Don't have an affair until you read this

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Don't have an affair until you read this
12
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 6:46pm
This is a true story of my affair with my "soul mate." But I'm going to boil it all down as short as possible. Please read this! Today, I am sitting here alone, divorced from the husband I cheated on, as a single Mom. I spent ten years of my life with this "soul mate." Every time I wanted to end it he begged me to stay. Told me I am the love of his life. Cried and cried. He was married too, but eventually his wife left him because of our affair. He was devastated. He wanted to kill himself. He felt such guilt and his children hated him. He started sleeping with every woman he could. He lied to me, cheated on me (what a surprise!) and yet continued to beg me to stay with him, to help him through the guilt and pain and confusion. I did. And then my husband left me. My "soul mate" assured me he would take care of me, love me forever and never hurt me again. But guess what, after two more years of his "hurt and confusion" he bailed on me again. He's back with his ex. Says he will always love me, but can't take the guilt. I have been used and abused. The worst part is I have no one to blame but myself. Now I am alone, my children are without their father, and my "soul mate" is romancing his ex to prove his adoration. Please, please respect yourself enough to walk away! I know it's true love, and he's your soul mate, but life is not that simple. I gave up so many things because I believed in his lies. I made decisions based on him and now he is gone. So many times I have just wanted to die. I am alone and depressed. But believe me, if ever there were two people on this earth who were "soul mates" he and I were. PLEASE BELIEVE IT WHEN YOU ARE TOLD "DON'T DO IT!!!!!!"

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 8:21pm

If you have family and friends, you are not alone. And whether or not you do, you still have God. You are not alone. Not just nice words. Reality.

If you are truly depressed AND suicidal (you can be depressed without being suicidal but not vice versa), you need to see a doctor and a therapist, if you haven't already. Do it now, and then let us know how you are doing, because we care.

I did something similar to my soulmate in my first marriage. We were together nine years, and when I finally left my husband, I dumped my XOM also. I needed out from everything. My XOM married another woman within a year. They are not happy, although they are staying together for good (?) reasons. I wasn't real proud of myself, but I don't regret leaving my XH or XOM. I KNEW I had to take care of myself because no one else was going to.

You're right: Life is not simple. These affairs are not 'things' to indulge in. We voluntarily get into them -- and then wonder why we wind up crying in the end.

Thank you for your post. It's very powerful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 10:31pm

Unfortunately....I don't think that anyone comes to this website when they're thinking about having an affair. Everyone here has already been crushed in some way by an affair. Even if I would have known of this website before my affair...I would never have thought that I would one day be at the lowest low of my life, feeling emotionally destroyed, utterly unwanted and worthless, depressed with no visible end in sight and posting on this board.

I'm sorry for all of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 3:42pm

Dare I suggest that powerful post be put up on the MAS board? (wouldnt mind seeing the responses or the silent jaw slacked lack-there-of) I would think it could be helpful to at least one person.

I am such a wuss about suggesting it (dont want to be responsible!!!! LOL)
Story of my life ...avoiding responsibility when I can potentially hurt people (some might get mad or something) dont like hurting people..usually not my style at all...except this one time...when I met this married man...I threw caution to the wind at a really tough lonely time in my life and I loved this chemistry and his flirting and his attention and I slept with someone's (!) husband...

oh nevermind...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 3:47pm
I meant to add:
Thank you for posting your story. It was very powerful and unselfish for you to do so. I was affected and I think many will be as well. I wish you peace and growth and some light when you get to the reason for all of the pain. (Find a reason that is positive, I find that helps to know something about myself positively affirming...to get me through). Your story is quite more involved than mine. I cannot compare. Find yourself and what is in you to love. Do not destroy that greatness.
::hugs::
Lizzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 12:53pm

Thank you so much for your honest post. You have no idea how much it has helped me. I have been in an affair for about 7 months but been trying to get out the last couple of months without much success as OM keeps telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But after spending time on this board, I have been slowly been able to look at this affair from another perspective and see the potential damage I can cause. I have been fortunate that my H doesn't know.

I finally said goodbye for the last time in an email yesterday. It's only been 24 hours so it's been so tough so I am spending as much time on this board as possible to try to stay strong and tell myself I did the right thing. Reading your post really helped me realize that I do not want to hurt my husband and lose him. Sometimes I take for granted how wonderful he is to me. He never complains...he only wants to make me happy.

I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you in the end. Thank you again for sharing your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 3:26pm
Thanks for this insightful and honest post. This illustrates perfectly why I spend a lot of time lurking on this board - I often need a reality check of the sort, a wake-up call. I'm still stuck in my A and often wonder what will happen in the future. Reading this encourages me to work on my M more than ever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:03pm

Wow, what a powerful post! It really hit home for me. I thank you for sharing it.

My OM was somebody that I dated twenty-five years ago, first love. Needless to say, we have a deep connection and always will. Your post truly has helped me to not want to ruin my M over this. It is such an example of leaving a M for your own reasons and not for another man. That is what advice I am always getting.

I wish you peace and happiness in the future. Just remember, you will get through this.

((HUGS))

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:08pm

Very gentle hugs to you, honey. You've suffered enough for one lifetime and thanks for sharing that misery in the hope that it will reach just one person and spare them from what we've been thru and are still going thru.

Well, I know its easy to say you have to take responsibility, accept consequences, etc., but darned it all when we're in the throes of the A we're just not thinking right! Since ending my A and really working on my M, sometimes I just scratch my head and wonder what the h#ll I was thinking!!!!! My H has it head and shoulders over my OMM and for some reason I just couldn't see it for about 2 years. And that's the reality of being in an A - we don't see things clearly.

I wish you the very best, honey. And if you continue to feel so alone and desperate, I do encourage you to get professional help or pray. As a previous poster said, you're never alone when you got God. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:12pm
Hey Lizzie, my office is not at all busy today so I'm basically just stayin to put in some "face" time, as it were, or in case a client calls, so I've been lurking all over the cyberworld. If you've been on the MAS board recently, it might as well be the Ending an A board. I posted over there during my A, then moved over here when I ended it. Doesn't seem that many folks are happy in their As, even when they're still trying to be. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 2:16pm
I never thought that I would be replying on a message board, especially one about ending an affair. I cried when I read your post. My "soul mate" and I have known each other for over 20 years. We have been in touch with each other off and on thru out the years. Things happened in both of our lives and we got together. We could talk to each other about anything and everything, stuff I couldn't even talk with my H about. I thought we were going to be together. I felt like I could finally dream of my future and be happy. That quickly changed, he told me he wanted to work things out with his W. Part of me wants to think that we may still be together someday, but I know that will not help my healing process. It's been about 3 months now since we had any contact but it's still very hard for me every single day. I still love him, I want him to be happy (I know he isn't happy with his W, he's feeling guilty). I think of him constantly and wish I could stop that. The time we had together was beautiful and I guess I should just be glad that we had that time. But it hurts so bad.
I was also relieved to read this post. I thought I was the only one who felt this way and going through this pain. I have been feeling like I need closure from him, yet if I contact him again it will bring up even more powerful feelings and be harder to "end". I am seeing a therapist to help but I guess it just needs lots of time for me to heal.
I will continue to check this post, I think it will really help me.

Pages