doing so good - need help w/ 1 thing

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Registered: 10-06-2004
doing so good - need help w/ 1 thing
3
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:24pm

I dont know if my marriage will survive - although I have been giving more of my time and heart to my H for the past 1 1/2 weeks. I am trying to rekindle my love for him.....as well as get over the issues we had before my A even began.
I am giving it a shot.............and we have been getting along very well, have better communication, but still no IC.

xMM's wife left for Hawaii last Thursday.........He ripped up his ticket a few weeks ago and did not go.
I did leave him a voice mail 2 weeks ago - I told him that his wife and her calling me and wanting to spend time with me was too much, that I prefered that if he was working on his marriage - to do so because she was so sad and lonely. I said if you are truley miserable like you said the last time we spoke, then get off the fence and file so that you can both move on and find the happiness you both deserve in life.........and that I dont want a friendship with her. I said I think she "knows for sure that we had an A" and is trying to throw me off - she asked too many questions that I wont answer.

Of course he never returned my call. And she came home last night.
This was the kicker........this NC action from him and he being alone - could call or visit with me anytime finally killed the last of my thoughts of "us" in the back of my head.

regardless of his "misery" and sadness with her - he did not really care about me.
This is hard to take since we had been close friends for almost 9 years now.
I am having a hard time thinking I was nothing -
Thats the part that hurts.




Edited 2/1/2005 4:30 pm ET ET by annakarena
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Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 5:03pm

Dear Karena:

You are never going to understand him. I try and try to understand my xMM's choices given the *words* he has said to me but I never will. You are not him. He is different than you and you will never understand the choices he has made except that he is scared. That is the main reason he is doing what he is doing. It is easier, safer, it is known.

In some deep way he doesn't care in the way you do because if he did, NOTHING would stand in his way to be with you. In my case xMM now knows that I am dating someone else and after 15 m of having more 'time' to decide whether to leave his M he is going to let some other man take his place. Despite how much he says he loves me and only me completely, totally, with all his heart and has never loved anyone before me and has never had anyone truly love him before the way I do. So--maybe it is true that he feels this *love* but without strength to take action for it I don't find it anything like the love I have for him. I guess that is all he is capable of. Your xMM also.

I now believe if we were meant to be together we would be. It shouldn't be this hard. If he is still where he is what choice do I have. It is out of my hands. It is out of your hands. There is nothing you can do to *force* what you want.

If it was meant to be it would be. So there must be something else that God has in mind for us. And at least we can go back to being the honorable people that we truly want to be and *trust* in God's plan for us.

Survive

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 5:35pm

I completely agree with what Survive said. Sure, in MM's mind he probably did (and still does) care. Probably was the best "relationship" he ever had, etc., etc. But at the end of the day I don't think the thoughts and feelings mean much more than a hill of beans if the actions don't back it up. Divorce is hard, especially if there are children involved, but it's doable. For me, and my values, living a lie is harder and in the end can be more detrimental to the soul and spirit, but not everyone is like that. Again depends on one's values.

So based on your MM's values, he just feels like he must put his W first. Or maybe he feels he's making a huge sacrifice by passing up the person he truly cares about in order to appease his W. Maybe he's scared of the financial loss. Could be anything, but "love" probably is not the issue with him.

Since you're working on your marriage, it would be best for your relationship with your H if you just...I can't say don't "feel". I've been advised to do that myself and I couldn't. All I could do was just push myself into the "present moment" and do my best not to dwell on MM. It's taken me a very a long time to get to where I am in regards to my feelings, and I still get stuck daydreaming and replaying dialogue between XMM and I, but it's been so long since we parted. Years since I"ve seen him or talked with him.

Plus I ended up divorcing my H over this. Not directly because of this (didn't get caught or anything), just could not keep up any facade with H. So being single has sort of left a void in which I just dwell sometimes. So maybe since you are working it out with your H, you can just project the "love" feelings you had for MM to your H. I guess that's what I was trying to say. I didn't have anyone to project to, so I basically had to keep the feelings I had inside and just ride it out till they naturally disappated. The main thing that helped fizz the feelings out is the realization that in the end XMM was not what I thought he was. He wasn't. If he was, he would not have resorted to cheating on his W in the beginning. He would have had the strength and character and courage to end his marriage before he resorted to cheating. If he were what I thought he was, he also would have stepped up to the plate and done what he had to do in order for he and I to legitmately be together. He would have had the courage and strength to allow me to be a full participant in his life, his real life, not some back alley broad waiting for sloppy seconds.

So again, I agree with Survive on this...apparently XMM is just not the "one", perhaps there is a better plan ahead for all of us.

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Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 7:01pm

Thank you both!!

I know that xMM cared - cares for me very much....but he said it himself right before Christmas -
He is scared to see me - talk to me - he misses me....but he is just scared. He wanted to be with me but he has to deal with his marriage.

And, I cant exhaust my heart any longer.
xMM is one of my H's best friends. I am friends with xMM's W. We lived together in secret for almost 4 months........we played house when we already had homes and rocky marriages that we needed to deal with.

We broke the rules - felt alot of emotion for eachother. But reality - came in constant phone calls and from his W and showing up unanounced at our rented house. I had to hide in the attic on a few occations for 2 hours.
So much drama. It was horrible, but he said we endured all this circumstance to hold eachother while falling asleep each night.......He went so far out of his way to be with me........and at the same time, it was wearing on him....all the guilt each Sunday that he spent with my H at home football games.
Looking back on it - how in the world could a decent man eat sleep and live with his best friends wife and then spend every Sunday with him having fun?
What kind of woman am I?

I feel terrible that he is unhappy. I feel terrible that his W is so unhappy. I really cant wait for her next email or phone call invite for drinks after work so I can tell her that I have so much on my plate right now....that I just cant hear anything about "their marriage" and the unhappiness or subbtle move in the possitive...and back to screaming.
You see, I dont want to know. In the begining, yes, I admit I did. But I dont now.

One of the last things he said to me 3 weeks ago is something that haunts me still - because it means in my head that he never really knew what he was going to do.
He said "I am **@!#@$#@ miserable Karena, but you know me, I dont know what I want".

You are both right - it should not be that hard to decide.
But when faced with my decisions, man oh man, it really is.
I find myself being so hypocritical -
But..........I am learning that my heart is mine. I can not give my heart away again, but I can learn to share it..........I would like to share it with my H....but I am not sure....
I have to give it time.