Does this sound weird?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Does this sound weird?
6
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:31pm
Sometimes I think I am going crazy. How can a person who is so successful in so many other areas of her life be so wacked??

Recap: It's been two weeks of NC for me. My XMM has not tried to contact me, although I figure it's just a matter of time (the first time we broke up it was his idea and NC lasted about a year. He broke the NC and we got back together. I broke it off three times since then, with him always breaking the NC--within days). Total relationship had been a bit less than 5 years.

I am comfortable and happy with NC--I am working on loving my H and thinking of only him--he is a great guy and gave me no reasons to enter the stupid A in the first place. That is going well. Have gone to counseling and am addressing the reasons that the A started in the first place. As a result of the breakup and NC, I am not as devastated as I thought I would be (or as much as others are on this board -- my heart breaks for you all because i remember those feelings from my first break up with XMM). I think I just got to the point that it was too much work and it wasn't the right thing to do, so it had to be over.

So....I honestly finally feel good about this breakup and know with 100% certainty that I will not go back if he calls, I will not even take his calls if he calls. I am certain that I will never enter into another A -- too much pain and time, etc. etc.

But here's the problem: When do all the stupid little thoughts leave my head?? Things like driving down the street and seeing a car like his and looking to see if it's his. Driving a certain route just in case I pass his car. Thinking about an upcoming party that he will be at and wondering what I should wear. Paying too much attention to the things at work we had in common. All the silly little things that we used to laugh about. How can I be so settled in the notion of NC and still have these obsessive thoughts popping around

It seems so easy to give advice to others on this board, yet at times I can't see through my own fog...

One more crazy thought...do you guys ever wonder if your XMM or XMW is on this board right along with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:45pm
Hi Freefromhim,

I just posted too with some after ending questions of my own. I haven't experienced what you are feeling yet because I haven't actually gone NC, but it is coming next week when XMM is leaving for another job. I would imagine what you are feeling is very normal. When you have had a very intimate relationship with someone, I think it is impossible to wipe the memory banks clean all at once. My thoughts on your question would be that it will get better with time. New experiences and people will come into our lives, not MMs or A's hopefully, but just new friens and new things that will be happening with us.

We are lucky to have our husbands and marriages to focus our attention on, and lots have children and that would definitely focus one's attention I would think.

Bottom line, what you are feeling and your memories are a natural part of withdrawl from the A. I don't truly know, but just my opinion and I guess I will be finding that out pretty soon myself. I will have to give myself this little talk also, I'm sure.

Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing good.

You did make me smile with your suggestion wondering if any XMMs or Xmws are on this board too. Wouldn't that be a trip?

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:48pm
I have been particularly impressed with your posts, your insights, and your strength. If the worst thing you are combatting are things like seeing a car that looks like his and gawking, worried what you would wear at a party he is at, etc. and it has only been two weeks of no contact then I think you are doing great! I would congratulate yourself for what you have accomplished in two short weeks because it is very impressive. I hate to say it but I broke up with a boyfriend seven years ago (not an affair) and if I thought I saw him driving down the street I would definitely look just because I would be curious. I think he dominates my thoughts about an hour in a year and I am way over him but people are curious by nature. Women have a sense of pride. I don't care what former boyfriend it was or how long it had been, I certainly would want to look my best if I were going to be at the same party. Not because I want the person back but because..... I don't know, pride or something. I would do my best to cease driving down roads where you might see him. That seems like an attempt to seek him out. I live a mile from my XMM and I avoid those roads because the one time I accidently did pass him, I was a mess. There was nothing good that came from that. I know the roads he uses, as well as the grocery and video stores he frequents and I stay far away because the sight of him right now would hurt simply because it is too fresh and too new. But I think you are doing outstanding and need to concentrate on all the daily victories you have achieved. You done good, girl! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:54pm
Hi again Freefromhim,

That was funny. You were replying to my post at about the same time I was to yours.

Thanks for you thoughts on mine. I have seriously thought about some personal counseling.

Thanks again.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:56pm
OMG YES! I was just thinking that HE is reading my posts because at one point I told him about this sight! I also wonder if his W is cheating and on here (that one I don't believe as much, though).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:13pm
"It seems so easy to give advice to others on this board, yet at times I can't see through my own fog..."

So true! But I think giving out the advice ultimately helps you, because eventually you start to listen to your own advice. I really think that is the biggest way this board helped me... Sure, I learned a lot from other people's advice to me, but I think I learned even MORE from my advice to others -- more about *myself* and what I *really* believe in, anyways.

I would d-i-e if XMM was on this board, and I've often wondered if his wife ever was after her As... But I've never seen any stories that matched, so I think I'm off the hook. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:33pm
Princess: (((New experiences and people will come into our lives, not MMs or A's hopefully, but just new friensd and new things that will be happening with us. We are lucky to have our husbands and marriages to focus our attention on, and lots have children and that would definitely focus one's attention I would think.)))

That is so true – I already find that I am filling my time in other ways. Mostly with this board (LOL) but it beats the alternative! I am glad you are thinking about counseling. In previous posts I have said I am not a big advocate of long-term ongoing counseling, but in the case of an affair, I think all of us need at least a couple sessions to sort everything out. Good luck with it!!


Anxietyfree: Thank for your comments!!! Your words about my posts made my day! As far as the driving down “his” roads, it’s a small city, and I could take another route, but truthfully it doesn’t matter – I will pass by him occasionally and that’s just the way it is. But I often wonder as I am in the vicintity “Will I see him today?” -- I just HATE that!! I am going to do my best to avoid his area, but I am sure that’s when I’ll run into him :- )

Katie: (((But I think giving out the advice ultimately helps you, because eventually you start to listen to your own advice. I really think that is the biggest way this board helped me... Sure, I learned a lot from other people's advice to me, but I think I learned even MORE from my advice to others)))

I totally agree! It helps me so darn much doling out the advice. It really is easier to give it to others than to objectively look at ourselves. But every day that I come here and every time I give out advice, I feel like I am one step closer to where I need to be. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am to all of you and to this board. I’m glad I found you :-)

And finally about the XOMs being on the board—this made me laugh to think about it, so I put it in my post. But I know for a fact that my XMM has not a spare minute for anything, let alone hanging out here (he goes for days without reading his own emails). I am probably safe. But it’s still a funny thought.

Peace and love to you all!!