Don't know about this "friendship" thing
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Don't know about this "friendship" thing
| Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:53pm |
As you know, I've been in (verbal) contact with xMM and we are trying to do this as friends since we know being together is not an option right now. (well I guess it would be if he would let it.) But for the last week or so we've been doing really well talking about everything in our lives except things between him and me. Feelings and emotions are brought up occasionally but we try not to bring that into our friendship. Well today was my day off and we talked for most of the day. Some things he said tonight were kind of sad. He kept talking to me like if he still plans on leaving his W but won't come right out and tell me he will. He said that he always felt so good with me and really wants to be with me. but then he said when he stopped into his son's cub scout meeting everyone was thinking he's like the model dad, stopping in to give his son a hug, then going back off to work to support his family and then coming home to put his kids to bed before he goes out to play basketball. He said he walked out in tears, knowing what life he really wants (being with me) but knows he wouldn't be able to be that "model dad" at the same time. He says he would feel selfish walking out on his family, but feels like it's his turn to be happy in his life instead of making everyone else happy. He said " I wish my kids were yours instead of hers." That is the most we really talked about our R since we started talking again. I didn't really say much to him about it at all. I just kind of let him talk. It's like he's playing out all these scenarios in his head, only it's to me instead. I kind of liked hearing all he had to say, but I almost feel that, even though we're not "seeing" eachother at all, that we are still kind of in an emotional affair. I know everyone says and thinks this, and maybe I'm naive, but I really don't think he is a cake-eater kind of guy. He's not trying to "get me back" or string me along. I think he is seriously struggling with this. He knows that we can't slip back into affair mode, so I'm kind of worried about the stuff we talked about tonight. It's probably not wise to talk about this stuff when we're trying to just be friends. I guess I'm confused and don't know my boundaries between friends and emotional affair!!

The difference is, would he want his wife to read/hear what he said to you?
Anything you say to each other that would be inappropriate in front of others is inappropriate between friends such as yourselves.
And where I agree he may not be a cake man, and he is likely working these things out in his mind, talking to you about them only sets you up to the possibility of a future that does not exist.
It is an emotional affair. This is the type of affair I had. I'm married, and my xOM
It's very rare that the friendship thing can work out after an A.
It's like a recovering alcoholic trying to go back to being a casual drinker.
If you are having discussions that you could not have in front of his wife -- you can be pretty sure you are still involved in an emotional affair. If you are still doing anything -- talking, lunching, whatever -- "undercover" then yes, it's still an emotional affair.
He is a fence sitter. He may not be TRYING to string you along or keep you hanging, but that is exactly what he is doing.
Katie and Someday,
I see both of your points, it's just so hard to agree with those points when you JUST DON'T WANT TO!! Man this sucks! I so bad want to say, "no, my situation is different. He's not like all those other MM." But how many of us have said that, only to be disappointed later? To answer one of your questions (rather sarcastically, though) I honestly don't think he would care if his W heard us talking. In fact I kind of think he's trying to get caught. He no longer uses MY cell to call me (cuz I made him give it back when we ended things) but he still calls, and we talk literally ALL DAY!! She gets a detailed bill that she checks ( and highlights) every month. She's gonna notice, and I'm sure he realizes that. He used to ask me to "help him figure a way out of this" I know he wants out. But you're right Katie, he's not trying to keep me hanging, but I sure am doing it. I HATE when you guys are right. Just one more question though. When he used to be SO careful to not get caught (the whole phone thing) why would he suddenly WANT to get caught?? Thanks for your anwers and insight guys!!
Ask Daf why she did things that might get her caught, yet now she is fighting for her marriage?
I think it has something to do with bringing things to a resolution. One way or another. It does not necessarily mean he wants that resolution to be divorce. He might want to clear the air and achieve forgiveness. Don't know. Only time will tell.
And BTW, about his wife being nuts. Ummm you might be nuts too if your spouse was having an A. Whether she knows for sure or not, if he is having one, the relationship is effected. He is most certainly not treating her in the manner a wife needs and deserves. And they have a child? You have no idea the impact children have on a relationship until you have one. It's enormous. Try not to judge her unless you have walked in her shoes.
*hugs*
Someday
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Someday,
Who said anything about his W being nuts? I've never said anything bad about her, as she was my friend before all this started. I know she has no idea, I talk to her quite often, and yes, I know the relationship is affected. I have walked in her shoes, 2 young children when my xH had an affair. We're now divorced because of it. Never thought I would be in this situation myself, but I am now and too involved emotionally to NOT have these questions. I'm sorry if something I said was offensive. You sound mad at me.
Pal I'm sorry, I
Someday,
No problem. I think I've come close to doing the same thing before. Even worse, I've almost posted something on the "betrayed" board, and I don't think I'd be very welcome there.
Glad you're not angry though!!!
PAL :)
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IMO, the man lacks the balls to make a decision and stick to it, so he is being reckless in the hopes that someone ELSE will push him off the fence. If he gets caught, it will be his wife's choice to force him to either a.) cut you out of his life for good & work on his marriage, or b.) get a divorce. He's washing his hands of the responsibility and putting it on someone else.
Of course, YOU can have some say in the matter -- you can force him off the fence by deciding not to have any more to do with him until he's got the divorce papers in his hand. You may or may not like his choice, but at least he'll be forced to make one.
Pal,
Someday suggested that you ask me why I did things to get caught, I will try to give you some insight into this. At the time I don't think that I consciously did want to get caught, however unconsciously I believe that the A and everything I had done and the person I had become had taken its toll on me. I think that at the time I didn't know what to do to make things right. I think right before this all blew up I had seriously been thinking about if leaving H (not necessarily for OM) was the right thing to do and was working thru a lot of issues. Before H confronted me that day I had actually already set up an appointment with an IC. I was feeling trapped and confused but I also knew in my heart that H and the kids were my life and that my heart was and always would be with H. I think in these A's you start having all of these different feelings and emotions and you begin to believe the fantasy and reality takes a back seat.
Believe me I never thought that I had left anything hanging around and I thought I always cleaned my trail, but I do also realize that I was sloppy towards the end. I can't say exactly why but both counselors pointed out that I didn't deny anything and spilled everything to H when confronted, most A's do not do this right away when confronted. What Someday said makes perfect sense, you know the A is wrong, it is tearing you apart (even if you don't share these feelings with anyone) but you don't see anyway out. You want to make your M work but you don't think you can go on without being honest to your spouse. You get to the point that you are sick of the lies, the deceit, the lack of trust and you just want to live a good, clean life with your spouse.
Hope this helps a little.
DAF