Don't know how to pretend/act like

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Don't know how to pretend/act like
5
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 10:40am

nothing has happened to me during my DHs absence. My mind is always somewhere else. He is suspicious b/c everything about me has changed. I am different, and I don't know how to "act" like I am the same wife/mother he left behind.

Free spoke the truth when she said...in order for most women to make a connection with another man, there is often a disconnection that occurs with her married partner.

That is exactly how it is. I feel when I am with my H, I am cheating on my MM. Not rational thinking...I know but it is how I feel. I know I have to give it time but it still feels so uncomfortable for me.

My DH came home and in a few days, we were arguing. My first reaction was to run to MM and I did. So there hasn't been NC, which I know is the only way to truly rebuild the connection with my DH. MM will be moving the beginning of April. I don't know how I will feel when that happens. So it's like I have officially become a "cake eater!" because I would rather spend as much time with him that I can before he is gone forever.

I feel so sad because I sincerely thought with DH home, I would have/could have chosen to make the break with MM. I didn't. I was told by my DF who knows of the A, that I need to be real with how I feel...I fell in love with another man. I didn't want to believe it. I have never said it. Always said...I just really care for him. I love him but know what we have would not continue to be the same if we were ever truly together. Years would go by and I would find myself out of love with him as well. An A imitates all the emotions you feel when you meet someone new and it's exciting, but that all fades eventually and you are left dealing with real life.

So my journey is not over and I have such a long way to travel to acceptance. Forgiving myself for what I have done, accepting that my DH is only human and can't make me feel anything more than I am willing to feel, accepting that marriage is not roses all the time and no matter who I committed my life to....things change over time. Nothing ever stays the same.

I will miss him when he is gone. I miss him already.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 1:21pm

SS

You are not in love with XOM, you are hooked on having a man who puts his efforts into making you feel good about YOU so he can get into your pants, you love the fantasy bubble were you are young sexy and desired and there are no real life problems, THAT BUBBLE WOULD POP in a few weeks or months if you were living with XMM, affair relationships are not built on the sort of stuff that survives REAL LIFE, your a smart woman you know this so act on it, TOTAL NO CONTACT NOW, put your effort back in rebuilding your connection with your husband and you will get results in time.

IF YOU DON'T YOUR GOING TO LOSS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AND END UP WITH NOTHING NOT EVEN XOM.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 3:46pm

SS- is it the MM as a person you'll miss, or the escape from reality you experience while with him that you'll miss? And don't answer too quickly. Two very different situations. Here's what I experienced myself:


For 17 years of serial long term affairs, as one affair ended I found another woman to have an affair with. Single or married wasn't all that important to me. I needed someone else to help me get through the arguments with my wife. What I told myself in each of these affairs was that I loved the current OW/MW and if it weren't for the kids in my marriage, I'd leave the marriage to be with the OW/MW and then my life would be stable and enjoyable. The reality for me was that I continued to look for someone else outside my marriage to get me through the problems within my marriage. I was emotionally disconnected from my wife for years, similar to what you and your DH are going through. In my final affair, OW and I ended the affair, I went back into my marriage and there wasn't any promise of OW being available if or when I got divorced. To make a long story short, my first marriage ended for many reasons and failures of both parties. I went and found the last OW, and she's now my wife. And I haven't ever had the urge to find an affair partner to escape the grind of my second marriage. In fact, if you dig deep enough in the archives of this board, you'll find that my initial posts were in response to someone's assertion that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Not true. Settle the issues of the marriage and the underlying emotional causes and the baggage is gone, whether within a first and only marriage or a new marriage.


Anyone who allows the emotional causes used to justify an

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 8:56pm

THE WOMAN IN THE GLASS

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you Queen for a day
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that gal has to say.

For it isn’t your partner or family or friend
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The gal whose verdict counts most in the end
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a real honest friend
And call you a person of place
But the gal in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look her straight in the face.

She’s the gal to please, never mind all the rest
For she’s with you clear up to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the gal in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the gal in the glass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 1:51pm

Cl-nre

<<>>

I thought about it and have thought about this question ever since my initial posting on this board. I do miss MM as a person. He became a really good friend to me. He has his faults, but I adore him- the good and the bad. However, I am someone else when I am with him. I am not my children's mother, my husband's wife....I am just me- the good and bad. I don't think of anybody or anything but us when we are together and sometimes it is such a relief to not care, not worry, not think, not be responsible. So it is a little of both.

My DH is a great human being. We have been through some tough times, and I am sure there will be many more to come. I am just not sure he is the one I can see spending the rest of my life with. If I be honest with myself, the disconnection probably started back in early 2002. We started marriage counseling in late 2003 when I told him, if something doesn't change...we will end up divorced. Counseling was work but worth it. The counselor had us go into our individual past and talk about hurtful childhood situations that we didn't realize was contaminating our marriage as adults. I began to understand him better and he really began to understand me. But progress was interrupted with the deployment and things slowly began to change again. I started my A and disconnected totally from everything and everyone close to me. So much of what I am feeling in the M now is because of me. We start counseling again after spring break. We'll see where it takes us. I hope I can begin to love him again. If not, I will let him go to find the love he truly deserves.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 5:33pm

""I thought about it and have thought about this question ever since my initial posting on this board. I do miss MM as a person. He became a really good friend to me. He has his faults, but I adore him- the good and the bad. However, I am someone else when I am with him. I am not my children's mother, my husband's wife....I am just me- the good and bad. I don't think of anybody or anything but us when we are together and sometimes it is such a relief to not care, not worry, not think, not be responsible. So it is a little of both.""

ESCAPISM PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

If he were your FRIEND he would not have involved you in cheating on your family, you don't encourage a REAL FRIEND to do things that is going to hurt them and there FAMILY, nothing here but USE USE, nothing SPECIAL nothing DIFFERENT.