On the edge of letting go

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
On the edge of letting go
10
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:11pm

I have been lurking here for quite sometime, I am standing on the edge of letting go and I have been here for awhile, weekends are always the hardest. I have tried to let it go several times, I have even asked that we take a break and I have tried to do this mentally in my own mind. The minute I see him I wonder how something so wrong can feel so damn right? I want to believe the promises, and I want to believe that I am worthy of a love this exciting, I wasn't even looking for it and it found me. I have so much as promised him to wait a year for him to come to a decision, his only worry is financial since there are no children and I can understand this in realistic terms......He talks to me and I can hear the sincerity in his voice and I see it in his eyes, sometimes he is just as overwhelmed by the emotions of all this as I am, he has done this before yet he never got so caught up with the wealth of feelings that he is now experiencing...
I am a SOW who always has been independant and never relied on a man for anything, I have always been strong willed and thought I would never ever settle for a MM. We have both been in this A for 8months. So why am I having such a hard time walking completely away and getting the place I was before him?

Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:47pm

Answering your last question first:


"So why am I having such a hard time walking completely away and getting the place I was before him?"


I think it's because MM has just enough of what you're looking for in a permanent partner that you've been willing to settle for part time and have something in hand than have no time and nothing in hand.


The truth is there is no perfect "right time financially" to end a marriage. BTDT. You end the marriage because the marriage needs to end for whatever reasons and then you ACT on that decision, not sit on a fence with someone willing to help you stay in the marriage and on the fence.


Your intuition is trying to tell you something that ahs been glaringly obvious to you for a while. Listen to your intuition and end the affair. You already told yourself and us in your post:


"I am standing on the edge of letting go and I have been here for awhile, weekends are always the hardest. I have tried to let it go several times, I have even asked that we take a break and I have tried to do this mentally in my own mind."


I think you're in denial. You know affairs are unhealthy and wrong for you. For a variety of reasons. And you've been trying to convince yourself it's OK to stay, even though your intuition is SCREAMING at you to GET OUT. YOU DESERVE BETTER FROM LIFE.


So stop denying the truth.


You're worth a full time commitment from someone who is available to you full time without any lies. Nothing less.


Get out.


If MM is really serious about a life with you he'll do whatever it takes to have that life with you ASAP. Period.


I did it myself. And every MM knows they can do it if that is their life choice. Just like they did when they chose to get married. Or involved in an affair. They know.


Not easy to do. Just something you do. Act on the choice and step into the decision.....


Good luck,


cl-nre


P.S. Since you're new to the board, welcome. In case you can't tell from my post, I am male. And a former affair participant for 17 years. My details are in the archives....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 4:27pm

"If MM is really serious about a life with you he'll do whatever it takes to have that life with you ASAP. Period."

How can you be so sure of this? I tried to research the archives to find your story but all I did get was your responses to others, which I found very intelligent and informative if brutally honest at times (and I am needing a little of that). My gut instinct tells me he is not ready to leave his marriage of 16 years because of the comfort zone, and I need to be ready for him not to come back ever if I do this. You are right about my intuition telling me to get out and I have tried many ways, I do not want to back him into a corner or force him to come to some kind of decision, how do I do this politely? I promised him a year yet we are only 2 months into that year, how do I go back on my word now?

Can you guide me in the right direction to finding your story, I appreciate the mans point of view on this and I see that you have no regrets ever, so imagine you came to a very big decision and I am wondering if it came easy for you?

Thank you for the kind welcome

Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 4:45pm

<<>>

Would you leave your job and move to another state where you knew no one for mm?
Would you give up your home/apt to move in with him in another state/country where you know no one?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you want a life with him. He, unfortunately, is answering no. Leaving a job is easy compared to leaving a marriage. Leaving your life is more what its like. You have to dissolve everything you've built over your lifetime together. You lose an entire family that has accepted you as their own (in some cases). You sometimes lose friends that you had made together.

That's a big leap to make.

You may be ready, but he may not be. How long did you say you've been with him? I know you said 2 months in the post below, but is that the total time you've been together?

Its a rough ride, and no words from anyone here are going to make that ride less bumpy. Good luck, sweetie.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 4:57pm

Sunshine

I understand the enormous task of leaving a marriage, I was once upon a time married also, yet I was single when I met him. I did not ask him to leave it is his decision to do so, and when he told me this I said I would not sit around and wait for him forever. We have been together a little over 8 months. I am not completely sure of the outcome wether I wait the year or not, he talks of a future together but he has no definite plans, I feel as if I am waiting for something that will never happen, and I am looking for the truth as it smacks me in the face time and time again.....It isnt an easy ride regardless of which way I go.

Thanks it looks like I need lots of luck,

Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 5:08pm

imagine,

it seems like MM is having his cake and eat it also, im am sorry, i know u are in pain but u said it yourself, u are an independent person and dont need someone , so why not do this

let him go and if he ever comes back to u as a single person then it is good, other than that u need to move on, why are u putting your life on hold for him, i know fopr now nothing makes sense, i too thought i would wait, sit and wait for OW, but it all depends on your priorities in life

if u wait what will u do, lets be practical, u will be like a spare time to him, at the end of the day he goes home to the wife not u, if u can take this and live with it then good for u but if u cannot, the pain will eat u from the inside out

u said he is not ready to leave, he wont leave, if he would he would have already left a long time ago and be with u

u have to make your own decisions , are u married, do u have kids ?, i dont remember at all sorry, but if u do, concentrate on them, your kids, if u r divorce then find someone who can spend thier time with u and will make u their priority, MM will never be able to spend time with u , not as much

look deep inside yourself, i feel your pain, i am like u, i am single, male, affair with OW, she said she will be with me but in the end she choose to stay, she told me not to wait, if your MM has a bit of sense and honor and respect left in him, he would let u go

welcome to the board, pls take care of yourself, no one will take care of you but you

max

im sorry if i am harsh, but i dont want to you to feel the pain, i know how hard it is, i work with OW everyday, i see her and it hurts like hell, but sometimes we have to make a choice, right or wrong u have to make a choice, u still can love MM , but for now u have to love yourself first, i hope i make sense

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 5:16pm

First, your situation, then a synopsis of mine...


You promised him a year and now it's 2 months along. OK. So what REAL progress has there been? Should be some by now...


As an advocate of keeping one's promises, your situation presents me with a dilemma.


You're in a pinch, though. Personal integrity is that you've promised a year. Breaking your promise compromises your sense of integrity and your word. IMO, there's nothing wrong with asking (politely) what he's doing to bring you two together. Or apart. And stress to him you expect him to be honest with you because the 1 year thing is a real deadline and you are outta there at the end of a year. If it takes him a few more months than that to wrap up the last of loose ends, you'll already know that because the only thing that could make any delay in a divorce is it being contentious. He can at least move out and get the process moving....


As to me.....


I had long term (over 1 year in length) serial affairs for 17 years. Strictly a two woman person during that time, no additional cheating (just wife and AP). They all knew I wasn't leaving my marriage. I made that clear at thebeginning of the relationships. Some were single women. Some were married. Most remained friends or at least friendly even though I don't keep up contact with them any longer except the last OW. I married her. While there was sex involved with my affair partners, sex at home was very good too. The emotional side of the marriage was what fed my urge for looking outside. Despite all the MC. SO I had my own set of justifications for being in affairs rather than ending a marriage that at its core was emotionally abusive. I sat on a fence, telling myself that I could wait until the kids got "old enough". Guess what: there

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 5:56pm

Thank you for taking the time and sharing your story. I see alot of similarities yet the stories are different. I am also a big advocate to keeping promises and he knows this, he probably is counting on it. I have thought about asking for a progress report on the situation every 3 months, 3, 6, 9, and 12, I don't want to seem pushy I just want to know that he is taking this seriously. I have learned alot here this night, thank you for your kind words and understanding.

"isten to your intuition. You already know you don't want to be a second fiddle anymore. You don't need to make demands. Simply ask for real progress reports, with paper copies and stop by that apartment MM has moved into on his own."

Stay open to date requests from already single guys.

Because you're single.

AND you count.

First.

I plan on taking this advice,even if I am afraid of the answers I am going to find, sometimes we just need to see it in black and white.

Thank you again,
Imagine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 8:38pm

>>" he has done this before yet he never got so caught up with the wealth of feelings that he is now experiencing..."<<<

And you know this how ?? Because he told you so, Sorry but as any of the married people on this board can atest to be a married cheater you have to be an able and willing LIAR and be prepared to manipulate other people to get what you want and to keep what you have.

JMHO

FREE




Edited 3/20/2005 9:51 pm ET ET by mefreenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:02pm

You're welcome.....and while you're at it, you may gain some additional insight from perusing my profile if you haven't done so already.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:14pm
Ok take it from me a person that is M and having an A and tells the OM that I am waiting for the right time, that I need to do this and do that....I am lying to him. I don't want to leave my H. Or he won't leave her for another W, the guilt is unreal no matter your feelings for your spouse, even if you hated them you still don't want to leave them for another. My advise, let him go, if he leaves her it's b/c he is unhappy with her and didn't leave her for you. If he leaves her for you he will hold resentment for you even thought he would never tell you that. You can still be together if he leaves her on his own terms. If not then it was not meant to be!!