doing so good - please help me
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| Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:47am |
I have been so good the last week in a half. I thought I was really getting over all this and not getting upset about this anymore. Well, my h and I went to get some old pictures developed yesterday and I was proofing them in the car and guess what I see. I close-up picture of my XMM looking right into the camera. He looked exactly the way he used to look at me in the eyes. He has these piercing blue eyes and they were just staring right there at me. I totally froze. I brought the pictures inside the house and how bad but throughout the day I went to look at it. I hate myself. I couldn't sleep last night bc I was just thinking about him . Everything about him. This morning I woke up and got upset and of course looked at the picture again just crying and cussing at him. All my feelings of rejection came back. I hated myself for not being strong the first time I ended it. I hate the fact that I called the last time and he didn't want to talk to me when three days before he did. How could he just let me walk away and never pick up the phone to call me back. I sounded upset that last time but he obviously didn't care. Iahte him. I am so sick of being upset about this. I took the picture and ripped it up and then I threw it away. I can't have anymore set backs. I am okay right now but still feel all over again why he didn't want to talk to me. Please give me strength and tell me I shouldn't feel this way. If you know my story - please respond

Mere,
In an ironic twist of fate, your post from Friday is right under this post from today.
I had a really bad weekend -- depressed, rejected, blah, blah, blah. I read this post from you and felt much better. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14768.1
Reread your own words. You know it gets better. You have to let go. Ripping up that picture was the right thing to do. I know you miss him. I miss my xMM everyday. Of course we miss them, we love them. You'd miss anyone you love who went away. And just because he walked away and didn't look back is no reason to assume he didn't have feelings for you, right? He, like my xMM, made the choice to move forward and chose the best method for doing so.
But you also know that you're not alone. You have your husband, your friends and family and US! It will get better again. Your own words are proof of that.
Hi there
I lurk more than post but have been following your story.
I know the pain you experienced by your xMM rejecting you. Do you now play over and over in your head him calling you one day and telling you he is sorry for what he did to you. He didn't mean it and he really does care for you BUT...even though he really wants to be with you but due to circumstances, can't. Do you have that final conversation over and over that ends with both of you proclaiming your love to each other to allow for some kind of closure?
Even if you don't go through these things like I did, I know how you feel. The only thing that has helped me is time. And it has been a long time (9 months of NC and only because he rejected me and I wouldn't allow mysef to be rejected again)! I can honestly say that since NC started at the end of Feb (the A ended New Years Day 2004)that it has only been since Sept. that I have started to regain how I used to feel. I think sometimes I needed closure. Who knows now. I have just recently started to let go of everything. More and more I have been thinking of how we WOULDN'T have worked out and how he really wasn't for me. Fortunate for me though, the chances of running in to xMM are EXTREMELY thin. I think I am still not out of the clear though. If I would hear his voice or see him I may start to slip back into those old thoughts.
The only advice I can really offer to you is NC and give it time. I try to use my A as a learning experience for me and how to make changes in my life.
Hey Merehud -
Believe me I feel for you - you know about my setback this weekend. But you have been so strong! I have to assume that every now and then, these setbacks will happen (at least yours was just a picture!). It's learning to deal with them that will eventually get us through the pain.
I started seeing a counselor today. I am hopeful that she will be able to help me figure some things out and help me find a way to get out of this self-destructive mode I have set myself in.
As I said in my email to you earlier today - It AMAZES me when I read how you and others have gone so long with NC!
I know how horrible that rejection feels - I know how much the pain hurts and I know how awful it is to lie awake, stare at the ceiling and cry...all the while hating yourself and missing him. But these are the consequences for what we have done. It sucks, I know, but it's true.
And remember what you told me - just because they put on a tough act, doesn't mean they aren't hurting too...
Diva
Hi mere,
you sound like you're mad at your own mad feelings -- DON'T be! You SHOULD feel this way, it's completely normal, and in fact, you are doing fine!
You've had a setback, and you dealt with it promptly and well: You were upset - but you sound much more furious than sad or depressed - which is such a good sign of your moving on! Well done!!
If something like this happens again, acknowledge those "bad" feelings of yours; let them "air" for a while, they need to be let out and romp around. They come for the reason that you need to work through them. Don't fight them (that just senselessly uses up your energy), live through them: Do sports really hard, exert and tire yourself out over housework etc., let those hate-feelings cruise your body, direct them to your muscles and then GO and hit a punching-bag with them! Watch them fly off your fingertipps and puff away like smoke...
Think of these feelings like a cold or a mild bout of the flu: You're so mad at your nose running, sore throat etc. And right now, you really don't need a cold! But you still got to live on, and you know it's just a minor plague, you don't even need antibiotics. You use some house-cures you know will work well and soon you'll be right again. It's a pest, but unavoidable and terminated, but it will still take the time it needs. Just like setbacks and cave-ins...
They'll get smaller and lesser in quite a short time. Don't get too impatient, give yourself some due credit: You said it yourself, you have been so good the last week... and you will be again. You sound well on your good way.
Wishing you stength and courage (I know you have them!),
M.