Eerie Calmness

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Eerie Calmness
1
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:28am
Update for all of you on my situation: DH went to counseling on Monday and although he didn't tell me anything he did make another appt for next wk. I went to my IC on Tuesday, I was totally wiped out after and it was tough, I got home and DH got called into work. While he was getting ready for work, I packed his lunch (which I never do) and got his things ready for him. I walked him to the door and said goodbye, it all feels very strange and foreign, akward but at the same time since Monday there has been an eerie calmness in our house. Last night I got home from work, we hardly talked and I spent most of my time in our room with DD, then I went downstairs, he still didn't want to talk (even about everyday things) so I said I was going upstairs to read. DH never came to bed and around 2 this morning I went downstairs and he was sleeping on the couch. He came to bed after my alarm went off this morning before the kids were up.

So I went to the M counselor this morning before work. Right now she is going to see us individually a few times and then bring us together. Turns out that H didn't tell her what he has been telling me, the fact that he is only going to counseling to help me accept and deal with things, which she said could mean that he realizes that he does need the help of a counselor. Also he never told her that he had feelings for someone else (I told her about our conversation on Sunday). Neither counselor thinks I should say anything to this person. Maybe because I am dealing with things in IC but I was able to talk with her without really crying. I felt very comforted talking to her, she has explained (to DH too) that she is going to try and open up the communication between us and get to the issues because no matter what happens between us we have to both recognize the issues we have, both personally and together. She has told us both that 11 yrs of M plus the years before and 2 kids are just too much to just throw away without understanding everything and making an informed decision.

Free, I might as well pay you to be my counselor because both of them have said most of the same things you have told me and both of them have stressed to me PATIENCE. The M counselor says that she can see the hurt on H's face and she knows he has internalized his feelings, and given his job (which is high stress) is only going to cause him health problems. SO I left counseling with a spark of hope but I know PATIENCE and one day at a time. I realize that there are no guarantees that this is going to work for us but I have to believe that it will, I am fighting for my life. Now both counselors say we have to work on me being able to eat and sleep so that I am able to cope better, they both have expressed concern regarding these issues but they both also think that continuing counseling and learning things and dealing with them will help.

Both counselors have said I must go to that wedding on Sat. with DH but that I have to be prepared (they both gave me their cell #'s if I need them). Maybe this calmness is just me. It just feels really weird like something is going to happen but I am still plugging along, what choice do I have. The M counselor asked about my feelings towards xOM today and without hesitation (which kind of surprised me) I told her that I have not had any contact with him since the day after H confronted me and I will never again and he has so far honored that. I told her that nothing in this world is more important to me than DH and I would never do anything again to jeopardize things with him again. Then she asked me what my feelings for DH were (which I thought was a little strange) but I told her he is my life, he is part of me, I love him with everything I am. I told her that NOTHING is worth anything in my life if I don't have him next to me.

So that is where I am. I feel alright right now but I know it is far from being near a decision. Yes I realize this is going to take time, lots of time. I have to get thru these feelings of being alone and isolated, I have to accept what I have done (which I think I have) and try to move forward. Thank you to everyone for their continued support, without all of you I wouldn't be doing as well as I am today.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 4:03pm
HI Daf

Hon let me give you a peace of advice, if your IC or MC says something and I say something different do what they say there the Pros.

The C interest in your feelings about XMM are important, I think they need to know were you stand, if you have mixed feelings or loyalties. You have to consider that you are making these statments about how your husband completes you but 2 months ago you were stepping out on him, they need to know were you really stand and way.

Guarantees comemwith toasters not life, but I can guaranty if you quit you can't win, there's only one way to come out the other side of this and that is to go through it eventualy I believe you and your husband will start to go through it together but that is going to take time and yes patience.

Daf time can be your friend, every day that you and hubby stay under the same roof every visit to the MC every day you can bite your tongue and not push your husband or pry in to his private visits to the MC is a small step away from the edge of the cliff.

There is a biblical saying I always try to remember it goes" be as wise as a serpant but as harmless as a dove" that is how you must deal with your husband.

Hang in there kiddo

Free