don't cheat the board
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| Sun, 07-18-2010 - 11:48am |
I want to ask that everyone who posts on this board be a committed ender. Notice, I didn't say 'perfect' ender. A lot of us have wobbles and such - and that is not what I'm talking about - I'm talking about people who are actively in a A should NOT be posting here. Not posting advice to others, not getting advice from Enders... not posting _here_. Imho, there is an ender mindset and an A having mindset, and it's the height of hubris for a currently active A-haver to think that they are able to switch their fog-rattled A-attitude off and on and post here to 'guide and support' the women and men who are doing the right thing and fighting for all they are worth to heal and better themselves. Moreover, these newbie enders and fragile and struggling and they deserve to be here and the _deserve_ to have the best advice -- If you are a current A-haver you are NOT able to provide that and you might actually do some damage. And, as much as I hope that this board is an inspiration and reason to hope for the current-A-haver, that inspiration should be gleaned by respectfully lurking and reading, NOT by directly soliciting advice for the hey of it while you're still in your A and have no intention of ending it. I say this because there are so many true-enders that need the resources and attention of the CL and vets, AND the other struggling tweeners and newbies..... if you're taking from this board and you're not an ender, you are undeservedly stretching the resources (time, emotional investment, energy) from this board that you have not earned, and it's unfair to those here who have. Plus, it's unfair to the people here who will take you into their hearts (and feeling duped when they read your BS (that's bullsh*t) on other boards.)
When you want to end your A, and you're committed to that goal - even if you're scared, don't know how you're going to do it, feel completely adrift - this is the place for you. Thank you all who respect this board, its mission and its body. My life was saved here and I am protective so forgive me if this sounded more like a rant than a plea.
Dee

Dee, if you know of a poster who is still in their A and posting here, then call them out on it. Not everyone reads all of the current posts, so if you are a daily reader, and/or know for a fact that someone is still in their A, then by all means tell them their post belongs on another board.
I try to spot them, and when I do I will say something, but with the traffic that goes through here on a busy day, it is very difficult to keep up.
I appreciate your post, but it will be gone off this page in a day or two unless you want to keep bumping it up. ;-)
~Iddy~
Dee,
I think your post actually brings up an interesting idea. what is the "ender mindset" versus the "A-having mindset?"
in my mind, the A-haver is very much in the moment, not being honest with her(him)self about the potential consequences, and really living in fantasy. even if you're not in love with your AP or dont fantasize about running away with them, you ARE living in a fantasy to think you can continue doing whatever you're doing. i think in the midst of an A, you naively believe you can keep it all going: the lies, the manipulation, the juggling of multiple relationships, the putting up with playing 2nd fiddle, the sly trysts, the shadiness, the ugliness, etc...somehow you think you can keep it going, but the fact is, YOU CANT. it takes a serious and deep toll.
to me, the ender finally admits this. and although the ender (like myself) struggles to maintain NC, the ender has acknowledged
1)A's are not real relationships, and they never will be. if the 2 of you were perfectly single and available, the dynamic wouldn't be the same.
2)As are severely damaging to everybody involved. you, the other person, spouses, friends, everybody who you're lying to, especially yourself
3)continuing the A is just prolonging the inevitable--it will always end badly. either in D-day, or hearbreak, or both. hollywood fantasies dont materialize into reality.
these are just my ideas off the top of my head, based on my experience. what do you guys thinhk are the differences in mindset?
Agree totally existentialist with your list.
Dee - thank you for writing what I have been feeling & thinking, but wasn't articulate enough to write it out as you have. I read over on other boards and I fight every urge in me to post - because I know it isn't fair, that indeed, we are in different mindsets & stages of denial (btdt).
It also seems lately that there has been overlap between some of the posters posting their 'story' in both places to get advice & support. I think that is unfair to both communities if that is an on-going practice.
"This board is a support community for members who are ending an extramarital affair (EMA)"
Tu.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Dee,
<>
I didn't want to end my affair almost two months ago, but my xMM's W found out, that forced a 2nd DDay for him. The 2nd time it ENDED BADLY, much worse than before. Because of that, I found this board and I decided to stick to it this time, and not go through round three of the A. I was scared, no, more like panicked to have the A end, to go on without xMM, but more terrified my RL would really be messed up.
I didn't know how I was going to do it, and made some immature mistakes, but since I made the decision to stop the addiction AND with the help of this board, I'm still in NC just passing the six week mark!
Thanks Dee for the post. Yes, the board is for enders and all of us struggle from time to time, but we are committed to ending the A.
MovingON
Hi existentialist82,
<<1)A's are not real relationships, and they never will be. if the 2 of you were perfectly single and available, the dynamic wouldn't be the same.>>
1. You are right, A's are not real. I am M, and so is xMM. It started as an affair and ended the same way too, hard to have a real relationship grow when there is no room to do so.
<<2)As are severely damaging to everybody involved. you, the other person, spouses, friends, everybody who you're lying to, especially yourself>>
2. Yes, A's are damaging and I'm discovering how much each day. I lied to my spouse, my friends, and most of all myself because I was too afraid to face my own life and my issues.
<<3)continuing the A is just prolonging the inevitable--it will always end badly. either in D-day, or hearbreak, or both. hollywood fantasies dont materialize into reality.>>
3. A ended badly first time with xMM's W finding out, and ended WORSE the 2nd time with xMM's W finding out AGAIN. It ended in heartbreak for me and took me to a dark place I don't ever want to visit again.
I totally agree with you about the two different mind sets. When I was in the middle of the A I thought I could always continue in the fantasy life and no one would find out again. My closest friends say I was a different person, not as confident and that my xMM dictated my life. I put my H, my kids and my friends always second to my xMM. And my needs were never as important as xMM. I degraded myself in the A. Deep down in my subconscious I knew these things, but didn't know how to break the addiction.
Now, that I'm out of the A, the fog is lifting more each day, I see how badly I treated everyone including myself. My self confidence was at an all time low, despite the highs I was getting from the A.
MovingON
I think we're getting a little off Dee's original topic - I agree we are in different mindsets during an A and ending an A - but Dee's point is to be honest while we are here. I also feel like my life is being saved by a handful of people I've never met, and I don't know what I would do without this board right now. We all struggle, some days more than others. For me, sometimes I feel like I can handle anything, other times it's like the world is caving in on me. But the important thing is to be committed to our goal of Ending the insanity while we are here.
Bodhi
Well written. I have seen what you are talking of. For the ones who are still committed to being in the A, MAS is actually the supportive board to be on. The ladies seem nice over there. I also read MAS and I know it wouldn't do much good to say anything.
If anyone seems "harsh" giving advice here, they just don't want to see you beating your head against a wall. We have all BTDT. I have been here since 2006 (keeping tabs) and I can say over and over, A's have NO future. Even the ladies on MAS will warn people wanting to start A's not to. I think this board is the best btw:)
Hey Dee,
Good post!
It reminds me of when I was little and I would go outside then a few minutes later turn around and come back inside only to turn around again and go back out. My mom would say, “In or out make a choice and stick with it! You can’t have it both ways!”
I hope the poster chooses getting out and staying out of the A.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.