Don't know if i can keep doing this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Don't know if i can keep doing this!
5
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:07am
I don't know where the last 5 weeks have gone!! I was doing so well. In fact 2 weekends ago was the best weekend I have had in months. I felt like my old self again. Then last week I lost someone very dear to me in my immediate family and I am totally off. The grief from that is so much worse than losing MM. I am crying all the time over my loved one and I know I am rolling that over to MM. I feel like I've worked so hard to move away form MM and the A and I have been pretty successful. But now even though I dont want the A anymore it seems harder than ever to fight. Before this I could put all my energy at getting over the A. Now my energies are put to trying to grieve and mourn my loved one so there is nothing left to fight with anymore. I had a dream about MM last night that is so vivid in my mind. I just feel like I want to stop working at everything so much. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:16am

Brie

Is there anyone else you can vent your grieve with perhaps your Husband could step up to the plate if not another relitive who understands your pain, you have come a long way you don't want to go back to square one again turning to XMM will only in the end cause you more pain no releave you of pain.

Vent your pain don't try to fight with it , WRITE it out on this board or others that deal with this sort of loss but don't try and deal with it internally.

Hang in there

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:18am

Oh honey, hugs to you, and my deepest sympathies on your recent loss. You CAN keep doing it, and you must. I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal. My T told me one time that every time we experience loss, we subconsciously go back and dredge up all our unresolved loss all over again. When we don't truly mourn a loss, it stays fresh no matter how much time has passed. And you're still so new at this, only what?, 5 weeks? That may seem like alot and in many respects it is the most difficult time, but it's still pretty new.

Please try to move on with your mourning of your recent loss, and just sit in the uncomfortable feelings you have for your XMM. It's natural that it hurts, particularly when you're in the negative energy of a wake, funeral, etc. Try to recognize that there's a connection between these losses. Remember how wonderful you felt a few weeks ago. Try to remember that these feelings too, shall pass.

While it's natural that you're feeling so desperate right now, try not to act on those feelings. Let them out. Feelings are just that - feelings. As much as it seems like they can, they can't kill you or hurt you. Hang in there and get some help for your grief. In some respects this may actually be a good opportunity for you to continue grieving the end of your A - wrap them both together and cry your heart out. When this passes - and it will - you will be that much stronger.

Hugs and stay strong vibes coming your way! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:52pm

I'm so sorry for your loss! (((HUGS)))

As for XMM, I think it is completely normal to go through phases - feeling strong one day and horribly weak another. Most days I feel pretty good. But then a song or a story or a memory will pop up and remind me of him and how things used to be. Those feelings can be so strong it is impossible not to break down. Over time it will get easier to manage. Just remember that right now you are reacting in grief, not with a clear head.

Hang in there!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 1:35pm

Thanks you everyone for your replies. I really dont want to go near the place where I was. I just feel like NC which seemed to be getting easier finally, is so hard now. I feel like talking to MM could make me feel better even though i know in my head it just a band aid and will make it worse if I invite that back in my life.

Free- I wish my H coudl be there but he does what he can. First he travels like crazy. He was with me through all of the arrangements and all the services but now he has to get back to work. He sort of goes back to his world which doesnt always seem to to include me and my feelings.

I know the pain of losing someone to death for me has been much worse than losing MM. I guess in my screwed up head I am thinking why do I have to lose MM..he is alive. And the pain of that is easier to deal with then thinign all day about my loss. Just bad timign I guess. Just dont know if I can keep the NC with MM.. and worse if I dont not say something I know I will regret. I am trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 2:00pm

Cap,

I am so sorry about your loss,hasnt been long I lost my favorite aunt.But I do have to agree with Free and the rest, you have already proven how strong you are. And I know we cant say anything that will make it seem any easier, but you have come to far to let feelings get the best of you. You will get thru this,and when you do you will be even stronger, just please dont turn the wrong direction (MM) because you know in the end you will look back on it an not only feel loss but feel the defeat an backstepping. Try an remember all the wonderful things about your loved one, I think thats how they want us to think of them I mean think about it no one wants to be remembered in a bad way so take those good times an let them carry you thru. And like you said MM would just be a band aid an I dont care what that say those things hurt when ya yank em off.. ( want you to laff at that). Its ok to feel all the things your feeling, an its ok to cry till you cant stand it, and I know you have heard all the cliche's, but one that helps me really is when I feel like I have hit bottom an like it cant get any worse I say... ok well fine. there is only one way out now and thats up, so starts my climb an yes I been knocked back a few times but it seems like the bottom isnt as far from the top as I think.. If that makes sense.. I used to like like what doesnt kill us makes us stronger but id be a freaking super hero if that were the thing.. Many prayers to you and your family , please just remember you are a strong woman and you will get thru this..

~KRM~