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| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 7:57am |
I haven't posted here before - but have been reading the board for a few days now, and have finally summoned up the courage to post, even though I don't know how to structure what I want to say.
I suppose some history??
I have been with my partner for 7 and half years and we have two 'under threes' together.
Our relationship has never been 'right' from the beginning but we've managed to carry on regardless. (I met my current partner while being married, and think it was a 'rebound' or escape situation.)
I have been having an emotional affair for about 5 years that has waxed and waned in intensity depending on our personal lifes. And for approximately 4 years we didn't see each other and contact was via the odd email now and again.
This year has been different. We have seen each other a few times and the Emotional Affair has now reached 'danger level' and I am in danger of crossing that line - and risking everything in the process.
My partner and I have really struggled since the children were born and things reached crisis point a couple of months ago. We have tried very hard to change our relationship and have even started couple counselling. But the last session was dreadful and has put us so far back - that I am struggling to even want to try.(My partner doesn't know that there is even a sniff of anyone else - and that makes me so guilty.) And of course my feelings for my OM isn't helping any. And I KNOW that I should end 'something'. Whether it be the affair or the relationship because I can't carry on like this. But there's a part of me that feels because I have 'loved' him (OM) for so long - that I will forever regret not 'sleeping with' even if it's just once to get it out of my system.
I know - you will all be jumping up and down and tell me to see sense, but please how do I do that??? I don't want to let go, I don't want to hurt my partner, it feels like I have no 'good' options available.
Thanks in advance

We really do stretch outselves so very thinly and wonder why it is we suddenly discover we're at breaking point, don't we?
You don't mention whether OM is married, attached or completely free.
It seems you are approaching a very busy crossroads. One way open is tried and tested, the other is apparently full of promise but never tried nor ever ever tested.
Rather than looking at which man is going to fill or complete you (and no man can, since you are the only one who can fill that void), why not look at what it is you wish for yourself and your life? Where do you picture yourself in one year? Five years? Ten? Remember, this isn't about whomsoever you wind up with, but about whatever it is you wish to accomplish in terms of life goals.
Couple counselling is tough and ultimately rewarding regardless of whether it results in an amicable split -or- a decision on both sides to make a firm committment towards rebuilding. It's even tougher when you have a secret relationship which very effectively clouds whatever it is you might want within your "real" relationship. It also means your partner doesn't have the full array of cards on the table with which to make an informed decision. Without honesty, how far do you expect to get in terms of counselling?
Realistically, what mere mortal man whose underwear we've picked up off the bedroom floor and for whom we have less than rivetting discussions about the rent/mortgage & balancing the bills can compete with a fantasy man who has never even so much as farted in our presence?
You don't mention how well you know OM outside of internet/email communication and a few meetings. If it's primarily an internet relationship, it's very easy to convince someone you are their "soulmate" since you can freely type any old codswallop and don't even need to keep a straight face whilst doing so. This is extreme, however, I actually know a man who keeps info folders on each of his online "soulmates" (all of whom are reassured they are the only one) in order that he doesn't get them mixed up! I kid you not, he pulls the appropriate folder and props it up right by his monitor when IMing with one of his many online paramours purely so he does not get them mixed up. For a face to face meeting, he reviews the folder thoroughly before setting off for the rendez vous point.
It's easy to blame x or y or z in our relationships for the reason we choose to have an EMA, be it emotional, physical or both. In reality, it is something lacking in ourselves that we are seeking to address, some void we are trying to fill that only we can fill for ourselves. Putting the responsibility for our happiness on someone elses' shoulders is an enormous burden and is doomed to certain failure. Often when it does fail, we seek another partner to begin the same process over & over until we finally learn the lesson that it's only us who can fill that void. Never addressing that void often means we're forever on & off this very same rollercoaster you find yourself on now.
Some 10mos on from the end of my own EMA (and after some very good individual counselling), I know that there is a huge difference in the heady short-term highs experienced with my exOM and the slow, steady and rather gentle peaks & troughs of my relationship with my husband. Having discovered that love that is just "there" (rather than having to jump through hoops for it) is priceless. I wouldn't go back to the madness of my EMA even if you paid me big and I do mean BIG bucks.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Thank you for your thorough response. You have certainly touched on a lot of the issues that I am facing, and your post was sensitive yet sensible - I appreciate that - Thank you.
