Dying of a Broken Heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Dying of a Broken Heart
7
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 8:00pm
Hi, I guess this is where I have to go now... I don't even know where to begin. I have been less than happily M for almost ten years. A little over a year ago, I met this wonderful guy when I was at the park with my son. We started meeting when we could, just talking and stuff. About a month later, my husband left on a six month deployment. The OM and I spent the entire summer together, he pretty much lived with me. It was the only time in my adult life I have felt truly loved without reservation. I've never known happiness like I did in those months with him. By the end of summer, he was telling me that he was so in love with me that he couldn't wait till I was free so he could marry me. In the fall, he moved half way across the country to be near his children. A few days before he left, he gave me the most beautiful ring, he said to remind me of his promise. We talked on the phone almost daily after he left, making plans for a future together. When my H came home in December, I couldn't even let me touch me I was so in love with and commited to OM. In February, I told my H that I wanted a divorce. I cited a bunch of different reasons, everything but OM. I couldn't move out right away though because of finances and stuff. But I had a plan of action, along with OM of how things could work out and a timeline. Things were going smoothly, right on schedule. At the beginning of May, totally out of the blue OM almost completely quit calling or emailing or anything. If I called there, no one ever answered the phone. Finally, I got an email saying how he was really struggling with some personal issues, but that he loved me very much. The beginning of June, I happened to catch him online and we had a brief conversation. I told him I was struggling and just needed some reassurance. He started to type something, then logged off. The emails I sent him went unanswered. About a week after that, I im'd and the response I got back was that it wasn't him but a person with a female name on his SN. (Ok, I don't believe it was really anyone but him, pretty sure it was him pretending to be someone else.) I spoke to "Dana" for a few minutes and she was telling me how she knew how he loved me. The next day I had another very brief conversation with the "female" person. She said she just wanted to make sure I was ok. By then, I was pretty sure of the truth, but he's always had female friends... which never never bothered me. Two days later, I looked at his profile (something I did when I missed him sooo much) and it was like someone sucked every ounce of life out of me. The profile said how favorite things to do were spend time with his kids and her and her kids (to start with I only have one child). The next part said "I love her and that's all anyone needs to know." And then a little further down, he named her by name... definitely not my name... and not the name of the person who had supposedly been talking to me either. I sat at the computer and sobbed my eyes out for an hour straight. I couldn't even move.

That has been four weeks ago now and I just can't pull myself together. I am so hurt and the pain cuts so deeply. I can accept there being someone else, I mean those things happen and look how he and I started. Besides, I love him so much I want him to be happy even if that means it with someone else. What I cannot accept and come to terms with is how he chose to let me find out. Its like that profile was put there deliberately for me to see. Three days later his sn had been deleted. I can't believe someone who loved me so much, and yes I still believe he did love me (I can't fathom the thought of that being a lie too) could choose such a mean, cruel, heartless way to end things. I go back and forth between thinking he was too weak to hear the hurt that would come from telling me and total disblief. I need closure in the worst possible way. I don't know how to go on and pick up the pieces with the way he chose to do this. I need a goodbye or something at least and I feel so stuck without it. Can closure be one sided?

It feels so much like I'm grieving a death. I guess it is... the death of "us" and the future we had planned. I have this ring on my finger, that I can't take off to save my life. I have tried a few times and its just too painful. He had been so eager for us to have a baby together, after we were M of course. It was important to him that I go back to school and finish college first though. So, guess what? I'm in school full time now. My classes were just starting the week I read the profile and in that moment all I wanted to do was quit. But, I pushed myself to keep going and not stop because I know it is something I need to do for myself... but it is a terribly painful constant reminder of what will never be.

Everything in my house is a reminder of him, every room and most of what is in each room. There are so many things that were his or we bought together... not to mention the memories of him being in those rooms with me. And, there are some presents stashed here and there that I bought for him and hadn't mailed yet. I don't know what to do with them, I can't bear to get rid of them... but they kill me to look at. I can't even get in my car and escape it. It seems everywhere I go is somewhere we went together over the summer. Even riding in the car is hard, because I start thinking about all the time spent in the car with him.

Then, the other dilemma... what do I do about the H? He still knows nothing of OM. He is desparate for us to work things out. I feel so uncomfortable every time he tries to touch me, but I don't know if its him or how much I'm hurting inside. Part of me wants to stay with him and try again, but there is this other part that remembers how miserable life with him can be and longs for the type of love I had with OM. Plus, I feel to weak, low, crushed and hurt to even think of trying move out on my own right now.

Sorry this got so long... guess I needed to let it out. Any thoughts, encouragement, advice.... anything would be greatly appreciated. I don't know what to do with me...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:38pm
HI Julie

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

On one sided closure , yes it can be done, what some women have done is to site down alone and right a long letter telling XOM everything that is on there heart when you have said everything you need or want to take it out back and burn it as a way of ending it for you.

Before worring about dealing with your husband deal with you first because in this condition you cannot make sound decisions about anything.


peace

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:32am
((ren2findu))

I find it *extremely* odd that he would log on using a female alias and have a conversation with you. Don't ask me why, but that just struck me as definitely weird. And if it really *was* a "female friend", well, that's even stranger. Why would he allow someone else to use his SN? How would this person even know details about who you are and your relationship? And the profile...most people don't post that much in-depth personal information in their profile. Why would he go into so much detail in the profile? This all just struck me as very odd, I just thought I would mention it...

