The elusive happily ever after
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| Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:49pm |
I have a couple of Q's for ya all.
How many of you were promised a happily ever after??
How many of you hung up the phone after a conversation with x feeling confused or hurt because you were told what you know you heard wasnt really what he said or meant?
How many of you pride yourself in knowing that you are an intelligent,solid,secure individual,but by being in the A you turned into or felt like a stupid,desperate,insecure individual???
I know alot of deep thinking, but that is what I did this weekend in my nice hot bubble bath, I thought back on the past 4 years and what impact it had on me, and the one thing that keeps replaying is the promise made to me (with tears and all)that I make him the happiest man and we were meant to be. The thing that I cant wrap my brain around is how can you look someone in the eyes and promise a happily ever after if you know you will never make good on that promise??? It just makes me so mad for being so vulnerable.
thanks
onthegochick

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Hi,
I was not made a promise - it was put this way:
"Things would be different if we were not married. There is so much I want to do with you and cant - like have you meet my parents, go out and have people know we are together...etc. I cant treat you the way I want to and show you how I really feel about you because you are not mine. I dont know about the future - I do want to be with you...but I have to fix my situation, and so do you.....but when we are free it would not matter that we are all friends because we would not be married to other people".
So - even when we last spoke last Monday after over a month of NC.....He was really misserable and sad. He misses me. But he is dealing with his situation and working on getting his W to agree to a amlicable divorce.
I know that he wants to be with me - or really did even after we ended it - but our circumstances are different. I dont know if it is possible to promise a life together when our cirle of friends is so close.
He let me know what he wants - and that he does want a life with me - but he was honest in saying that he does not know the future.........
I told him I would always feel the same way for him - and that I would do what I needed to do to fix my life - but that I would not live with the fantasy that we would end up together........
I guess it depends upon the man. And it depends upon if they are really getting Divorces....and then its up to us.
Do we REALLY want someone who cheated on their W???
Did we really only love the excitement and all the plus's of the A?
I wasn't made any promises. I have been reduced to nothingness...or so it seems. I read everyone's story and think to myself, "is something wrong with me that he wasn't even willing to make false promises?" Is that crazy or what? Who the hell am I...what happened to me? So do I be thankful I was never promised a future? Does it make it harder to let go?
SS
Thanks for the reply annakarena,
I know, they say if he cheats with you on his wife he will eventually cheat on you. And yes it was thrilling to have a handsome man other than my husband to make me feel that I was a Queen. But the point that I am trying to make is, if someones out to have fun and play around dont make these elusive promise's. Dont make promises at all. But as they say also Why would I trust a Man who cheats on his wife???
Thanks onthegochick
Sunshine,
consider yourself one of the lucky ones!! I wasnt looking to change my life when we started our A, just needed some attention that I wasnt getting on the homefront. He was the one who first said I love you, and he was the one who sucked me further in with promises of this spectacular life together. Nothing in life is easy and heartache is heartache no matter the circumstances.
onthegochick
You know -
Most of these guys I think really really did care for us - and did want to be with us.
I know that mine did - but so many circumstances and having a W that refused to sign papers and threatened to kill herself.....bla bla bla....
It was too much. We could not be together the way we had been - living together in secret for 3 months.........we did what ever we could to be able to hold eachother every night. If she was extra crazy and saying she was coming over or calling and hanging up constantly fighting...we would go to a hotel and we would rent it out for 2 or 3 days.....it was not just sex. We wanted to be together - but what we ALWAYS said was we wanted to be NORMAL......and god knows that when you are in an A...nothing is normal. Our promises and skirting around what we wanted for our relationship was honest.....WE DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS.....and I hated it. But he did not lie to me. For that - I am grateful.
What I mean is each relationship is different - each circumstance is different.
Our A's are over
I spent so much time analyzing everything out of sheer heartbroken sorrow.......and I got it wrong....I started to get angry and think horrible things...I felt used...
And I wasn't.
Just as some of us want to stay married and also wanted the OM....did that make us say lies to them to keep them around? I know I did not.
Some of them are jerks and lie - but they may have really ment it at the time.
and then again - the real jerks....well, we hear what we want to hear sometimes dont we.
:)
Anna
I know that I'm supposed to have NO contact...but I couldn't do it. I'm sure that this will make my road to recovery longer- but I really couldn't get through a day without doing it.
Anna...
I read your post and was so happy to hear your comments. I think that my xMM REALLY meant what he promised me. It makes it so hard to deal with this. The people that know the truth about my situation think that I was played and I don't even want to talk to them because that's not what I believe. I had always known that his kids would come first and I agreed that it should be that way. They could not handle the divorce and that leaves me out in the cold. I am bitter that I have no control over it. There's nothing I can do to make things work out differently. I know and he knows that I will eventually get over him- although I don't want to right now. I am mad at myself for the situation I put myself in...but I somehow don't regret it.
Crissy
OTGC-
I can remember a night where OW and I went to a bar where they were having an online trivia contest with other bars in the area. Having never done this before, we thought it looked like fun so we jumped in. We ended up winning most of the rounds. If I didn’t know the answer she did and vice a versa. We had so much fun, this is just one of many times where I “thought” I had met my other half. Afterward, she said “you know, this may sound funny, but I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you.” I said “I know, I just feel we were meant to be together.” She agreed.
Yet here I am now – I am normally a very confident person. Both mentally and physically strong. I am never afraid to try and solve any problem or fix anything. I am believer if you put your mind to it, you can do anything. Lately I have a lot self-doubt. I am constantly second guessing myself, my work and my appearance. I really don’t know how people can go back on promises like that or just turn off such feelings, but yet they do as we all know. I too am mad at myself for letting someone take control of me, but I also know somehow I can get me back. I just hope I can do it without too much pain and suffering. Be strong!
Dude,
There aren't many men around here, huh? I don't know if we take a harder knock to the ego or not, but I sure feel whimpy sometimes for not being able to kick her memory to the curb & get over it. Today was the start of week #5 of NC, and I woke up very depressed. I left my cell on at work all day--which I never do--sorta hoping xMW would call. I sure hope this feeling lifts soon. Don't think I can handle too many days like today.
Anyway, back to the thread. Sometimes xMW would say she felt "funny" or too weird too guilty being over here at my house, and then cut our time together short--very short. Then she'd always say something like, "Hey, we'll have all summer to hang out." Or, "Next week H may have to split for a day." Or, "In the fall we'll have more time." You get the picture. Of course these "future" rendezvous never came.
What is so troubling is that for years she would bust out with any ol' excuse to get together and make a lot of time for us. During the last 2 years she started doing the avoidance thing more & more, while saying everything was fine between us. After too many times of postponing 'real' us time for some future us time; well, here I am on the boards limping along.
--LG
LG...
You're not wimpy. I, for one, am glad to know that men with feelings exist.
Crissy
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