DOWN IN THE DUMPS TODAY
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| Fri, 11-28-2003 - 4:15pm |
I had a pretty decent Thanksgiving. I was with family and it was nice being out of the house and making conversation with others. At some points during the day though I would think about XOM and get so sad/angry. The level of betrayal and deceit is just overwhelming sometimes and so hard to fathom. I could never be that deceitful, even for a woman that had an A. Yes, I did something behind my husbands back that included lying,etc ....but what XOM did was just sick and cruel.....
When I got home I felt out of sorts. Maybe it was all the sugar that I had for dessert. I thought about XOM and wondered if he were at his brother's house. I wondered about how he was feeling, if he were still doing the other married woman, etc etc. I really should not be having these thoughts, I want to get to the point of not giving a crap. Funny how the one ringers on my phone stopped yesterday and today..(his phone has no signal when he's at his brothers)...anyhow, today was hard because I am so bored. I feel groggy from not sleeping well, and it was dreary and rainy out. I went christmas shopping but left the store without buying anything because the lines were too long. Also looking at all the stuff made me kind of sad, its hard to explain. Me and XOM used to love shopping together, something he also did with the other woman.
I guess I'm just bumming but not enough to give him any sort of reaction. He is not entitled to knowing me anymore. He has no right to know how I am feeling, whether or not i'm even pissed at him. Knowing his patterns as well as I do I know that not giving him a reaction is the best way to handle him. Showing him that i am suffering and hurt will give him some kind of satisfaction. Screw him. I am going to get through the holidays with bells on....he is going to spend his holidays without his children due to his stupid choices. Let him get drunk and spend it with the other woman.....what a freaking loser. I am not mourning him so much that I'm just angry. I hate not being able to tell him off...i hate feeling powerless.
His x-wife mentioned to me that with all the legal fees she is incurring that christmas will be non-existent for her children this year. This has been bothering me, i am thinking of sending them an anonymous money order from secret santa....just so she can buy those kids something. He has hurt so many people, but the fact that those kids have to hurt too just makes me sick.
thanks for listening folks. I'll keep doing laundry tonight and moping around...sigh*

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I think that would be cool to send her (XMMW) an anonymous money order or just so she's not tempted to do something responsible with the money a toys-r-us gift card. That would be awesome...
You know we should start a charity fund on here for them in which everyone who breaks NC has to send 5 bucks... that could get expensive for some of us. ha ha
Laundry sounds like a blast! NOT.... I did get to do one of my favorite things today.. go to the annual X-mas parade!!! I love doing that! I took my kid and two of his friends. It was a blast.. but, amoung the chatter and laughter.. I space out sometimes.. and feel this ache... I hate that.. I want that to go away the most.. I think that's what your talking about.. When everything is so right in your life and wham.. a reminder.. Remember me? The heartache? That sucks.
OK so I'll try to end on a happy note... The pain I feel will end this year. A new and happier 2004! "the year of no married men!"
Hugs to you! Katja
Even in this post you still are seeing him for what he is and not thinking he was an angel or someone you really want to be with. You still have focus keep going.
Hugs
Cali~
Thank you for your replies. I agree that I am stronger then I was, however I am FAR from being an amazing woman. If I were so amazing I would have broken off the A when I first caught him in lies, or when I first saw his drinking problem for what it was (he did a good job hiding it from me)....The smack of reality was talking with the other woman and comparing stories, but when i spoke to the ex-wife that put it all in check for me. This is a man with serious problems, and I was in denial about that for so long. I can see now why she threw his sorry ass out, even with four kids, one of which was an infant at the time. I can see why she is doing what she is doing now. She isn't being spiteful, she really is afraid for her children. She mentioned to me about "succumbing to him again"...I told her "if he isn't good enough to be around his own kids, why the hell would I want him around mine?!"....I've been a fool long enough, I don't want to be with him. That is not what my feelings are about this time around. Now I'm just sad that I was lied to, and I'm angry as all hell and I have nowhere to vent that anger to because I'm doing NC and not telling him off. He is his own worse enemy and will eventually just hurt himself, its not my place to tell him things to hurt him. I know right now he is hurting, he has been served and can't see his kids, i'm not even sure if he can call there because I don't know much about this order of protection stuff. It is'nt any of my business, but I am going to send this poor woman some money. She is spending so much money on legal fees. I told her that the safety of her children is more valuable then anything she could put under that tree...but how do you explain that to little ones? They don't understand.
Well, i better get dressed and head on out to do some errands. I don't have the right mindset for christmas shopping, I think I'll table that for another time, maybe during the week....I'm starting to look forward to having a tree in the house and baking cookies with my children. I keep reminding myself that I have more in my life then XOM will ever have....I am a better person for the mere fact that I would never hurt another person or my chldren the way that he has. I am financially secure, and a hell of alot more mentally competent then he is, although I have my days! I even have alot more then that other woman he was doing, she sounds like an airhead and really codependent on him. He was treating her like dirt and she was going back for more.....he was blatant with her, atleast with me he lied a bit more..LOL...If a man said to me "I am not in love with you"..I wouldn't still be going to his house to do him. Would you? This woman has no self respect..but thats her problem now. She is welcome to him. She is the one that is going to have an alcoholic/sex addict around her children, not me.
Cali honey, are you eating???? I'm doing better, not throwing up anymore. I kind of like being this size, even though i didn't get here in a healthy way. I still don't have the color back in my face though. I look pretty pale.
