During the intimate moments...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
During the intimate moments...
29
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:22pm

Hi wonderful EAS community,

Most of you know my story, but briefly, I ended a 7 month A and am struggling to maintain NC. Husband think it was an EA, but in reality it was a PA. Bringing us to my point, which is a bit of a sensitive subject...

In resuming physical intimacy with my husband, I can't stop thinking about AP! I hate myself for it, but AP got me physically aroused in a way nobody ever has, so I'm messing around with H and AP pops into my head...i start imagining how he used to do things, almost channeling him in order to enhance the experience. Am I a horrible person??

It's not that sex with H is bad or anything, it's just that, well, its better with AP. Perhaps part of what made it better was that i wasn't in love with him, it was just about fun, so therefore less threatening (i'm such a guy sometimes :) ). I dunno--but have any of you had the problem of fantasizing about your AP whilst with your H, and if so, how to stop? All suggestions welcome!

xoxo
E

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 11:54pm

I'm in the same boat - trying so hard to get XAP out of my head when having sex w/H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 9:00am

Man, this tread has brought up a lot of muck for me. I am sick and spent all day yesterday in bed, half asleep, and plagued with thoughts I wish I didn't have. I was thinking of how awful it is that we have these memories to contend with - of how bloody fn awful it must be for the BSs of ours who have to picture us in bed with another person and how that must feel. I haven't had a d-day so my poor BS is spared that pain, thank God. I also put the shoe on the other foot and felt HUGE waves of regret and sorrow that my X is probably going through the same thing... I mean, part of me (the nasty, damaged part) is all like, "whoop! Dude is seeing ME when he's xxx-ing.", but then I think of his W and I think of how I had absolutely no right to pollute their lives the way I did. And even without a d-day on either of our sides, we have damaged our SOs and they suffer from it even if they don't realize why/what the problem is. Even way out of the A, when almost all of my attention and focus has returned to my M and my H, this insidious and tenacious parasite sucks away at me. I feel I can control 90% of my thoughts, and 100% of my actions - but knowing that I have no control over the memories and no real way of banishing them, makes me feel doomed.... like no matter how I spend the rest of my life, I'll be on my frickin' deathbed and a flash of me getting my ass smacked by Mr. Hotstuff is going to run through my head. Ew! Ok, so at 85, that might be kinda funny and maybe, sorta, welcome... but, right now... EW! I think we're suffering from PTSS (post traumatic sex syndrome)

Can some old timer please get on here and (lie) tell us that time heals the wounds and this will go away eventually?

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:46am

Morning Miss Dee,

Well, I'm far, far from being an old timer on here, but the memories do fade. I'm way out over the end, I still have plenty of memories of xAP and some of those pop up when I don't want them to. And those nasty triggers don't help either. But yes, in time, xAP fades and he becomes a "bleh". Can't say I am all the way there yet, but well on my way. So it does happen and I think it is part of the journey. Just believe, "This too shall pass".

I agree with you about the Betrayed Spouse. I've thought the same thing many times. Not only regarding my H, but xAP's wife too. In fact, I felt so sorry for xAP's wife because he was really pulling the wool over her eyes. Had there been a D-day for xAP, his wife would have been shocked and blown away hearing the fact xAP was involved with another woman. My H on the other hand knew our marriage was teetering on disaster. Not that that is any excuse. I know that xAP has problems getting "interested" in his wife and at one point, he told me he thought of me. That gives me the creeps. And I wonder if it was even the truth. He was taking Viagra during our A and had been for quite some time before. So there were problems before me, but Viagra doesn't help with getting interested ;-) We both brought sexual issues into the affair, but the issues were not related to our marriages. It's all so complicated.

