Dying inside

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
Dying inside
7
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 10:53pm

It's been a while since xap and I ended things. I know I lost him a long time ago with the way he treated me, we had a big fight and I deleted my email account. A mutual friend of ours sent him an email a few weeks ago and found out he closed his account also. I don't know why this makes me so sad. A part of me wants him to recognize what he is losing and call me but I know deep down inside that will never happen, that what we had was not reality. I don't understand what is wrong with me.  He treated me like crap and i couldn't take it anymore so I quit but I wanted him to fight for me instead he deleted his account as well. I even begged him to call me and tell me how he felt about me but he never did. If what we had wasn't real then why do I hurt so much? Why do I feel like I am dying inside? I know this is an ending board and I am really trying, some days I feel so strong to have made the decision to stop the madness and other days I feel like I am suffocating because I don't underhand why he couldn't fight for me. The fact that he also deleted his email makes me face the finality of it all and I don't know if I can handle it. I find myself thinking about his actions and the fact that he deleted his email, did that mean I WAS the only one and now that I am not in his life anymore he doesn't need it? I want time to fast forward so I can be over him. I think about how happy he must be with his wife and kids and don't understand why I couldn't be a part of his life too. I know it isn't because he has decided to be faithful so why wasn't I good enough? I hate this feeling, I am so confused right now, I miss him as much as I hate him. Why is that? Why can't I just let him go? Why do I want him to miss me? I know everyone says this was not real but I loved him and all I ever wanted was for him to treat me like he felt something for me and he didn't. He was so mean to me and I never understood why because all I wanted was to please him. I feel like I am dying inside. Please don't pile on me also. I needed someplace to share this pain, I want to scream so loud, I want to bang on the walls and cry my heart out. I want this pain to stop 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: lapoflux
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 11:34pm

I'm sorry.......but you did NOT love him.  You "loved" what you wanted him to be.  He obviously didn't love you, because if he did, he would have given up his family to be with you.  He probably liked you well enough but what he "loved' was your availability, and he didn't respect you!  You can't (or don't want) to give him up because you built your whole life around him.  Now you don't have a life, and you'll have to rebuild what you had before he came along.  Something you can do to fill your time is look for an old book called "Back Street" by Fannie Hurst.  It's the story of a mistress who doesn't realize until she's an old lady that she was NOTHING to the man but a sex partner, and that she will die alone while HE is a respected husband and father!  He "treated you like crap" so you ended it......good for you!  You wanted him to fight for you?  Well, I guess you got your answer, you weren't that important to him! 

 

You have a choice now.  You can continue to "die inside".......in other words, wallow in your misery, or you can choose to accept the fact that he didn't really care anything about you, and then get going and start rebuilding your life.   There are a lot of decent and single men out there......and now that you're rid of the leech that was sucking the life out of you, you might be able to find a REAL man who will respect you and treat you like a woman who deserves his love!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2013
In reply to: lapoflux
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 10:08am

I understand your need for an outlet to share your pain. Even though the relationship was one that was built on lies and it seems like he certainly did not value you...the emotions tied to the experience are real. As a result, there is a process you must go through. Unfortunately the only things that help with this are being honest with yourself and time. I'd be happy to share my experience, or be a friendly ear. Take care...and please realize this does NOT define you unless you let it.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
In reply to: lapoflux
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 10:45am

I don't know your story, but what you're feeling seems reasonable to me.  You had a relationship, you were in love or at least had strong feelings for him, he treated you badly so you said good-bye, and since he hasn't bothered to try to get you back, you now realize that he treated you badly because he didn't feel for you the way you felt for him.  That would make anyone feel awful, regardless of whether it was an affair or a regular romance.  I'm sure almost all of us can relate to it.

You ask why you do you want him to miss you - obviously, so that you wouldn't feel so used!  By not missing you, indeed by every indication that he is perfectly fine with your breaking up with him, he's showing you that he doesn't care that you're not there anymore.  I don't know why anyone would pile on you for feeling crappy over that.  We've all loved someone who didn't love us back.

I'm not sure why people would say your relationship wasn't real - you had one, whether it was above-board or not - so it's natural to mourn it.  Unfortunately the reality is that it was a *lousy* relationship in which you kept trying to please someone who didn't care about you.  Do what you need to do to make yourself feel like a valued human being, and you will eventually stop wishing that this jerk will come back to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
In reply to: lapoflux
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 10:58am
I am sorry for your pain. It is very real. It is hard to let go of someone you care for. Have you read your letter? You sound like you are grasping at straws to hold onto a one-sided relationship. Is that all out of life that you want? A married man who has moved on? He may have been relieved to get in a fight with you so that things could end or he treated you poorly hoping you would tire of it and move on, but you didn't. Please, realize that there is more out there and you can find someone who you can please that will do the same for you. A marriage is between 2 people and there is no room for you to be in his. Read what you wrote, as if someone else wrote it. What do you think? Do not try to contact him, stay busy and give yourself time to heal. It is a slow process, but eventually the pain will begin to fade.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
In reply to: lapoflux
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 11:05am
I hope you don't feel like I was being harsh. I didn't mean to come across that way. I know you are hurting and I hope you will begin to feel better soon. Tell yourself that you deserve better until you believe it...then go and find it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2011
In reply to: lapoflux
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 11:45pm

Thank you all for your response. I understand the need to be real about how he treated me and what I meant to him.  But how do I get pass feelinb like I can't breathe when I think about him? somedays I go without thinking about him at all and then either days my emotions change by the minute. My mind wonders and I literally find myself grasping for air almost like I forgot to breathe. So I'm struggling with this not being real when everything I feel is real. Am I going crazy???

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Sat, 05-25-2013 - 4:31pm

How are you doing today, Lapoflux?

I think what you are going through is a normal part of the grieving process.  One minute, we are cool as a cucumber, next minute our emotions are knocking us for a loop and knocking the wind out of us.  Doing some deep breathing exercises can help get your breathing back to normal and get yourself centered.  3 slow breaths...inhale and exhale...3 times will help.

I think, too, that every relationship we experience is real.  The relationship, itself, may be based solely on fantasy, but it will elicit real emotions...so don't feel badly about that.

Try not to place too much of your focus on what motivated JAM (thats just a man, if you are new around here) and focus more on yourself to stay the course of your recovery and healing journey.

I hope you are doing better today, and please post in to let us know how you are doing and any time you need support.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board