The early heady days
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The early heady days
| Tue, 07-20-2010 - 8:47am |
Hi
Im trying to build strength to join you EASers. In the interim can I ask you something that is really holding me back?
When the A started and it was all loving and romantic

Hi IGS -
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One word: reality. All relationships start out with romance and love and pie in the sky ideals. Then reality happens.
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We all want to believe that our AP's have genuine feelings for us. And on a certain level, they do. BUT, when a person really cares for you, they will love you openly.
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One second at a time :)
Bodhi
Hi, Stronger-
I feel ya. I was one of those Enders who actually liked my X and didn't have any real A-ending issues with him when we ended it. Ending the A only because it was the right thing to do, with no anger or malice to bolster me was difficult. I missed the A and the X like crazy. And you will, too. But, you will see, as I did, that once the fog clears, you will view your A and your X in an entirely new light. In the light of day, and truth, clarity sinks in and it becomes impossible to wax all romantical over the whole sordid affair. You will look back with a new vision and wonder how you EVER could have been so self-duped. You will yearn for those 'heady' feelings for a while because they are addictive, but you will be able to properly label those feelings as such and not as some soulmatey BS.
Stronger, healing only comes, clarity only comes, when you remove yourself from the source of your addiction. Just remember this, ALL affairs end. How it ends and when can be up to you -- and how much collateral damage is caused is also up to you. Do you want to have your hand forced through a D-day in order to end it? Do you need to destroy other people before you see the fatal flaws of the affair? Sure, you have now all these lovey dovey feelings, but you have ZERO right to them. You do not have the right to do what you're doing to the innocent people who will be forever scarred by your selfish actions. It sort of takes the shine off the A if you remind yourself that every time you feel entitled to those feelings you you're offending God, the Universe, and willfully, wantonly and deliberately sacrificing other people to get what you want. And, for me, it was helpful to also remember that I actually _cared_ about the life and soul of my X and I was, in the A, an active agent in destroying his life, family, and his integrity by allowing him to act from his most base, damaged self.
Having to learn to live without your addiction to those heady feelings is difficult, but the alternative is sooooooo much worse.
I hope you'll find your motivation soon.
Best,
Dee
hello, and welcome to EAS.
ask yourself this question: thinking about the course of your life, every relationship you've ever been in, don't you always yearn for the "honeymoon" period? and doesn't it always fade? and if you can think about to your first heartbreak, high school or college or whenever it was, didn't you feel like you'd never get over it?
A's are different, absolutely. the grief and pain are private and intense. but what is similar to all other romantic relationships is this 1)the beginning always feels good, but never lasts and 2)you WILL move on.
the feelings between 2 APs may be genuine in so far as you really do care for each other, but they are feelings bred in captivity, overshadowed from the start by the guilt and shame of it all. "real love" is more pure and genuine and open. i know that sounds weird and abstract, but its how i've come to understand my own experience.
you'll miss the beginniung, for sure. but that happens in any relationship, and when the beginning ends, there is supposed to be something strong that carries things forward. in an A, there is no 9opportunity to lay that foundation, so it fizzles out inevitably.
good luck, hope we can help you here :)
Hi IGS
The early heady days never stopped for xAP and I, we proclaimed our love for each other, sort of planned a future together, BUT with hindsight ( and still foggy at that) it was all in a bubble, a fantasy, a fog and when push comes to shove maybe we take the path of least resistence, or maybe when really pushed to the brink as i was, we finally realise what we should have valued in our lives all along, that family and stability should always come first.
And after an inevitable DDay,
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Thanks all :)
Hi Stronger