Drowning in a sea of "what ifs?'

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Drowning in a sea of "what ifs?'
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 11:58am

What if I had made more of an effort to see him that last time? What if I had just said the right thing?  What if....

So many thoughts in trying to figure out how to make this OK.  Sending out way too many messages in an effort to reach him with no reply.  We've been down this "it's over" road so many times before that I'm having a hard time believing that this really is it.

How do I convince myself to stop waiting for him to come back?  This isn't the way I wanted it to end and I feel like there is so much left to be said.

Kids go back to school soon and then I am left with so much time alone that used to be filled by him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 1:04pm
Hi Blonde - If the woulda, coulda, shoulda's don't kill ya then the what if's will for sure..

IMHO - first things first, accept that it is over and move forward. No matter what it feels like, however much you want to go back and fix things, it will never feel like it was the right time. The stuff that is left to be said only seems so now - in time you won't even remember what the heck was so important.

Help yourself now, take charge of the situation and assume the role of NC Day 1. Send a final letter if you must but then immediately block or you will only then get the response you are waiting for now, and then back to square one.

The freedom from the very thoughts that are torturing you now, is in your hands. It is so much better beyond the A - honest.

Hugs, I know it's hard -

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 1:06pm

Reality check time because I don't see a woman who really gets that this was a blessing in disguise and seems to be only here biding her time 'til the circumstances change and she can start right up again.  

So how about less drowning in the what it's that don't matter squat and start of swimming to the surface of RL by realizing the real potential of the what ifs that should matter.

What if:

1.  I experienced a discovery day

2.  My betrayed spouse asked for a divorce

3.  I lost my children full time and only got to see them half the time because of joint custody

Use the visualization technique.  Find some quiet time and close your eyes and visual this:

Visualize the look of pain on your husbands face when he learns of your betrayal.  I mean it, REALLY SEE IT.  Visualize the horrified and tearful looks of your children wondering why Mommy made Daddy cry.  Visualize the looks of disappointment from your immediate family as they learn of your betrayal of their grandchildren.  Visualize the jeering looks and pointing fingers from the community.  Visualize your friends turning their backs on you.  Visual your husband holding the hands of your children and the backs of their hands as they walk out that door.  And you never know how people will react in the face of betrayal.  You will have no control over what others may do.  We read about it all the time.  Even the gentlest of souls can turn violent and murderous, or simply make your life miserable.  I've read of suicides.  You have no control over others, but you do have control over yourself.  You have to get a handle on this and get in control of yourself.

I'm not saying or doing anything here to hurt you, but you are so wrapped up on wanting what you want, you are not seeing or appreciating what you already have and could lose in a heartbeat.




Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 1:20pm
Hi, bh. I know this didn't end the way you wanted it to but it is what it is. Why don't you rewrite the ending here? How would it have to end for you to be satisfied?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011

I almost drowned in the see of what if's myself, and I was the one who ended the A.  Our A's are based largely on our insecurities, so of course we will second guess ourselves immediately following the end, regardless of who ends it.  In time you will see that it doesn't matter how it ended, it only matters that it ended and you are free.

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 1:40am

Hi BH,

We’ve all been through the “what if” exercise. There was a time when I could spend my whole day dwelling in the “what ifs.” I was very proficient in the exercise in fantasy.

I know I could take those “what ifs” pretty far and could do them with so many parts of my life. I’m not creative enough to match unusual paint colors but give me a few minutes in “what if” land and I’ve transformed into a single woman with no kids, well-traveled; in a third world country deciding which water source would yield the most crops for a starving nation.

I’ve found though “what ifs” are just distractions from “what is.” The more we fantasize about “what if” the less we have to make decisions about “what is.” The less we have to do and decide about the realities of our given situations.

An A is an exercise in the land of fantasy aka “what ifs.” As long as we put our energy and focus on our A/fantasy/what ifs, the less we have to take action on “what is.”

“What if” can be just as much of an escape as the A was.  I want to encourage that creative part of your mind BH to start seeing the possibilities of what you can do realistically in your life. Can you do something to increase your feeling of self-worth? Can you volunteer when your kids go back to school? Can you look into furthering your educational goals? What can you do in “what is” land? How can you best use that free time when your kids go back to school to better your situation?




Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.