Up & down - the emotional roller coaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Up & down - the emotional roller coaster
5
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 12:20am

This early AM hour post marks 6 weeks of NC. I could not have accomplished my goal without the help and kindness of this board and its posters. Thank you!

I should be rejoicing at my accomplishment, but I'm out of sorts today, perhaps hitting a low again in the stages of grief and recovery.

Last week I felt invincible. I felt like I had a handle on my life, was working through a sea of emotions and I knew that continued NC was the only way to dig myself out the two year hole I put myself in when I began the A. When thoughts of xMM surfaced, I worked hard at pushing them out of my mind and didn't allow myself many minutes wasted on the past memories.

I continue to keep suppressing these thoughts, afraid if I think about them too long, I'll get weak and think the A fantasy was better than RL now. I really don't have an urge to call or text him and all precautions in are in place (blocked all forms of communication), but I miss the attention I got from xMM, and what I thought was friendship and love.

I know, I know, as Babysteps said earlier in the week for Steps for Newbies....IT DOESN'T MATTER and NOPE, IT ISN'T DIFFERENT.

I still am in search of closure from within me because I know closure can't come from xMM. There is nothing he can say that will make me feel better about how the A ended. The urge to tell him off still exists for me, but will I break contact to do so?? Probably not, but the anger is still there.

I don't want to go back to the addiction nor feel the incredible range of negative emotions and actions I faced EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR, and some days EVERY MINUTE because I was enveloped in the A fog of guilt, panic, jealousy, helplessness, depression, and sometimes very childish adolescent behavior.

Anyway, I just thought I'd post on how I was doing since I have been doing a lot of lurking and reading, reflecting on what others have posted rather than trying to corral my thoughts. They seem to be all jumbled up lately.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 7:25am

MO -

Congrats on 6 weeks!

<<>>

Have you ever heard the saying: When you're looking at the hole, you don't see the doughnut? :) You have dug out of the hole. Keep looking at the wonderful, sweet part of your life. I think waves of emotion are completely normal - you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel sadness.

<<>>

I am going through the same thing - and what I'm doing is that every time I think of a fond memory or thought, I write down 3 things that were horrible. It has helped me keep things in perspective.

<<>>

Why are people concerned with "closure"? IMO, life happens. Sometimes we get to put the bow on top of the package and sometimes we don't. Even the word bothers m. Remind yourself of the "openness" of your life now - the freedom! And you are the better person now, without the need to tell him or anyone off. :)

"Do not speak - unless it improves on silence."

Bodhi

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 8:14am

Today! You are six weeks, and I am 13 weeks.


I have been going through the same thoughts as you.


I have had too much free time, and need to get busy.


Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.-- Reggie Leach



Today I am going to do something completely different and put myself first and try and make it a special "New Start."


Friday's are particularly hard for me. That was our special day.


No longer. I will do whatever it takes to change my routine, and change my thoughts. I am lighting the match right now.


I am hoping things get better for you today and forever.


RBM............who wants to be happy again.


We only miss what could have been.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 8:57am

Good morning MO50! Congrats! I have been wanting to welcome you but have been wallowing way too much lately and been wrapped up in unanswerable questions. So, welcome! I was in a short but intense (aren't they always?) EA. I had a crush on my xAP for a long time before the A kicked off. Never thought I'd find myself in an A but my M had become an emotional desert and xAP was the oasis (so I thought). My emotions have been all over the place also. What helped me some was to acknowledge that the A was a relationship of sorts. It's OK to grieve the loss but then move on (like your moniker). The feel goods in an A seem so blissful but all the while we are setting ourselves up for hurt we can't imagine. Hang in there MO. You're here posting instead of giving in to the urges. I recently posted about missing the attention. You are not alone. RTG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:16am

Hi Bodhi,

<>

There aren't as many negative things, so afraid I'll run out. Can I repeat myself with the same bad things?

<.

Because I like things in neat packages, like to start and stop a project and feel like this was unfinished, but I will have to leave it at that. Can't FINISH it the way I would've like because we both know it would still be going on....

THANKS!

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 10:21am

MO -

Repeat negatives as much as you need to - or you can borrow some of mine :)

<<<>>

By nature I am the same way - and yoga has help me so much with that. As you said, the outcome wasn't what we wanted. The universe has a better plan and we have to trust it.

Bodhi