Don't know if I should stay or go

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Don't know if I should stay or go
6
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 10:53am

Good morning lovely ladies,

<> I am so confused. One day I am convinced the only thing I can do is leave, the next I am thinking about working things out with DH. The problem is I don't trust myself. I don't know which feelings are *true* I have suffered from depression most of my adult life. I am always in therapy and have been on medication since 2000. This is probably my worst depression yet. Spurred by my father's illness and death, it also caused me to question my life and marriage, thus I ended up in an A and it has been downhill from there.

I have had NC with OM for 6 weeks now (we did run into each other a couple times, but did not speak as he was with new GF and I was with friends and in-laws - so that doesn't count, right?) Anyway, I am still infatuated with him because I have put him in my fantasy world where he is "Mr. Perfect." Some of you know why from other posts. So he is still foremost in my mind. Part of me wants to leave just to pursue him (he is single.) But I know that isn't right and therefore won't leave for that reason.

DH and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for 1 1/2 months. Last night he told me that it is killing him. That he is starting to feel resentment towards me and he doesn't want to be that kind of person. So I talked to him about my passions and that I wanted a deeper relationship, (long story, but basically all we do together is eat and drink - he likes sports, I love to travel, culture, philosophy, etc. I like to have real conversations about things that are important, he is a happy-go-lucky guy who doesn't really think about the big questions) and he actually said some things that surprised me - he seemed more aware of things then he ever has before. He wants to travel and would be willing to do some more things with me if I agreed to do things he likes (we both agreed to no football and no ballet :) ) The problem for me is that I have gone through this before (no A though) and found my way back to him. If I am able to do it now, is the same thing going to happen in 4 years when I have another mid-life crisis? I can't and won't do this to him again.

So anyway the whole point of this babble is that now I feel like maybe I can work on things. But one BIG problem is that I have no desire to have sex with him. The man I had the A with was gorgeous and had an incredible body so that's all I think about when I think about sex. ( I know - shallow!)

So any wisdom out there about what I should do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:38am

I think most of us would agree here that sex with our X's was incredible to say the least. I know with me, my XMM read me like a book in bed. It's like he KNEW exactly what made me tick, without me ever having to tell him. We had always said to each other that we were 'sexual soulmates'. I still think it's the best sex I've ever had, and ever will have. There is something to be said for having earth-shattering sex WITH a man you are in love with. There's no better combination.

HOWEVER, I'd like to think that it's all so great, because there is the newness of the relationship, the excitement of the A, and the fantasy we all have built up in our own minds regarding these seemingly sexually perfect men. I can't get that same feeling with my H either. We have sex, and although it's satifying for the purpose in which we are doing it for, I do not have the connection with my H in bed, like I did with my XMM. And it was like this BEFORE he ever entered my life. Sex was just sex, and still is. No passion, I can't even look him in the eyes during because I don't feel what I'm supposed to be feeling, I don't enjoy kissing him either.

But can I ruin a 20+ year marriage because of that? I've debated this for years, especially when I'm going thru a major depressive state. I haven't had a severe bout of depression in a year, so I'm thinking more clearly where this is concerned. I do know without passion in my life, I will alway be succeptible to any man I come across in my life where sparks fly. But I will have to remind myself that sparks do not make it right to go on to have an A with that person, or to end an otherwise good marriage over.

It's about keeping things in perspective. But if you are depressed, it's an almost impossible thing to accomplish. I know during my depression last year I ran to my mothers house (who knows of my A) and cried for hours about not knowing what the right thing is to do. I felt my H deserved better than me, he deserves to be loved AND desired. But, I also feel that he doesn't deserve to be left by his wife either, just because I'm confused. So, being my life isn't horrible, and my marriage is only lacking in one area, which is my fault, not his..I decided to keep working on myself and keep our marriage in the forefront now, which is where I had my XMM at for so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:11pm

Hello my friend,

I am so sorry you are having these feelings. I haven't seen you on the board in the past few days so I was wondering how you were.

I am in no position to give advice as I haven't had the courage and strength to keep up NC, but know if I want to be able to function, I must! Everytime I leave OM, I come home in a depression that is not fun.

I will say that if you are unsure about leaving your marriage, maybe you can give it a last try. Maybe after that the answers will come. This is what I am hoping to do. As for the sex and sleeping together, it is the same situation as me. My husband is not unattractive, but the spark is gone and after being with OM who is so gorgeous, it is hard for me to just come home and turn my feelings off and be with my H. Doesn't make one feel very good about themselves. Could you plan an over night trip or a short trip to start some of the traveling together? If it is something you like to do and he is willing, maybe that will be a start. What does your T say about the sex with H? I am off to T today and am suffering the same thing.