You are quite right in that regardless of whether me and my partner survive this I have to look at myself and what it is that I am missing. I am on the waiting list for individual counselling - but I don't know how long it will be before that starts. I originally wanted to get some perspective on what I want from my relationship - but I think I need to be looking at getting some help on working on me.
My OM - is not married or attached, so I guess that is one less complication. I met him at my previous job and so had 'real-life' contact until my job change meant our contact was via email and text primarily. He is a lot younger than I am - and I know that he wouldn't be in a position to step into my partner's shoes. So that fact has enabled me to be 'less hasty' and not jump in feet first. (You're right - I am looking for the 'next one' to be IT! And I know that I have imagined that my OM - is or can be it. And it's just plain fantasy.)
What gave me the 'third force' to post today was I had woken this morning with the realization that I had three options. Finish the EA, Start a Physical Affair, End my relationship. I contacted OM - to say I needed to discuss something seriously - and what do you know - I haven't heard from him!
So rationally I do know what I need to do. Concentrate on myself and my partner, wherever that leads to - and stop thinking of OM as the sticking plaster. I have to now find the strength and wish to walk away. (But like a lot of the other posters have said - the addiction is so strong. It's like my bit of happiness in an otherwise life of drudgery.)
Posie can I ask - did you tell your DH about your EMA or have you managed to get to where you are without telling him? Part of me already wants to confess - but I know that things would spiral out of control if I did that right now.
Sorry - feel like I'm rambling now.
Hi Unobtainable,
I could have written that line myself. In fact, after 4 years of friendship and several weeks of intense email flirting and his pursuit of me, I decided to kiss my xOM just one time. "To get it out of my system." I'd built him up SO much in my head and had those crazy endorphins swimming around my body from the attention and the "connection," that I thought I had no choice. I just HAD to experience ONE little kiss from him. I met him, we had an amazing, passionate kiss. Here I am almost 6 months later IN HELL because one kiss is NEVER one kiss, and one night with him would never be one night. I "felt" the passion and connection in that kiss, and for months have been trying to get my "friend" back. Things change. Our "connection" became him only contacting me when it would lead to something physical. We no longer have our long talks or any "connection" other than a physical one. The physical stuff was great, but the emotional pain I suffered constantly overshadowed that. Up until a few weeks ago, we had talked about how we HAD to experience sex together. Just once! "To get it our of my system!" We hadn't yet, and it had been building up for months. I felt like you do- that I would regret not sleeping with him. I could only imagine the passion we'd have together! You know what? 8 days ago today, I came DANGEROUSLY close to sleeping with him. My judgement was way off, and we could not have come any closer. I've never felt more sick about anything in my entire life. I thought I'd hit rock bottom before, but NO! Last week was the pits. I felt so guilty and disgusted. Not to mention cheap and used! Even after I had ended things before, I looked back on our encounters and smiled. He was so passionate and we were great together physically. NOT ANYMORE! The thought actually sickens me. I see it for what is was...ugly and dirty. Not to mention dangerous! I know it may seem like a good idea now. You're in the middle of an addiction and have all of those feel-good chemicals around. But please trust me!!! You WILL regret it! No matter what is going on with your husband, it isn't a good idea! You will pay the price, and that price will be your self-repect and emotional well-being. I promise- I am now going through it myself.
We're here for you! Please keep us posted!
Lily
Do the next right thing. You'll be way better off and feel better about yourself.
Good luck!
<<>>
Sure, you can ask. I separated from DH in order to have my EMA - neither of us knew that separation would be four years in duration. It was up front, all cards were on the table. We freed each other to chase our own rainbows and work out what the he77 we wanted out of life. No one was more surprised than we were when we figured out that our rainbows actually ended at each others' doorstep.
Relationships *can* survive affairs, emotional or physical or both. I have a 22mos old daughter fathered by exOM and who my DH considers his daughter, too, by virtue of the fact that any man can produce a child but it takes someone special to be a daddy. We've survived that. What relationships can very seldom survive is lack of honesty.
As far as things sprialling out of control, well, things are already out of control, hon. Relationship counselling sessions are ideal for dropping this kind of emotional bombshell since it's neutral ground and you have the guidance of someone trained for just this kind of thing right there beside you both.
We're here when you need us, hon.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie