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|Mon, 01-14-2013 - 5:03am|
I've posted before on & off & regularly read the boards. Usual affair story - me & XAP work colleagues, both married, kids etc. Worked together very closely in 2011 & 2012, travelled overseas. Had an affair for about a year. Dday March 2012, A officially ended May 2012 when he said (depsite previous assurances otherwise) that he couldnt leave his family blah blah. Since then it has been a turmoil. I have had problems reconnecting with H, despite MC & doing everything we could. I moved out temporarily, been to the doctor, been on anti-depressants. Ive really made a huge effort with my own social life too. All to no avail...still crying half the time and feeling terrible. And why? Because of XAP because I let him creep back into my life.
We still work in the same department although our major project where we needed to travel together has ended. However he has been able to settle back into his life, even though there were multiple D-Days, his W, although in no way happy about this has by the looks of things decided not to leave. Here's how it would go with XAP... I would feel lonely and sad and he would say lets be friends & I would think 'yes, I don't have many friends why push away someone who cares about you, makes you laugh blah blah' & so for a little while we would be 'friends' go for lunch at work, he'd always go out of his way to come to the office to chat, texts to say hi etc, and for a while I'd think 'isn't this nice - aren't we so mature and grown up that we can be friends'. But of course I wanted to be more than friends, so when he'd tell me stuff about what he'd been doing it would be a knife in the heart - more hurt. Then he'd start saying or sending messages saying 'you looked gorgeous today' 'I miss you so much' 'wish I was with you' etc etc. Then when he heard that I'd moved out for a while it was like 'oh I could come round' and so on. So I'd start thinking 'maybe he doesn want a relationship with me'. So I'd ask 'what is it you want from me' & he'd reply '(my name) you know I'm staying at home with (wife's name) I've told you this, I don't want anything from you' & I'd feel embarrassed & stupid 'Oh yes of course XAP how stupid of me' but then I'd think 'Hang on what about the fact that you want to text me all the time, say you want to be with me blah blah. Did I make that up?' So I'd say 'just don't contact me anymore' & then I'd give in when I saw him at work or whatever & it would start all over again. So so ridiculous, I cannot believe I do this. I have a very important job, I've always thought of myself as an independent woman who doesn't take rubbish from men, I travel overseas representing my country in the industry I work in and yet here I am behaving like a totally ridiculous idiot! And this man...he's not even anything special!
I sent on Friday yet another please don't contact me text & his reply was amongst other things 'Sorry I make you unhappy, I wish I didn't' I think that means he wishes this 'thing' could carry on, because it doesn't upset him in the slightest, he just gets a little ego boost, cheap thrill to know there's me out there making him feel good & interested in everything he has to say/does etc, whilst for me it upsets my life and holds me back from moving on.
Fortunately XAP is going to be off work very soon for a month or 2 so I won't have to see him. I am going to try so very hard to stick to this NC. I am afraid though that when I start to feel better is when I start thinking 'maybe we can be friends after all'. It's hard. But I just have a vision of myself being like this forever, I dread him talking about his life (my main fear is that as he is not married to his partner of 23 years & that he'll come into work and announce they're getting married) I want to get to a point in my life where I'm not bothered, in the same way I'm not bothered about old boyfriends and what they're doing.
At the same time as all of this it looks like my H & I are separating. We are planning to sell our house etc, so I have a lot of things to contend with right now.
Anyway, thanks for reading x