don't kick me out.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
don't kick me out.....
8
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:44pm


Lily said <>

I have been thinking the same thing too!

BUT....today I feel like I'd be booted out! I screwed up - would have done more but was having my period!! He knows how to make me feel like a million bucks and like the most desirable person - something I haven't felt like for a long time until I met him. I totally feel like I would have been kicked out of "the club"!

Can you believe that I actually thought of my posts and whether I could keep coming to this board - WHILE I was kissing him and going right back to where I shouldn't? I was already to into the moment to turn back.

Can't believe I admitted that! I'm kissing my MM and thinking of this board - True and Lily and everyone and how strong you are and how I ashamed I am to "show my face" here now!

Everyone here sounds so strong - even when you all say you are struggling - you ARE struggling yet still doing what is right for you.

Am I the only one who knows what to think and say and can get so mad and hurt - but slips up with more than just contacting him??? He initiated - and I just melted.

Can I still come over and have some wine? Maybe everyone elses strength will rub off!

I wish I could explain my whole story but I can't right now - if my H found this board and read anything he would be able to identify me so easily by my story.

I will keep coming back here and trying every day. But something inside is resistant.

Thanks for listening!

I'll keep reading and hope it rubs off more.

love to all of you! Thanks for being there!

Lazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:02pm
Lazy

We don't kick people out OKAY.

We do on the other hand hand out some real serious BI*CH SLAPS so stick you chin out and take your medicine SLAP SLAP SLAP, there that should help with the guilt.

Now you need to look inside and find out WAY YOU ARE RESISTENT, what is going on in there, YOU NEED TO DEFINE A PROBLEM BEFORE YOU CAN FIX IT, so get to work.

Oh and thank God for periods, in this case anyway.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:04pm
Oh, Honey....

I know it's tough. All my big talk feels great, but I know it would be hard to resist if OM pursued again. I KNOW BECAUSE WEEK BEFORE LAST, I CAVED! Email small talk, talking out things he did that hurt me, a work function and a few beers later and we were making out like bandits. Oh, AND I probably would have done more with him but I was also on my period. :( I got whiny when he didn't talk to me much later, he got annoyed and ended things, I said fine, next thing I know we're making plans again and my stomach is in knots! Well, I finally had a break-thru/down and decided to end it. He never contacted me, never followed up on our plans and here I am anyway. It sucks to feel out of control, but I keep telling myself that the end result is the same. I'm done. But ya know, if he ever does come sniffing around I'll be posting to you guys like crazy for strength. You do NOT deserve to be kicked out, YOU DESERVE A HUG!! BUT, Lazy, you've got to recommit. We'll do it together. I broke down, you broke down, but we're learning. BE STRONG and don't contact him. Do this for yourself- you're sanity and peace are more important than a lust encounter with someone who doesn't appreciate you for WHO you ARE!!!

Feel free to email when you get week.

Hugs,

Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:09pm
LAZY!!!! 30 lashes with a wet noodle!!!!

Honey, we are not here to judge you. We are here to help you. So you fell off of the wagon. If that's where you need to be right now, we promise NOT to move on down the road without you. We can wait.

I hope you will be able to figure out a way to tell us your story. But in the meantime just know that we are here for you whenever needed. It's when you STOP posting that we will be nervous and concerned. We don't want to lose you. YOU are still in the Club!

ONLY, next meeting you are responsible for clean up ;)

So many here are still struggling. You will know when you have had enough.

Hugs,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:29pm

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Edited 2/16/2005 4:22 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:32pm
Thanks you guys - for the slaps, noodle and understanding (but not permission!!)

I will keep coming here no matter what.

I will however not be able to visit as much - my husband just got back from a business trip and the whole time he was gone I was here very often! I will have to come here less - but still daily! I need it! I was checking things a LOT the past few days!!

I will explain my story as best as I can. It will shed some light on why it is hard to stop now when I know exactly when I will have to stop anyway and will definitly have no contact when I'm on the other side of the world. I think I wouldn't have started this thing if it was open ended but I felt safe because it wasn't.

Because I know it will end later and will definitly be final then, part of me doesn't want to deal with it yet.

We are in Europe for a while but we will be moving back to the US. Big reason why I took this risk in the first place, big reason why I keep thinking that I'll deal with the end of this A later when I HAVE to and not yet. BUT....I'd rather be in control of the end...

This is so hard. In a small city of thousands there are not a lot of fluent English speakers and of those English speakers and just because someone speaks English doesn't mean we will be good friends. I clicked with this guy - laughed and joked - which is hard to do in a foreign language! I do have a couple of girlfriends that are great, but in the US I had friends because I genuinely liked them, not just because we could speak the same language! I do however have an awesome girlfriend who I will always be close to - but only ONE here. BUT....I do know deep inside that in this city there ARE people I can get to know better that won't be detrimental to my marriage! I have to admit I haven't been trying hard enough.