Like I said, I am not in a good place to offer advice because of my recent actions, but I can offer you support. Try to be strong and know that you will see through this dark time. There is a saying that I love and I have been repeating it to myself lately:

When you come to the edge of
of all the light you know...
And you are about to step
off into the darkness...
Faith is believing
one of two things will happen...
There will be something solid
to stand on
or you will learn to fly.

Please know you are not alone. Big hugs to you today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:26pm

Saw these quotes on another board today, and wanted to post them on this board. This seems like the perfect thread to post them in!

"I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all.

On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person.

I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you."
~Zig Ziglar~

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
~Jeff Foxworthy~

Marriage isn't supposed to make you happy - and satisfied. It's your job to make your marriage happy - and satisfying. Same goes for sex. It isn't supposed to make you passionate and "hot". It's up to you to make it passionate and "hot" and intimate.
~Diane Sollee~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:37pm

Hi there namaste!
I don't know if I have any actual words of wisdom per se, but I did want to say hello and tell you a little about my thoughts this weekend. I was thinking alot about what we had discussed last week, about reaching out and grabbing that little bit of independence. Whether or not to stay with our H or not. In my case I have come to this conclusion that my biggest problem right now is FEAR.
I am afraid of the unknown!
What might happen if?
In a way I am reaching out for every reason to discount my M and walk away under the guise of this search for myself. But in reality I think I am more concerned that if I am to decide to jump wholeheartedly back into making my M work, then my husband will find out about the A and I will be back to my devestation and loss. It's almost easier to displace my guilt by just ending my whole marriage. I have basically been pushing everyone close to me away because of all this guilt and just pretending that everything is worse than it is due to fear of the unknown.
I would definitely tell you to give your M another chance. It sounds like there is truly something holding you two together. A kind of glue in a way. As far as the chance of having another (?) mid-life crisis, I think that is just a chance you have to take.
I plan to have at least 2 more! (except the next one will have me living with monkeys in the rainforest, instead of banging a monkey at his mom's house-lol)
You will always have the sexy memories of your A, to spice up your sex life if needed. (sorry to sound crass) But hey if that's what it takes, that's what it takes.
I think when other aspects of your M start to improve then the desire for sex will come naturally. If you truly want to be closer with your H and make it work than the sizzle will come back too.
Hope you have a great Tuesday!
~hugs to you
~nuttmeg

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 3:56pm

Thanks so much for all of your words of support. I especially like the Jeff Foxworthy quote! ;)

Pup - <> I could not have articulated that better myself. It's like being between a rock and a hard place. Not to mention the guilt I will always have if I stay - but I suppose I will have guilt if I go, too. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Why does life have to be so damn hard!

Little - you are so sweet and much too hard on yourself. I have to admit if my OM emailed me tomorrow I would be rightback in, and it's been 6 weeks NC! My T doesn't really address the sex thing and I haven't really pursued it. Maybe I will put it on the topic list for next time.

Meg - FEAR - yes I have fear of the unknown too. Oh yes, I think about sex with the OM ALL of the time, especially since I am not getting any right now (well, except the solo kind ;) )

How did such nice girls like us end up in these predicaments, that's what I want to know. Sometimes it just takes my breath away just thinking about everything I have done the last 7 months.

As usual, you girls are the best! I don't know what I would do without this board.

You've all given me more to think about and working on my marriage seems to be the moral thing to do. I have to warn you though, tomorrow I may post that I have decided to leave. Oy vay

<>

Namaste

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:11pm

You have every right to change your mind. But do so after the fog has cleared a bit. I had always questioned whether I was making more out of my unhappiness in my marriage than I really needed to be, just because of the complicated emotions I was going through during my A. And when you add depression to it, making any type of life-altering decisions at that point is not a good idea. I couldn't decide if my marraige was causing the depression, or if it was the depression causing me to think of ending the marriage. The ole' chicken or the egg theory. So I thought it best not to make any big decisions like that until I got a handle on my depression.

Now that the A is over, and my mind isn't complicated by those emotions, and I haven't been depressed (sad, yes, but that's getting better), I can see the big picture much more clearly. Sometimes me and my H get into a huge fight, and I think to myself "is this it?..is this the big fight that will eventually lead to a divorce?" And I realize, if it does, I'll be ok with it. But at least I know that it's not over my depression or it's not over another man, but it's about the marriage itself not working.

Just some things to keep in mind :)
Hugs to ya,
Pup