As for the one-sided closure, well, a lot of us here have experienced just that. We have chosen to end A's for whatever reason, or the ending was forced on us by the OM. I think that you need to do what is best for you, and it sounds like ending the A was definitely a step forward. My advice to you would be to take one day at a time. Think of each day that you do not have contact with OM as a small victory. It will get easier, but you will have bad days too. Come to this board often, read the posts, and post your thoughts and feelings. I have found it very helpful, in fact, I don't think I could have found the strength to end the A I was in *without* this board.

Also, keep yourself busy. Surround yourself with friends and family, take up a hobby, get out of the house as much as possible. It will get better, and you will be stronger for this.

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:32pm
Dear Julie,


******In the fall, he moved half way across the country to be near his children.****

Did he ever tell you that he was still married? Was he ever able to prove he wasn't? What were his excuses for moving across the country other than his children? Why was he always at your place? Didn't he have one of his own? Why was he in your town anyway? I am asking you all of these questions because a very large part of your story seems to be missing and just maybe these were the details HE conveniently left out....

I don't doubt that he didn't fall in love with you. I also don't doubt that he HAD it planned to return home and reunite with his wife and kids. He just forgot to mention that part when he was so ga-ga over this NEW love affair.

The man took you for a ride, darling. I am so sorry for the pain he has caused you. You were very seriously duped. I hope you will be able to put this behind you and move on with your schooling and in time, it will all be behind you.

Hugs,

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:27pm
Yes, I thought the whole screen name thing was very weird and the profile too. First, there is a reason I'm pretty sure it was probably him in the im conversations. The first day, after I had started the conversation, I logged into a different messenger and it said he was logged in there too. So, and I know this was bad, I logged in with a different name he didn't know and said hi. Well, on that messenger it was him or at least it appeared to be. The answers to the questions I asked all seemed to fit for it being him. Anyway, there was a point in the conversations where the response in each was in all CAPS, then they both went back to regular type. That is when I became convinced it was him on both. The only thing I can think about him pretending to be someone else is he really wanted to see how I was without having to have a real conversation with me.

The profile appearing with all of that detail just after the conversations on im... even more strange. Most people definitely don't include all that detail. That's why I think it was put there just for me to see. Right after I read it that day, he logged online and I sent an im that said "How could you let me find out this way?" and logged off. So he knew I read it. The whole thing is just very strange.

As far as ending the A. That decision was taken out of my hands. But I know, somewhere in my head, its probably for the best... just with my heart could get on board with that idea.

Thanks for your input... into my mess. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:39pm
Hi, I guess I left some parts out in an attempt not to turn my other post into a book. First things first, he wasn't still married. I have an official copy of his divorce decree along with a whole stack of stuff from his attorney.

Why was he in my town? He was a Navy guy, stationed here. He had his own place, we just always wanted to be together and it was easier to spend time here since all of my son's stuff was here. We'd spend days at his house sometimes, so I know it existed.

As for him leaving. It was his time to get out of the Navy. His whole family lives where he went to... parents, siblings, extended family. He had a job waiting for him there before I ever came into his life and there were no promising prospects here. He told me he would throw the job away and stay with me but he missed his children so much, how could I argue with that? I know what it would do to me to be that far away from my son for any length of time.

The new woman isn't his ex-wife. It is someone totally different. As far as I know, she is someone he met after he went back there. But as I'm typing that, I'm wondering if she could be an old schoolmate of his.... hmmm... but anyway... definitely not the ex.

So, yes, I am trying to go on with school and all that stuff... keep myself busy and everything. Some days are just really really hard.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:12pm
*****He was a Navy guy, stationed here*****

Julie,

I'm so sorry he did this to you. Sounds to me like Mr. Navy may have had a sweetheart waiting for him to come back home so she could get her hands on him. Men are SO simple. That song, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with" plays through my head as I type this.

I can bet that He really did fall for you but once he realized he was breaking up a marriage and family, he decided to close that door and RUN. Unfortunately, he forgot to mention it to you. I would presume it was the guilt he was wallowing in to, and ended it because he was too much of a coward to face you, after all you had laid on the line for him.

Be grateful you never told your husband and chalk it up to a beautiful "summer" love affair and "Let it go." Now you must decide if you want to save your marraige or strike out on your own with your child. I raised 3 kids alone, and it was NO picnic, so consider you options very carefully before you make any life altering decisions.

I just ended a 4 year affair, and know it will take at least a year before I could even think about being with another man. They take what they want, and discard the rest. You're going to be alright...you made a mistake. Learn from it and move on.

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:01am
Hi, thanks so much for you post. You pretty much laid out what I keep telling myself. I do have to confess that I did do a little more detective work, pretending to be someone else, and got him to admit that "he wasn't strong enough to be with me and wasn't man enough to admit it." My son has a form of autism and apparently that was more than he could deal with... he said it would hurt to much to watch him struggle in life. But he said that he loved me very much and he always would (which completely contradicts his actions of late, unless of course he is just a wimp like you assume.). Of course, this is what he admitted to this person I have created. And I know, it probably wasn't very nice to create a screen name and use it that way, but I was so desparate for answer I just couldn't help myself.

In my heart, I am trying very hard just to remember the good times with him and what a special beautiful time in my life it was. That's how I want to remember things between us. Kind of reminds me of that song "Strawberry Wine."

As for the husband, I am so glad he doesn't know... even though I think he may know something... but not the extent. I am trying very hard to come to a decision. I just don't want to stay somewhere that I have been so miserable solely because of this huge hole I have in my heart right now. But at the same time, I am absolutely scared to death of being on my own. With my sons needs, I can't work full time and I know it would be SOOO hard to be on my own with him... but that's a whole other issue.

Anyway, thanks for you words of advice. I will think long and hard.

Julie