Downward spiral

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Downward spiral
3
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 9:32am
I've been reading through the posts on this board and there are so many of them i want to respond to, because it seems as though they were written by me. I mean, so many of us here share the same emotions and thoughts. I will get the courage to respond sooner or later, but right now i keep thinking- "Who am i to give advice? I am a complete failure at this emotional/recovery stage thing." So for now, I just need to get some stuff out- maybe posting here will help clear my head, i don't know. (I am sure most of this will be blabbering heartache stuff, so excuse me if i don't make too much sense.)

I can't understand for the life of me what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, this man that i married 14 years ago loves me. Since i moved back home 2 months ago, everything he's done, every breath he takes has been for me. Anything to make me happy. And I am trying so hard to be. I want to be happy again. I can still remember being hopelessly in love with him. It's fuzzy and vague, but i remember it. He's a wonderful father and husband. If asked 4 years ago if i would ever love another, i never would have hesitated that he would be the only man i'd ever love.....That was 4 years ago.

See, it hasn't always been this way. He started working on the road, staying gone anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months at a time. I was okay with it at first. But then after a year, then 2 years...We stopped communicating. I mean, we talked; just about everyday. But we didn't TALK, you know? Anyway, i have always been famous for holding my emotions in, and he's never been real big on that kind of thing either, so we grew apart. I got so lonely. I'm not talking about just a sexual kind of lonely, either. I felt like i was a single mother of 4. My self-esteem bottomed out. I felt undesirable, unwanted. I had no one to talk to about all the feelings i had bottled up. I never felt so alone in my life. This went on for two years. Then a mutual friend of ours stopped by, and of course, H wasn't here. We talked a little. I invited him back the following day to talk some more. This was what i needed (or so i thought), adult conversation. Actually, now I see how vulnerable we both were at the time and how explosive the situation was. He came back and we talked for 4 1/2 hours. We talked about me, about him, what we wanted out of life. Later in the evening, the conversation turned to our marriages (yes, he's MM). I had already known that his was on a rocky road, because about 6 months previously, he had came over with tears in his eyes because she had left him. But she came back after 2 months and they were working on things. I had known this man for 7 years, and if I knew nothing else about him, i knew he loved her with all his heart. He told me that he thought she was going to leave again, how things were getting worse at home instead of better. I told him how much i was resenting my H being gone all the time. It was so good to talk about it and get it out. We both shed tears that evening. Laughed some too. I felt the spark that night, and had i been stronger, maybe i would have smothered it out-instead of fanning it to a flame.

As the friendship deepened, so did other feelings. I can still remember the first time we kissed. I guess it was in the back of my mind that 'this is wrong', but it was just so full of feelings that i didnt care. We had grown so close and were both afraid of losing that friendship, but i guess the lonliness and longing won out. Afterwards, i was afraid of what would become of us. But i was amazed that we only became closer. We would talk for hours about our feelings. This was the first time in my life that a man would ask how i was feeling or what i was thinking and REALLY want to know. For about a little over a year, we were both really comforatable with our relationship. Neither of us expected the other to leave (we both have young children). We both knew and were comforatable with the love we shared. A love that began as friendship and grew and deepened as time passed. A love that we both knew would have to be kept secret.

Then, 9 months ago, she left him. He was shattered. True, he was having an ema, but she knew nothing of it. She left him for another. He was certain that this was punishment for our relationship, and maybe it was. He fell into depression. He would show up over here at midnight, sit on my couch and ask me to just hold him. I would. He'd lay his head on my shoulder and with my arms around him, he would sob. It would kill me to see him hurting so badly over another, but i tried to remain strong and see him through this. Anyway, thats when the 'we need to lay low', 'just be friends again'thing started. We'd decide not to see each other, and would break down within days. We'd decide no contact, and then one or the other would show up or call. Neither of us were strong enough to let go. I mean, we both found so much comfort in each other, why should we? So, finally, after 2 years of being loved like i've never been loved before, my H starts to get suspicious. Decides to come home and find a job so he can keep an eye on me. I felt caged, like i was in prison after being alone with no one to answer to for so long. I left. MM (now SM) was somewhat hopeful that we may have a future, although he kept making me swear i didn't leave for him. He said he couldn't handle the thought of breaking up our family. I swore it wasnt him. (But deep down, i know it was.) My H broke down. I swear, i had thought for so long that he didn't need me, want me, or love me. And then all of the sudden he cant sleep or eat, can't stop crying or calling me, starts having panic attacks...everything. He did no accusing (although i knew he was suspicious). He just begged me to come back, to love him again. MM saw all of this and knew the real reason i left. So, he did what he thought was best. He left. He used to live 5 miles from me, he has now relocated with his job and stays about 400miles away. I moved back home the day before he left. I didn't hear a word from him for 4 weeks. I was so angry at him for just leaving. After those first 4 weeks, he called to see how i was and to tell me that he had to leave because it was the only way to truly give my marriage a chance. He didn't want to wreck my family, and he saw how much i am loved. So now he calls about once a week. I found out last week that he is relocating even further away (like halfway across the us). He was suppose to leave out yesterday.