About the language - I can make friends with people in this country and I have - but my command of this language will never be good enough to have real conversations and tell stories and understand jokes. I get by and study - but the communicating thoughts is hard in a different language!

With OM I can be just ME ...someone he finds sexy and desirable and interesting (not someone to share parenting, bills, the bathroom and housework with!!). I blame this on a midlife crisis (a bit early at almost 40 though!) and being homesick. BUT...we all have reasons and excuses for going here. Plus I "click" with him. We get along very well and find eachother attractive. I feel so frumpy and NOT sexy sometimes but he has changed that. He openly admires me and compliments me and since I've known him I've focused on my positive features and not my negative ones. I just have eaten up the attention from him! He makes me feel so desirable and tells me how HOT I am!! I do believe him (I will take that away with me!!!) but I also know that he is the kind of man who can and will find something attractive in many women - and I like that about him!

Those are the most important parts to my story - and why this is hard. I could do the hard thing now and break it off or wait until it will happen anyway. I want to get control of it now because the longer this goes on the more likely it is my husband will find out. I do not want to lose him. But at the same time I want the excitement I get with my MM. I also have to say that I don't want to hurt my husband. We have issues that we need to work on and I want to do that.

Eventually MM and I won't have any contact or any chance of even running into eachother. Part of me wants this while I can have it. This man looks at women and appreciates them - and I definitly feel appreciated (when he isn't kissing his wife or ignoring me after sex!!)

- but he has a way of getting me to forget all of that by reminding me of what we both are in this for and I suppose I've been using him too.

SO, those are my excuses for this being hard to stop - I KNOW it will and I know when approximatly - so part of me wants to just cool off but visit "my little island" once in awhile and not call it quits completly until I move. But part of me doesn't want to get caught or heart broken or back off emotionally from my husband.

I am clear on needing to back off - but how far is difficult for me to stick to.

I am totally taking my husband for granted and assuming he won't discover us and wouldn't leave me.

Thanks for listening!

I'll be back tomorrow!

-Lazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:54pm
Lazy,

I share many of the same emotions that you do about your H and OM, and although I'm not in the same situation I completely understand. I also kept wanting to enjoy mine while I could, and kept setting little deadlines in my head for it to end. Although you will definately have a physical separation from OM when you move back, I really do think you need to take the control NOW while you can and start getting over it. I kept thinking, I'll end it when H stops working nights, or when we move into our new place, etc. Guess what, I broke that deadline every time and it made it even harder when I finally came around and realized what was REALLY happening. I know you have an eminent deadline coming up, but why risk your marriage and your own sanity? You don't know how much more this man is going to hurt you in the interim. Not to mention you run the risk of ruining your marriage. The others on this board slapped that reality in my face, and I am very glad they did. My marriage is not perfect and there is a lot we need to work on, especially in the passion department, but like you, I want it to work. And I love my husband- he would die if he knew any of this. I completely understand not wanting to give up the passion and excitement- I'm with ya. And I miss it, but REALLY think about it. It's an addiction, and the highs are always followed by severe lows. Withdrawals, cravings, depression. He disappears after sex. He kisses his wife and jokes with you in the same breath. IT'S NOT WORTH RISKING YOUR MARRIAGE or LOSING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM OVER! I PROMISE YOU! You know he will cause you pain if you continue, and I doubt the excitement will be worth the depression and anxiety that will follow. I really recommend that you take a deep breath, chalk it up to experience, file it away in your memory as a crazy little thing you did when you were overseas, and look inward at your marriage and yourself. It was fun, but your real life awaits. I really hope I don't sound preachy, I am learning every day how difficult this is. I just wanted to give you an objective point of view from somebody who definately understands the emotions and pain involved. Good luck and keep us posted. I'm here if you need me!

Hugs, Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:06am
Thanks again for all of the support and understanding. This will not be an overnight thing for me!

And Lily - thanks for telling me what I needed to hear! That I STILL shouldn't be in this A regardless of where I am right now. I can have all of the reasons and excuses in the world but if my husband were to find out - the pain would be the same.

Thanks for being honest with me!

I AM strong and will work on this. I just saw my totally awesome thereapist who really helped me. I feel so encouraged and not judged. She is very good!

Lazy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:27am

YAY!!!!!


Good for you, Lazy! I am so proud of you! :)


My best friend had to tell me the same thing about my A...that all of my excuses didn't make it right. I love her to death, but this was a direct quote after a couple of margaritas and listening to me whine about the pain of not hearing from OM..."Pain? You want to talk about pain? You won't know the meaning of pain until you H finds out and you lose him forever or spend the rest of your married life trying to make it up when you can't!" Really opened my eyes. It doesn't take away the pain, no, and as I sit here I'm still wondering why I haven't heard from OM. But it does put things in perspective and remind what I really need to be worrying about.


Hope therapy goes well!!!!! You ARE so strong!


Love ya, Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby