hurting. His W found out about us, and from what I've heard and experienced with her, he's not going to be allowed to forget what he did for a long, long time...

I have no idea if he misses me or not. But as someone already said...IT DOESN'T MATTER. Yes, I hope he does, b/c I miss him still after almost 7 weeks of NC. However, those thoughts don't keep me from moving forward with my life and my future. No matter how good he and I were together, how much we clicked, how much I thought we were in love...it wasn't meant to be. It was wrong. We both need to get on with our lives.

So I guess my advice is the same as everyone else's...its okay to wonder, but don't dwell on his feelings. They are not important any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 6:26pm
My MM every time he contacted me after a long time would tell me how much he hurt, how much pain he was in how I could never understand what he went through. Everytime I thought WHAT ABOUT MY PAIN? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WENT THROUGH FOR YOU? I LOST MY 22 YR MARRIAGE, I ONLY SEE MY KIDS HALF THE TIME, I SOLD MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE AND LIVE IN A SMALL HOUSE NOW. But he bought a big beautiful house and a new car and his W a new car all since he left me. Who has suffered, who has been in pain, and I could never believe how selfish he was to always talk about his pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 6:57pm
Survive

The ugly truth about affairs for most men and a lot of women is that there in it for themself it has little to do with the OP = other person or the spouses, it is about using someone else to satisfy there wants I will not agree that it is needs just selfish and sometime sick wants, real healthy giving love has little to do with it.

Do you still speak with your husband at all ?

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:31pm
I have a lot of male friends and have often quizzed them about their break ups. None of them were married or in affairs but often break ups have similarities. What I found from quizzing my male and female friends are that women seem to go through a dramatic mourning period in the beginning while the men seem to feel less pain initially. On the other hand, it seems that months and often years later men are still missing the ex and romantize her, while we women are way over the guy. Personally, I kind of like that. As far as affairs, I am so deeply grateful that the real pain never occured. I was fortunate enough to get out of an affair before his wife or children found out. The pain that would have occurred had our affair been found out would have been astronomical for his wife, his children, and even he and I. Any pain I am feeling or that he is feeling does not even come close to the pain that could have easily occurred with one slip up. I have felt pain over missing him and the loss of looking forward to seeing him. I imagine he feels a loss and some pain also, but how incredibly fortunate that the pain is only on the two people who caused the situation in the first place. I think of that fact everytime I hurt over him and realize that it could have been so much worse and so much more painful. I will get over my pain and he will get over his, but his wife and children would have never, ever gotten over the pain and thankfully it all stopped before irrepairable pain occured.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:43pm

From my male perspective, I'd say that some MM's do and some MM's don't hurt.


It depends if they are in the affair just as a player looking for a playmate or if they're looking for relief from their own painful marriage and/or boredom.


Me, I hurt. Many times over......


cl-nre

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