During the intimate moments...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
During the intimate moments...
29
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:22pm

Hi wonderful EAS community,

Most of you know my story, but briefly, I ended a 7 month A and am struggling to maintain NC. Husband think it was an EA, but in reality it was a PA. Bringing us to my point, which is a bit of a sensitive subject...

In resuming physical intimacy with my husband, I can't stop thinking about AP! I hate myself for it, but AP got me physically aroused in a way nobody ever has, so I'm messing around with H and AP pops into my head...i start imagining how he used to do things, almost channeling him in order to enhance the experience. Am I a horrible person??

It's not that sex with H is bad or anything, it's just that, well, its better with AP. Perhaps part of what made it better was that i wasn't in love with him, it was just about fun, so therefore less threatening (i'm such a guy sometimes :) ). I dunno--but have any of you had the problem of fantasizing about your AP whilst with your H, and if so, how to stop? All suggestions welcome!

xoxo
E

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:36pm

E,

THANK YOU for posting these questions. I have the same questions for the past few days and have been nervous about asking as well. Well, here goes my story too.....

Even though I had mostly an EA affair, there was a lot of kissing, touching, hugging, and a lot of imagining. All of it was better with the xAP then it was/is (sigh, hard to admit that) with my H.

Last weekend H and I had some time alone after all four kids were in bed and we skinny dipped (blush!) in the pool. Sex followed. But all the time, thoughts were all about xAP and I was literally screaming in my brain to get him out of my head and heart. Kissing with H is not like it was with xAP and so wish I had that type of chemistry with H. Intimacy with H is nice, but the passion with xAP was something I had never experienced before.

I was really bothered by this and even emailed someone on the EAS board to ask about this because I was nervous about posting this, but since you broke the ice, I decided to come forward as well.

I need to know how to stop fantasizing about my xAP when I'm intimate with my H as well. I need to get past it for myself, for my H and for my marriage to continue.

Thanks in advance for the advice!

Movingon at 50!

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 4:05pm

Moving on,

I suspect there's more than just the two of us who struggle with this. I think there's something about an A, when it's already such forbidden fruit, that it's easier to take a no-holds-barred approach. Part of it also is that I discovered things I was in to with AP that I had never even tried with H, but I feel nervous to ask H to do them cos i'm afraid he's going to be like "where'd you think of that?"

I'm glad you came forward, it makes me feel like less of an a$$hole. Now if we can get some real advice!!

EAS'ers, we're putting you to the test: how do we stop fantasizing about our APSs while getting it on with our Hs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 5:04pm

Good grief, girls. I fantasize about Brad Pitt!!! hahaha. Seriously, I do know what you mean and I do think of xap during sex, too. I don't feel too guilty about it though because whatever works, works, if you KWIM.


I loved kissing my xap. My H is not a very passionate kisser but he is great in other areas. Our sex life improved dramatically when I began the A and even now that it is over we've managed to keep up a pretty good pace. Our sex life was awful--and I mean AWFUL--before that,...maybe three times a year for the past three years. Isn't that pathetic?


I think it's ok if the fantasizing doesn't actually lead you to wanting to resume the A. Just my 2 cents.


~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 5:21pm
Nothing to be embarrassed about. I think it's perfectly normal to think about, but the trouble is when you can't get away from real life with H. My own experience with this is twisted and murky. During and even long after the affair was over, I often thought of xAP during sex with H. The stupid, can't figure this one out (well, yes I can) thing is xAP was an awful lover. But we had great passion for each other, go figure. H knows what works for me, so he can satisfy me, where xAP never could. Yet I didn't want sex with H. Twisted, I told you. With xAP it was hours of talking, cuddling and finally sex. With H, well after 30 yrs. you get the picture. I won't lie, there are times xAP still pops in my head. I wish he wouldn't, but it happens and I don't even fight it anymore. I found the more I tried to push him out during sex with H, the less focused I became. I have to stay focused if you get my drift ;-) so I just let what happens, happen. In time, down the road, I suspect this won't happen. As long as I have triggers and things remind me of xAP here and there, I'm betting he will pop in and out of my head on occasion. Better there than in real life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 6:32pm

~alwayst2,

I understand your situation about, well as you say, 'your pathetic sex' life because mine is very similar. I swear I don't know what happened but when I hit my mid 40's (now 50) I wanted sex all the time and my H didn't oblige. He is a great guy, very driven about his work and a good father, but my needs came last. Yes, I know issues I need to work on with him. I believe that is why I was so vulnerable to an A.

My A never resulting in a sex for a variety of reasons, but still chemisty was there. Was there incredible passion because it was fueled by the A or did it truly exist between us? I wonder about that often. But as sooooo many have said before, it was fantasy mode, and heightened by the secrecy of the situation. Even though the rose colored glasses have come off and I've discarded the ruby slippers, I still wonder.

Anyone else stuck like me?