So, what the hell is wrong with me? I know that i have two wonderful men in my life who love me. As far as ema goes, i KNOW its over, and it didn't end badly. We still have the friendship that was there at the beginning. As far as the marriage goes, i want it to work, i want to be happy again. I know he loves me. How do i do it? How do i fix my marriage when i can't stop thinking of how happy i was when i was with mm? How can i put to rest all of my memories, all of my thoughts about when we were together? This weekend has been the worst yet. I tried to call him (for the first time since he left-he's been the one to call, i somehow have held out long enough for him to call me first...)3 times this weekend, and couldn't get in touch with him. I need some kind of assurance, maybe? I don't know. I think maybe i just want to know if he thinks of me as often as i do him. Why? I know it wouldn't help. Or maybe it would....

Sorry so long, guess i got carried away.

ineverknew (it would hurt this much.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 11:27am
I don't post as often as I was before, but I lurk all the time. Your post is full of sadness. I wish I had the right words for you. I am divorced, but maybe trying marriage counseling might be a start? You do owe it to yourself, your H and your children to try and make your marriage work. I have the utmost respect for your former mm, now sm, who is trying to give you the space you need to fix the marriage.

You will know, at some point in time, if your marriage is able to be saved. The feelings for your H may not return to what they once were, because we change, we grow, we evolve. Maybe you can develop a deeper love than what you once had.

I was in love with the mm I was involved with (for 2 years) and now he is going through a divorce, but he relocated 400 miles away. His divorce has nothing to do with our affair, it was the breakdown of his marriage which occurred over the course of many years. We cannot change the past, but we can use it to learn for the future. My heart is still broken, but, oh so slowly, mending. We have not gone total nc yet. My recommendation to him is total no contact for six months and see where we both are at that point. Even though he is divorcing, he is not ready to jump into another relationship. There needs to be healing time and he needs to experience what being single is all about. He was married for 26 years.

You might be surprised at your own ability to give advice, based on your experiences. This board is a wonderful place where we can discuss our feelings openly, without judgement. It has helped me tremendously in dealing with the ending of my own affair, which has truly been one of the most painful things I have ever been through.

I wish for you the best as your struggle continues. Please keep posting or lurking, whichever helps you the most. This board, and the wonderful members on it, are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 9:13pm
there is a lot of power in writing your feelings. I kept a journal during my affair. It was interesting to read -- probably would have been even more enlightening years from now, but about 3 mos. after I ended the A, I went through & trashed everything -- pictures, gifts, beautiful hand-made cards (he was an artist), my journals, and letters.

I told myself I didn't want my children or family to find this stuff if something happened to me, but I also think it was a ritual of getting rid of the trash in my life.

Reading the posts here was VERY important in getting me motivated to really end my affair. I had tried so many times before but when I started reading AND posting here, I started healing. Therapy followed. My life is completely different and I'm the happiest I've ever been -- 14 mos. after I started reading here and almost a year since I ended my affair.

Keep it up ineverknew. I agree with I am tired, when you're ready, counseling is a great next step to your healing. good luck to you -- you're on your way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 12:53am
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. I really do believe it helped to write all of that down this morning. I still thought about it off and on today, but i also got up and functioned. A little housework is better than none, right?

I also kept a journal of sorts during my 2 year ema. I've always believed that writing, whether or not anyone else will ever read it, helps me keep at least part of my sanity. But this stuff....these thoughts and feelings that i have been locking up inside of me for 2 months....this stuff feels like it is suffocating me. Squeezing the breath right out of my chest. That's why i am so grateful to have found this place. Where i can let it all out and not be judged. After this post and the one a few days ago, i figured i would have at least one person to tell me to grow up and quit whining. Nothing but encouraging words. For this, i am thankful.

ineverknew (it would hurt so much)