The ebb and flow of heartbreak

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
The ebb and flow of heartbreak
9
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 6:00pm

As most of you know, I had a hard few days two weeks ago when my xMM’s birthday came around. Since then, I’ve been feeling pretty even keel, just some occasional malaise.

Today, I was abruptly thrust back into the post-A gloom. A good friend, and the only other person on earth who knows about the A, applied for a job with my company. We had a nice, catching up chat and then she asked about xMM.

I had avoided giving her all the grisly details because I just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. For two-and-a-half years, all I talked about was him, all I worried about was him, all my emotional well-being was wrapped up in him. So, she asked some questions, I spilled the beans and relived just too much.

So this afternoon I’m having the threatening tears — which I haven’t had for a while — and that sick pit-of-the-stomach longing to hear from him.

I’ve been lurking on the board today and I’m having the same thoughts as Anna, Mere and others. How, HOW can he just walk away and never be seen or heard from again? How could he claim to love me so much that he couldn’t live without me, only to turn around and eliminate me from his life without a second thought? How can he never wonder how I’m doing, or miss me so much that he just calls to hear my voice.

Now, eight weeks into NC, I’m glad he hasn’t called me. I’m not the strongest at turning him away. I just wish I knew how he did it – how did he make the feelings go away? And could he teach me how to get rid of HIM so quick, cause baby, this “time heals all" bullsh*t is getting old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 6:22pm

Hi Shel.
It is Bul@&%!%
I hope that you feel better later on.......you are doing so good.

And I hate that I will never really know why he stopped calling after the comment he made about everything for him being so horrible and he was misserable.......and he wanted to come over and crawl into bed with me and hold me.........then no call came again.

Oh - I am sure that in time when I am together with all the friends - xMM and I will speak - Thing is, he has always been honest with me. Every grizzly detail he told me that his W had done or he had done- she confirmed at "our" lunch.
Things that are hard for a guy to admit - not having IC for 667 days!!!!!!! Buying a House with his W a little over 2 years ago and that they have NEVER even kissed in that house - not good bye, hello - nothing. And he ended our A to "pursue a D and to help her find a reason to keep living........." WHATEVER

So if I ask him why he has not contacted me - he will tell me - but I have to see him to do it..........and if I see his face - alone - he will know that I am heartbroken. I am pretty darn freakin sure that he knows that my heart is crushed.

Maybe they really dont forget us.......maybe they do think about us and miss us, and during IC (probably mostly when they IC alone!) I am sure we pop into their heads then.
Maybe they do cry. Maybe they do long and pine for us - but deal with the loss differently?
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe they dont. Thats the fear that creeps into my head more and more -

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 8:22pm

Shel,

Ok, you really need to get out of my head - we need to stop living the same life ;-)

I am having the EXACT same thoughts. It has only been 2 weeks of NC for me, and I am having such a hard time. It's not so much that i want to talk to him, as I want to know that HE wants to talk to ME! xOM once told me that I had become one of the most important people in his life and NO MATTER WHAT he didn't want that to ever change...but then it did. I'm not ANYTHING in his life now.

I don't understand how I went from being the person he wanted to spend his life with, to the person he wanted to spend the night with, and now, nothing at all. It sucks, and it hurts and I hate it.

I wish I didn't care. I wish it didn't matter, but it does. I hate crying over him, and I hate that he still has my heart. I hate that I still think about him. I hate that he is still my first and last thought of the day. I hate that I still can't listen to our song w/o crying. I hate that I want to hate him, but don't.

<<>> AMEN SISTER!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 10:05am

<<>>

Diva, I'm there with you, honey.

Breathe

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 10:16am

"this “time heals all" bullsh*t is getting old. "....You said it girl. I've known XOM for four years and I've loved him every day of it. We tried NC many times, and I don't think it ever got easier.

I think that most men know how to turn emotions off like a faucet, it doesn't mean that they aren't hurting. They just handle things differently so the NC is easier for them. They tend to throw themselves into work or into their hobbies and they anesthesize themselves that way. I know that sounds like a stereotypical comment and it doesn't apply to all men, but it is a theory of mine. My XOM told me that he was better at NC then I was because he could compartmentalize...Whatever that means.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 10:50am

Diva,

The similarities are scary sometimes! If I didn't know your guy is single, I'd assume it was the same guy and then maybe I could hate him!

If only I didn't remember those sweet nothings he used to whisper in my ear. He once told me that it was ridiculous that we were married to other people, when it was so obvious we should be together, and we should do something about it. Yet, when I offered him the chance to have me for himself--he bolted like a scared rabbit.

And stupid, silly little me, I'm the one who cries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:29am

Shel,

<<>>

Don't I know it!! That would make hating him SO much easier!!

I too have been having a hard time with the memories lately. I remember the 7:30am Good Morning emails he sent me everyday...I loved those - they made getting up in the morning exciting. Oh - I want to hate him right now!!! 2 weeks today w/ NC. Last night I got a call on my cell around 8pm from a blocked number. I didn't answer it. My best friend is the only person I know (besides me) who has a blocked #, but she would have left a message and this person didn't. You know in my mind I'm pretending it was him (instead of the wrong # that it probably was). I know that's wrong, but it makes me feel just the tiniest bit better...

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:33pm

Do you know what the worst part is? And I know I might catch some crap for this, but if he showed up on my doorstep, begging me to take him back, I seriously cannot say I wouldn't.

Pathetic has a new name and it is me! I guess I should be happy that at least I know my weaknesses, and as long as he doesn't show up on the doorstep, I won't have to worry about it.

I'm asking for a spine for Christmas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 1:51pm

Ok - we MUST be related!! I am right there with ya, honey! As much hurt as he has caused me and as much as I SHOULD hate him, I can't say I wouldn't go running back if he wanted me (why else would I meet him at 3am when he tells me he just wants me for sex??).

You want to hear about pathetic?? Ok - I'm gonna come clean w/ this...I talked to a pyschic! I don't know what I wanted or expected to hear, but what I did hear totally f*#ked me up - she said xOM & I would 'unexpectedly' reunite in Feb '05! Wait, wait...it gets worse - she ALSO said I would end up filing for divorce from my H in mid '05 and moving in w/ xOM!!!!

I know it's ridiculous, but this stupid crap is in my head now and I just can't help but thinking....what if she's right???

I think I need to trade in my broken heart for a brain that works!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:01pm

"I guess I should be happy that at least I know my weaknesses, and as long as he doesn't show up on the doorstep, I won't have to worry about it."

Hey, I'm with ya on that too. Which is why I told him not to call me. It's not that I can't handle a phone call from him, it's just that if he were to say "meet me for lunch", I know I couldn't say no. So this way, there's no temptation. I'm also in the process of looking for a new job, getting away from the reminders and the temptation will help see to it that the forward motion I've begun, keeps moving in that direction.

I can admit it too, my weakness is seeing his eyes and hearing his voice...if I don't have that, I can get thru the rest :)

I'll be talkin to Santa too!