EASers when does it disappear

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
EASers when does it disappear
8
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 7:33pm

Hi everyone - I'm 13 days NC - and although I do not want to and will not contact XAP I want to know how you're all feeling re XAPs.


I want to know why I still miss him, when will there be a day when I don't think about him for what seems like every single second of the day?


When will I stop romanticising things, or most importantly when will I get rid of any hope that he's going to come begging me to be his... when I know deep down, I don't want to be his.. he and I wouldn't last a week as a couple.


I suppose I want reassurance that although I know I'm doing the right thing... when will I feel like it's the right thing.


I want my life back.


I'm finding it so tough this week.


PL :( xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 7:55pm

Patience, Grasshopper. Patience.

You're going to have to make friends with this discomfort. It's part of the growing process.

You know you're doing the right thing, how you "feel" about it is not really all that important. You'll feel better in due time, probably once you learn that 'feeling' and 'emotionalizing' without the benefit of discipline, restraint and wisdom got you into this mess in the first place.

Find your peace in your true self and true center.

Love,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 8:02pm

pikulou,


I wish that I could give you a timeline or better yet, a check off list that you could use as a sign that you are on your way to forgetting. But unfortunately, no GPS exists over here in A land. There are no maps, no street signs, only you finding and searching for your way to healing. But you are never alone. You may think its easy to get lost on the road to recovery but rest assured, you have MANY, MANY wise women here that will help point the way for you.


What I can tell you is that it takes awhile for the toxicity of the A to leave your system. NC is the detox that pushes it all out. I just posted earlier today how what a difference

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 8:12pm

Dee is right on as usual and is so good at catching those flies with her chopsticks. Patience is something that my Type A personality just doesnt have but this A detox showed me that I need to sit back and let it runs it course.


It does run its course and rest assured there are no wax on, wax off lessions but you just might be instructed to stand on one foot, on a log, on a beach or a sand the floor

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:12pm

<>

Isn't that the truth, Dee? I'm learning to live with the discomfort, knowing that it is not going to stick around forever.

But for now, whatever discomfort I feel is WAY better than the pain of the actual affair.

Love,
Angel

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 8:58am

Wise advice from those who have BTDT.


I

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 10:58am

Thank you all for your kind words and support, yet again ;).


Today feels slightly better, but the hope is still there.. although I did the cutting off, if I was XAP on the receiving end, I'd be deeply hurt - and wouldn't even dare come back...


I wish there was a timeline. No-one broke my heart like my first love... many years back, if I can get over that, I'll get over this.


I hate the mental arguments I have with myself.


But thanks to you all -

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 12:38pm

Pikulou I get it. I am mm who had a S AP. She wanted to spend a little more time that I could give her. I pushed her away and after 4 months, she found someone else. The pain is incredible. Maybe if I knew their was some kind of hope, I could hang onto that but their is none. I'm not sure who is in a worst spot, you or me. My AP did want to leave but because I am M, I just did not want to get caught. Now that she gone with no hope coming back, it hurts real bad.


Worst, my W does not know about the affair but she knows I am in a deep depression. I told her it was because I can't and find a job (laid off last year and currently in school#. She knows thats not the truth but accepts it because for the last 3 years, I was happy as a child in a candy store. I can't for my W to go to work because all I do is cry, then cry some more, and then cry one last time before she comes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:49pm

Pikulou-

As the others have said, there is no timeline; we all heal at our own rate, but I can tell you from reading here and elsewhere, that time cannot do it alone. Sure, the passing of time will put more space between you and the A, but if you are not putting energy into exploring why you took part in an A in the first place and addressing those issues, your healing will be slower. For me, posting here, going to counseling, and discussing everything openly with my H really helped my healing. I also found a couple email buddies from this board who started the journey around the same time. Together, we supported each other through the low times, offered up doses of some tough love and kept each other accountable. Just ending an A is the first step, but you have lots of work ahead of you if you really want to recover. What you are feeling is natural, but I want you to remember that you have a choice. You have a choice how you let anyone affect you. You have a choice whether or not you are happy. This is all on you now. No more looking to outside sources to fill you up. The filling must come from you. Good luck.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/