Don't get mad at me for this question

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Don't get mad at me for this question
7
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:53am
I'm sure I might get yelled at for even thinkning this, but it's a thought that has crossed my mind. I see everyone giving advice to people trying to re-build and the advice is that their M will not work if OM is still in the picture. SO, my thought is, (please don't bash me)what if I decide not to get out of my MM's life while he is claiming to try to make things work? I know he wants me to be in his life. And as selfish as it sounds, I don't want his marriage to work. And he's told me that he doesn't really either. Maybe if I just hang around.......(don't tell me noone else hasn't thought this either.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:00am
Hey, fair question... Here's what I would say. If you don't want to do it for the sake of HIS marriage, which I can understand, do it for yourself. Why should you settle for being his leftovers??? You deserve to be someone's whole world. As long as he knows he can have it both ways, he is most likely not going to end his marriage to be with you...

That's the short answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:10am
Pal,

You know we all have, I still have those thoughts everyday. I am single an dont have a SO to consider an with his W well, and yes I will probably get bashed too, but I am going to say it. I have known them both for 4 years an she doesnt deserve him, she has cheated on him all along ( no 2 wrongs dont make a right ) he even had pictures of her in bed with her other man ,an talks to him horribly, an I do think if they didnt have a young child he wouldnt have went back ( but he did). I wanted to stay, promised I'd wait for him to decide, he felt like he needed to at least try, I understood that. And I have tried every reason in the world to say its ok to put my life on hold for him an wait. Cold hard fact of it tho, it hurt to much ,not being able to see him when I wanted. Now mine is a bit different we went from the sexaul kind of relationship to an emotional affair after he went back we have not had physical contact, and only seen one another 4 times in that 2 months but we spoke on the phone at least 5 times a day if not more, I have tried Pal ever reason to want to stay an hold on *FOR FRIENDSHIP* sake , he has told her of me an has told her he'd never treat me bad nor would he ignore me an such because I didnt deserve it. ( we have common friends too ). But I cant put away my feelings of wanting more for now anyways. So all I can say is I understand fully your thoughts, but cant tell you its ok.. Just that if it hurts you everyday is it worth it ? ( trust me Mine has said his marriage wont work either)..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:18am
Pal

By being in the picture your enabling him to not to have to choose he can go on sitting on the fence foryears to come, giveing you just enough to keep you waiting but never ever commiting to you, do you want to give up years of your life and maybe end up with nothing or no one.

I think your better of forcing his hand one way or the other you either get him or get to move on and find someone who wants you and you alone.

bash bash bash

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:35am
Hiya Pal,

From "Words of Hope" by ~Anon~

"To yield to someone's wish to end a relationship is an act of respect. To want the best for someone, even when it means enduring our own loss, is an act of love."

Honestly grieving the loss of someone is a sign that I am already beginning to heal."

My take on this is that when you truly love someone, then if what *they* want is something other than what *we* want, we give up what *we* want. Or re-negotiate. Anything else is self-serving rather than selfless.

<<>>

How long are you willing to hang around, Pal?

What if you wait, say, 1yr, 2yrs or 5yrs and whatever you have right this moment is the very best it ever gets?

If his marriage is so bad, why would you continue to always be there to take up the slack thereby making his marriage a much more comfortable place than it would be otherwise?

How can he miss you if you are always there & always available?

How can he value you if you do not value yourself?

Why should he give you anything more when your actions tell him plainly that you are happy to accept less from him than a future where both of you are free to be with one another?

Just some of my thoughts of the subject.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:41am
Hey Pal. When I was like 13 years old I had this poster hanging in my room that said "if you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't then it never was." Corny, I know. I've only recently come to understand what it really means.

If you really love this guy, you no doubt want the best for him and you'll let him go do what he needs to do. Check out your motivation. If you try and corner him into staying with the plan to ruin his attempt to rebuild his marriage, you're probably doing that with your own self-interest in mind. Therapy tip for you - think about why you need to clutch on to him, even when it may not be in everyone's best interest, including yours.

Just my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:20am

In my opinion if you choose to remain in his life while he is trying to rebuild with his wife, your intention is to bust up the marriage because you want him.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:03pm
Ok, ok,

I knew I would hear it. I'm not actually planning to do this! I'm just saying that it was a thought that I had, along with all the other crazy thoughts a sad grieving person does to figure out how to get happy again. I know it would be wrong, and I truly don't want to be in an A with him. I know I deserve better!!! Thanks for making me see clearly once again!!