During the intimate moments...
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| Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:22pm |
Hi wonderful EAS community,
Most of you know my story, but briefly, I ended a 7 month A and am struggling to maintain NC. Husband think it was an EA, but in reality it was a PA. Bringing us to my point, which is a bit of a sensitive subject...
In resuming physical intimacy with my husband, I can't stop thinking about AP! I hate myself for it, but AP got me physically aroused in a way nobody ever has, so I'm messing around with H and AP pops into my head...i start imagining how he used to do things, almost channeling him in order to enhance the experience. Am I a horrible person??
It's not that sex with H is bad or anything, it's just that, well, its better with AP. Perhaps part of what made it better was that i wasn't in love with him, it was just about fun, so therefore less threatening (i'm such a guy sometimes :) ). I dunno--but have any of you had the problem of fantasizing about your AP whilst with your H, and if so, how to stop? All suggestions welcome!
xoxo
E

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I've been reading this thread, but not commenting because I'm single and don't have any advice on the topic. But I did want to say that from a single, newbie point of view, I didn't see Iddy's comments as overly harsh. JMHO - I don't know all the rules of the board as far as what is appropriate and what isn't.
I agree that intimacy issues are something that those of you who are married have to deal with and you need to talk about it - maybe the thread would have been better posted in the Married OW/OM section.
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For me, the guilt was absolutely there. And I was the one who made the first move - I kissed him. But guilt is a funny thing, once you repress a little of it and justify what you've done, it sure gets a lot easier doesn't it?
Bodhi
Hi everyone,
First let me say that I think this is a wonderful board, and that you all have done a admiral job of voicing your thoughts and feelings respectfully.
"...i believe this forum exists for us to discuss some very difficult and taboo topics that we cannot discuss any where else. i this this thread is very relevant to one of the major challenges of ending an A, just judging from the overwhelming response to it."
I couldn't have said it better myself. ;) Sex can be an important part in a relationship, and it's ok to discuss your feelings about it on EAS. Everyone processes things differently and, although we might not all agree, it doesn't make our feelings wrong or bad - because fantasy is much different than actually doing something, right? (Hello, Brad Pitt! lol)
However, Iddy brings up a good point that we have lots resources here on iVillage, and that if we can't find what we're looking for on EAS, we're sure to find it on another board. If you ever have questions on what other boards are out there, Iddy would be a great person to ask! :)
If you have any questions, feel free to email us at relationshipscm@mail.ivillage.com. Thanks and ((HUGS))!
Bodhi,
EXACTLY! <>
Every move I made, every text I wrote, every email I sent I was able to justify, and even though guilt was there (I know it was because I kept rationalizing and justifying my behavior continually), I never thought about those I was hurting (like our spouses and kids), just how the A 'helped' us both. Very selfish and foolish.
MovingON
WAW,
<<Posts like this should be in MM/MW intimacy issues and not here on this board.>>
I agree with you if you meant threads like this should be posted under the Married OW/OM section on this board, like Bodhi suggested. I should have thought of that myself. There is also another forum that would
~Iddy~
Okay, so we've got people on both sides here. Tasha, thanks for stepping in to give us your feedback.
It sounds like for singles, this thread really hurts. Obviously it is NOT our intention to be hurtful, or to imply that singles in an A are merely objects. listen, we ALL know we screwed up, and we all want to pick up the pieces, but we cope with things differently and acknowledging the ugly parts of the coping process is part of it. nobody here is trying to gush about how awesome our APs were and how much our Hs suck--we're trying to say that we WANT to have healthy relationships with our Hs, but we're struggling with the past. if this board was focused entirely on how hard it is for singles and what a$$holes us married people are for ending the A and moving on, it would have certainly deterred me from participating.
i think at least my concern over posting in the sex related boards is facing judgment regarding the A (although there is clearly plenty of that here as well). at least on EAS, i feel like i'm in the company of people who know what it's like to go through this. perhaps though, i need to take that risk.
i also dont believe any of us are glorifying our As, and i think we all feel pretty damn guilty. every moment of my A where i wasn't actually with AP was painful and stressful. i was in a low point in my life, and i behaved badly.
i guess the best we can do is try to be respectful to each other but i'd be very grateful if we could refrain from making categorical, judgment-laden statements about how horrible people in As are, or what awful people we are for cheating. that CERTAINLY doesn't help the healing process.
I wrote a long post for this thread earlier today, but deleted it. I see this issue from all points of view.
I just want to say, I am where I am today because of this board. Years ago when I first found EAS, I was so afraid of opening up. But as I have come to understand the pain of ending an affair, I am more apt to express myself. If I offended anyone, I am truly sorry. I stand by the old saying of it takes all kinds to make the world go round. We all work through our issues in different ways, but in the end, we are all here for the same reason, to end the affair.
Happy Monday fellow Enders!
I was thinking this morning that as a community we can either stand united or we can be divided. We can either embrace our differences or we can use those differences to separate ourselves.
I think it is a huge mistake to shun a particular group to only post in certain sections especially when those sections are not widely used.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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