MO at 50!

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 7:27pm
Its so true about the inhibitions being lowered while having A sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 4:57am

Ahh. I wish I had more time to write on this subject. This is something that I've struggled with A LOT. My xAP was an amazing lover. I was about to hit 40, and sex life with H was pretty non existent. I thought sex for me was pretty much over. xAP changed all that. It's the one thing I really miss about the A. H just can't do the same things.

But, there's more to life than great sex. The cost of having it with xAP was too high - way too painful. So it's one of those things I've accepted that I had to give up, and I'm okay with that.

Hang in there. It does get better, but it just takes time.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 8:09am

bthlman,


I am so glad you posted with your Male POV!! Why is it, I wonder, that we are so much less inhibited with an AP than our own spouse?? OMG, xAP was passionate and aggressive in a way that sent me over the edge. I have a pretty strong personality and to allow myself to be vulnerable with xap and to give in to his aggressiveness was a huge turn on. I was completely uninhibited and not shy to ask for and try new things. I am not comfortable doing that with the man I've been married to for 28 years!!! H isn't aggressive AT ALL in the bedroom. And how in the world do you teach someone that?

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 11:10am

Part A of this thread didn't resonate with me as I rarely have sex, very rarely, with H and I am too guilt stricken to ever think of X during it (all three minutes of it.) But I do think of X-sex when I'm alone, almost exclusively - and I wish I could stop that.

Part B is me -- I'm 43 and my libido went from slumber mode to a five-alarm fire siren around late 30s. H is passive and very dull. Our sex life suffers on a lot of levels, but I think I could deal ok with that if only H would be more of a pursuer and make me feel wanted, even if the sex were just 'meh'. ykwim? I don't know how you make a partner who seems uninterested interested again and it's a real blow to the ego to be begging for affection. I'm 100% certain that having a PA made the whole situation even more difficult, as now I have even MORE psychological/sex issues to deal with. There's no way poor H can compete with the drama and excitement that A-sex served up, not even on his best day. Sucks. Still, I'd rather be with my H than my X any day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2009
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 2:23pm

Wow, looks like we've touched on a high interest topic here! Okay, I'm diving in...

Dee, I'm with you. I, too, had an increase in libido in my early-40's, just in time for my xAP to enter the picture... :(. My sex life with my H has been pretty much the same, even since day one over 26 years ago. You usually hear about the H always wanting sex and the wife having to push him away. Sadly, I have always had an appetite for physical intimacy with my H, but his interest in me has always seemed to be a "give in" approach. I was never sure if it was me or him. I lost weight, tried to be sexier, tried to spice things up, and nothing. He was my "first and only" and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. I can't tell you how this hurts - it's very damaging to the ego.

Here's the embarrassing kicker. Throughout the five years of my A, my xAP would never allow himself to have sex with me. There was "everything but", but the entire time he acted like he tried his hardest to hold back. And we met almost weekly! His excuse was that if he allowed himself to go that far with me, he knew it would be too good and he would never be able to turn back. Sadly, I believe he cheated in the past and during my A with him. Why I was attracted to someone like this sickened me, but him holding back from me hurt and confused me! Do I take his will power as a compliment or an insult? Or was it just a control game? He also held out telling me "I love you" until 4-1/2 years, then whispered it to me one day. He occasionally repeated it and then would again deny feeling it - saying that some days he did and some days he didn't, or that he couldn't allow himself to. He always confessed to being a very damaged person and would say that I deserved better. The unending, emotional/physical games. Part of the difficult part of ending things was wondering what I was actually ending!

But I wasn't in the A for sex and unfortunately, I didn't feel less for my xAP for lack of it. The intimacy I did feel when he showed me affection was like nothing I ever experienced before. I felt love, passion, attraction, excitement - all those things that make an A so addictive. He kissed me, touched me, held me, looked at me in ways that touched my soul - ways that are very hard to forget and are counter-productive to my recovery by thinking about now! So, yes, sex (or almost) with xAP was fantastic and part of what made the A so addicting for me.

But now my A is over and I'm still struggling with lots of issues. I'm wrestling with letting go with the unanswered questions about my xAP and what to do about my M. My H seems to be happy with the way things are, although he knows I am "off". I feel sad that he doesn't understand my feelings. (Example: He usually doesn't sleep in the same bed with me. He says he loves me, he's attracted to me and his lacking sex drive/sleeping arrangements don't mean anything, just that he is so tired he falls asleep and can't wake up, regardless of my coaxing and pleading. This has been going on for years, long before my A. He doesn't feel MC is necessary and responded just with an "ok" when I told him I was going to go myself. He hasn't asked one thing about it since.)

Okay, back to thinking of only non-feel-good memories of xAP and working on how I can make things better with H...

HSL :)

PS - I apologize if I went way off-topic here. I don't have lots of private time on the computer and had to get it all in while I had the chance! :)

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