It's interesting how our memories change and our perspective changes along the way to total healing. For those of us who are a long time past the end, we can probably look back and see how our memories have changed. In the beginning of the end, the memories were so fresh, painful and always in the forefront of our thoughts. As time progresses, what our minds throw out to us, changes. The pain fades somewhat and the memories might produce a fist full of anger. At least it did for me. Occasionally, a sweet thought might pop up, but by the point, we are out of the fog and know better. I'm at a point now, when he pops in my mind, it's almost indifference. Big deal, he's just a face I recognize. Now that is most of the time, but I still have moments where I'm contending with deeper and more painful thoughts. But that is part of the healing process and I try to make those thoughts revolve around me, not xAP.

And ya know, I just hope when I'm 85 and fogged in with Alzheimer's I'm not screaming xAP's name up and down the halls of my locked in Alz unit !!




Edited 7/11/2010 2:16 pm ET by bandk73
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:01am

Okay, I may be an old timer, but I am not a married one, so my input would probably fall on deaf ears. What I will say LOUDLY is that this type of thread is counterproductive and damaging to many posters, and a likewise, pushes away single gals that used to post here. This board at one time was full of them but I see they must all go somewhere else now because having to hear about H's and lack of intimacy in the M, and getting hot and bothered over sexual memories of the XAP is definitely NOT what this board is about. You can write to one another off of the board, and there are other Ivillage forums dealing with Low Libidos, how to spice things up in the bedroom, etc. Here are some links:


   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 2:51pm
too harsh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 3:04pm

Iddy,

I don't want to overstep my boundaries and be kicked off the EAS group, but I agree with Dee, I think your response was too harsh.

I admit I did post under this thread twice and perhaps we got a bit off the subject, but the an issue of concern is how to be done with the thoughts of xAP while struggling to make our M's work with our H's.

And yes, not all women or men who enter affairs are married. In reading your response, my first instinct was this was about single men and women who engage in A's vs married men and women who engage in A's. Sort of reminded me of when I was a SAHM (stay at home mom) and always felt like an outsider with working moms. We all had similar concerns about our kids, just coming at it from different prospectives.

I don't believe the links you provided are what some of us are dealing with.

Just my two cents....

MO

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 3:10pm
PS-- If my posts were insensitive, I apologize. In my 2nd post, I did get off track of the problem I was seeking answers for, and that was how to get xAP out of my head when with my husband. Again, I am sorry.

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:19pm

Iddy,

I agree with movingon and dee--i believe your comments were harsh, and laden with judgment. Movingon and Dee were very polite in how they chose to respond. At the risk of being banned from the board, I'm going to be very honest.

"Two people sharing illicit sexual pleasure at the expense of destroying innocent people are acting selfishly and destructively. If you view this as being intimate, then you still have a lot of work to do for bursting that A bubble that your head is still in."~~In my opinion, this is an incredibly unsupportive comment.

All different types of people enter into As, and we are all struggling with a variety of issues. If discussing these issues is offensive to you, perhaps that has more to do with you than with this board and its purpose. This thread was not started with the intention of being lewd and dirty, it was started because in ending our As in resuming life with our Hs, there are ghosts from the past, both emotionally AND physically and I believe this board is intended to be a supportive forum for discussing those issues AS WELL as issues that are relevant to singles involved in As.

Lastly, although you are a cl, you are NOT an expert on As or on us, or on the healing process. Please be open to our ideas as well.

Girls, I've appreciated all of your comments and feedback.l

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:33pm
I'd also like to add that i'm sorry if any of my posts were offensive. it's not my intention to start trouble. but i believe this forum exists for us to discuss some very difficult and taboo topics that we cannot discuss any where else. i this this thread is very relevant to one of the major challenges of ending an A, just judging from the overwhelming response to it. I hope we can all come to an understanding about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 5:45pm
Just wanted to peek my head in and say this topic is actually one of the last things I struggle with. I HATE the fact that I have to think of xap in order to have success in the bedroom with H. I would love to know how to overcome this. It still feels like cheating in a way. So, I'm very open to anyone's ideas on how to overcome this. This can actually be very constructive to those of us that struggle with this problem.
Iddy, I understand your concern, however, it's obvious that since so many of us are having problems in this area that this is actually the perfect place to discuss it. IMHO.
Love, AAI