Don't want to end it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Don't want to end it...
4
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 4:40pm
I have been in a platonic marriage for over 12 years now. It didn't get really bad until 2-3 years ago. I haven't had sex with my husband in almost two years but remember feeling unsatisfied afterwards mostly. I am a very passionate person and used to think I had enough passion for both of us. Both of our pasts had elements of sexual abuse in them and so far I am the one who has sought our recovery for this. I used to accept his unattentiveness but no longer. Feeling desperate and neglected I slept with a man I had been friends with for a while. I never thought it would turn into an 18 month affair but this man loves, no I should say cherishes me. I feel like "I should" give up this affair because I am not yet ready to leave my husband due to my 7 year old daughter. I am finding it difficult to give up my affair because in it I feel loved, appreciated, and sexy for the first time in my life. Has anyone else been in a predicament like this before?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:30am


Dear isadwife,

I'm there with you sister! I had been married for 16 years in the same kind of relationship. My husband was not a nice man at all. Our marriage was horrible and then 9 years ago he got sick and that magnified our horrible marriage 10 times over. He was not interested in me any longer. I felt unattractive, undesirable and I could never do anything right. We had sex only a couple of times in the past 3 years and that was only because we had seperated in between and he was trying to win me back.

A year ago, I started working a second job with a photographer. We were not attracted to each other to begin with, but then we became best friends, he was so very loving and attentive to me also, he told me I was his soulmate, he cherished me. Eventually, we wound up sleeping together and then my husband passed away. Our affair naturally continued after his death. It was all wonderful. There were some things that happened and we broke up. At least for a month anyway. We tried to be friends, but eventually it turned romantic again. There was so much chemistry between us, the sex was awesome and I had a hard time leaving him alone. I knew he loved me and I loved him, but we were not able to be together but I didn't want to tell him I couldn't marry him for a second time, I was so weak. In my woman's logic, I decided that I needed to find someone else, if I found someone then he would be forced to also so I joined a singles website. I was doing this at work one afternoon, he walked up behind me and found it on my computer. I hurt him so badly that he didn't want/still doesn't want anything to do with me now. Instead of ending it courageously like I should have I opted to do something stupid. Now, this once very loving man is now bitter and will barely speak to me. Four weeks into our split, I'm finally dealing with not having his friendship also, that hurt the most. We communicated very well and I depended and leaned on him and now I've lost everything.

Don't do what I did. Tell him and let him know that you love him but you can't be together unless your willing to divorce your husband, the longer you let this relationship go on, the harder it will be to end it. Ours was a love affair of the heart for over 9 months before I slept with him for the first time. Our physical relationship lasted for the next 5 months. You need to get out of it and try to make things work with your husband. If your staying for your daughters sake then you need to also do it for your sake. Go get counseling. I started counseling last week for the first time, I finally feel like I'm going in the right direction. I will always love this man but he is deeply hurt by what I did. Now I just want to stay out of his way and let him deal with it the best way he can so he can move on with his life. I hope to hear that he's found someone new and is successful one day, he will always have a special place in my heart. But it's over for us. You have to decide if your ready though. It's not going to be easy by any means, you can do it though.

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:39am

"I am finding it difficult to give up my affair because in it I feel loved, appreciated, and sexy for the first time in my life. Has anyone else been in a predicament like this before? "


All of us Isad. :(


That's why we're here. For all the good feelings associated with our A's, eventually the stresses of maintaining them become overwhelming. The damage being done to our lives becomes more apparent, and the realization that the man we find so irresistable isn't exactly the prince charming we imagine him to be all catches up to us.


Keep reading, you found your way here for a reason. :)


*hugs*


Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:43am

I have been in counseling myself for more than 10 years. My husband has gone six times in his life... I asked to go to marriage counseling but my therapist thinks that it would be a waste until my H goes himself to work on his issues. My H is not a mean or bad person. We never had a whole lot of chemistry he was safe to me when I met him. I was never "in love" with him but did love him enough to marry him. What I think would me the most difficult thing in the world would be trying to be intimate with him again after the A because it is so passionate and loving. I really feel nothing with my H. I'm not convinced that counseling will ever make that happen. My H. smokes and I did too 15 years ago when we met and I quit 9 years ago. I can't even kiss him because it repulses me amongst other things. I know the affair needs to end but I just don't think I can do it now :(

-Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:46pm

Then you need to sit down and have a long talk with him and tell him these things.

sc