Don't Call That Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Don't Call That Man
5
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:27pm
Hi everyone,

Here are some things I read from a book (Don’t call that man by Rhonda Findling) that I wanted to share – these are all excerpts (I may have changed some words.) It is a short book (read it in about 1 hour).

First, give yourself permission to experience the tension and your feelings. Tolerate them until they pass – and they will. Feelings are just temporary. That’s the trick – to feel your feelings, not to act them out. It will take a great deal of self-discipline and work. It’s easier to feel something, give in to your feelings, and act out. Holding in your feelings, experiencing them, and not acting on them is called containing your feelings. You will feel tension in this process. You’ll probably want relief from the tension because you will be uncomfortable. This discomfort will drive you to want to call him because what you want is immediate gratification from the release of the tension. Remember the pain and anguish you may have to go through if he rejects you, or you don’t get the response you want.

Just because you are containing your feelings, you shouldn’t prevent yourself from expressing them to other people (support group, therapist, etc.)

The whole point of resisting the urge to call a man you’ve broken up with to share feelings with is to avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, or humiliated. And even if he does respond to your call positively, you may feel comforted but soon the anguish will return because you are still not together and you will still have to work through your feelings of loss again (doubling your work.)

When there is a loss, you have to feel the pain of the loss. There are 4 stages: mourning, grief, denial, anger, depression and despair. Acceptance is when you begin to pull your life back together again.

The key is NOT to call him even when you feel such powerful feelings. You must use the time to emotionally distance and disconnect from him. If you call him and he doesn’t appreciate what you are going through or rejects or emotionally dismisses you, you will feel a hundred times worse. Instead, share your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist.

Hope this helps you guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:11pm
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This me today!! strating all over agian!! It is a vicious cycle that I keep letting myself live!

Good thread.. thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:06pm
Hi iv:

Thanks for your post. What does the book say about ambivalent men?

fresh

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:23pm
fresh -

Are you looking for something particular?

It talks about why they act that way, dealing with them, and asking why are you with them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:53pm
MM's mother left home when he was very young. He was raised by his father and several different stepmothers. Needless to say, he has issues with women. I'm just trying to understand and get a better grasp as to how to handle him.

fresh


Edited 10/1/2004 5:20 pm ET ET by fresh_catch

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:26pm
I LOVE this book. Also the Commitment Cure is a great one if you're in a legitimate relationship with an ambiguous man with possibilities - which I am or was anyway. My ambiguous man with possibilities is now my great boyfriend. It also helps you sort out whether the guy is worth keeping your mind/heart open to or just worth getting away from.

In any relationship, whether you're protecting yourself from a bad relationship with an MM or with an ambiguous man, don't call -- LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE is always the best advice.