Well, have a good day everyone. You know we really need a chatroom instead of these boards.
Jazzdiva
I do think you are amazing with the progress you have made even if you don't. You will one day. I believe in you so you have too. Ok what? you have no where to vent your anger cause you are doing NC. Hellooooooooooooo who are we and what is this board for???? Did you forget you are suppose to let it all out here?
You will have a great holiday. I miss doing the family stuff. You and your kids will have a wonderful time once you start and your XMM will be out of your mind. Luckily I have a younger bro who still acts like a kid and his GF is really young so we do that stuff. It is really hard not having the big family around like I had when I was young. When all this mess first happened it was getting close to Halloween. Well I was depressed thinking about him taking his wife and daughter trick or treating and stuff. I came home one day after work to a huge pumpkin on my table. My bro his Gf and my niece dropped it off. Needless to say I was in an awful mood and He made me come over one weekend and we all had one and carved them. It was very theraputic and kept my mind off the situation and my XMM for like 4 hours. Amazing. I hadn't carved a pumpkin in years but it was good for me to do that.
I am still swearing off X-mas although my mom is coming into town and swears we are decorating. Usually I do it pretty big but just not feeling it.
Eating is coming along slowly buy surely. I am glad you are doing well. Just watch your diet if you are happy with your weight. I am not happy with my weight. I am not your typical woman who wants to be skinny. I don't want to be fat but I would like to be thick and I want my ghetto booty back. That is how I get my men. Can't get men with a flat booty:-)
Ok I have bored you enough and need to take my tired butt to bed for work tomorrow.
Have a good weekend you and the kids.
Cali~
I plan on doing some of that today. I want my kids to grow up with some nice holiday memories...(remember when mom used to put out that nativity scene and we used to play catch with baby Jesus and she'd yell at us?!) LOL
I really cant help but wonder how XOM spent thanksgiving. If he is up North and he is driving down today i wonder if he'll call my cell to "test the waters" (he always swung by here on his way back home)...If he thinks that there is even a remote possibility that I would even talk to him then he is a complete imbecile. His ex told me that he did not call his kids for thanksgiving, and it is possible that he hasn't been served yet. I was always the one he ran to when life handed him lemons, so I'm curious as to how he is going to feel now that he doesn't have my support anymore. I hope he feels like the dirt that he is.
Jazzdiva
You are so right my XMM and his W are celebrating and rekindling their relationship. He actually has to work cause I am off whick I like but they will spend time together which makes me sick. Again I think it is special time for them. Whether or not is it I will never know and I know his stupid wife will post how wonderful their holidays were. I am going to tell the therapist about me reading and being obsessed with his W's boards and see if she has any suggestions to help me stop. Hopefully before X-mas.
I am so sure your man feels liek dirt without you. But guess what there areso many other women out there with really low self esteem waiting to be used.
Thank goodness you are out of it and onto a better life.
Cali~
it is great that you are eating again...you'll have that booty back in no time girl...break out the daisy dukes...LOL
You say that XOM feels like dirt without me but that is all speculation. I'll never know, so it doesn't pay to wonder about it. I know that he has bigger problems right now with his court appearance....
Oh, and about that phone call you got from a payphone..OF COURSE it was HIM....who the heck else would be calling you from a payphone girl? You are a cop, you can have all this stuff traced, can't you? Did XMM used to call you from a particular pay phone? I wouldn't be surprised, even if it was just to hang up on you.
My phone has been quiet the whole weekend...the mysterious calls have ceased...I put that anonymous call rejection thing on my landline so the PRIVATE CALLS have stopped....my cell phone has stopped ringing also. his ex said that he has kept away, didn't call the kids for thanksgiving. maybe he already has gotten served...point is he has kept away so that is good news. He knows better then to turn to me for support, I am no longer in the equation. I was always there for him when his life got crappy....but I'm not worried about him. He has this other woman and his family to go bitch to on how he is a victim of society....
well, thats enough bitching for today, I have to go shower and run some errands....
HUGS
Jazzdiva
Damn! What did you have for b-fast? you are on fire today! I love it.. Thanks for keeping it real! I read your 3 posts. You are firm, yet loving.
I really appreciate your response to my post about the e-mail thing... I needed someone to verify that they could very well be schmucks.
I'm kind of feeling a little feed up today myself! I hope that this lasts!
Katja
the disgust and fed up feeling is what i'm using for fuel. I never felt this way about XOM before. Never truly felt this disgusted with him and his behavior. Found out more stuff from the Ex-wife recently about some stupid crap he was doing when he had the kids this summer. This kind of thing makes me even more disgusted with him...if he isn't good enough to be around his own kids he can stay the hell away from mine. Me and my babies are a package deal.
I really wish now that I didn't have an emotional A..I wish i used the s.o.b. for his penis....but that is not my nature. I may be an adulteress but I was a pretty ethical one..LOL..if that makes any sense......
I loved him and I truly wanted a future with him. Now I thank GOD it never got to that point....
I wish i would be in court to see his flat butt fry....I'd pay for Orchestra seats to see that....LOL...heck, I'd buy the whole courtroom a round at intermission.......
He is an actor and that the courtroom is his stage. It is becoming a familiar scene for him. He has no problem putting his hand on a bible and then lying.
I wish I could spit long distance at him.
Wow , I AM on fire today. this is what happens when i start eating again...lol
Jazzdiva
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